Author Topic: Anxious but coping *just a rant*  (Read 2904 times)

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Offline justine

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Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« on: October 11, 2015, 11:31:40 PM »
A year and a half ago I had a breakdown and my childhood/adolescent years of anxiety came to light. I took antidepressants for the first time and for the first time ever my anxiety disappeared,  my body temperature was normal instead of being cold all the time and for the first time since I was a kid I actually had an appetite and enjoyed food.

I came off the antidepressants probably 6 months ago and have been okay since. I dealt with 3 situations at the same time that individually would have overwhelmed me and I just glided through it and got on with it and it felt amazing to get past it, the stress just slid right off me.

Now I am facing another highly stressful situation. On Monday I have to be in Kent for work and Tuesday in canary wharf London.  My job is a standard 9 to 5 office based except these 2 days. I had it all planned out exactly what trains to get to where and when. I was going to stay overnight at my friends house on Monday.

Note, when I say friend it's complicated. Both love each other and are very close but not together.

On Friday my friend invited me out with her family on Saturday night and the invitation extended to stay all weekend and Monday and Tuesday.

We discussed options via text but for the first time for us we misunderstood each other. I assumed we needed to talk more she assumed we had a plan. I need details and plans to be repeated back to each other for me to be sure of what is happening.

So now I am staying at her parents house with her. We are in separate rooms out of respect for her parents. We always sleep together. I was initially very anxious about being in someone else's house but have relaxed more now. I am worried about travelling. To kent my friend is driving me and to canary wharf I am travelling via tubes.

The situation that I am in now would be majorly overwhelming to me even just staying in someone else's house in the past would have had me in a panic attack. I have come so far.

The cherry on top is my friend mentioning that (when looking for a holiday place for my family holiday) that if we find a 6 bed place she is having her own room. That to me is a stab in the chest. I am holding myself together but. I understand there are factors including her needing her own space as she is disabled and her condition is getting worse. But.

I just feel highly stressed right now. I am obsessively worrying about travelling Monday and Tuesday. Usually I write my travel plans down then forget about them, safe in the knowledge I have instructions for the day. But this time I am not content to have them written down and my mind feels like I haven't planned what I am doing. Plus being in my friends parents house and interacting with her family all day. I know deep inside that all is okay. The world is a big scary place to me and I have taught myself to cope with it but I'm scared. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from all responsibilities.


Oh also. Her parents paid for the meal we had Saturday and my meal was 10. I haven't offered them any money as there was no opportunity to do so. Then, they gave me and my friend each 20 spending money for the casino. I spent it and lost it and so that's  30 they have paid for me. It's too much. I need to give back to them but the opportunities to do so are lacking. I feel very close to exploding point where I have a breakdown again. So so so much pressure.


My new coping method is to just let it slide off me. I can relax when I get home. I imagine it will take me the rest of the week of hiding away to recover. So much for me to remember and my brain to process yet inside I'm just a kid. I'm 23 by the way and I live alone.

I am just going to go to sleep then wake up and get on with it. This time in 48 hours I'll be home and it will all be over. I need to remember that this is just an adventure, like adventure time. I needed to vent here too and I feel a lot better now. I was moderately anxious at the start but now I just feel a bit worried.
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

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Offline hayley

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2015, 01:22:11 AM »
How did it all go? Was it as bad as you imagined?
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Offline justine

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2015, 09:08:38 PM »
I felt a lot better in the morning. I'm very stressed now though. I didn't have time to rest yesterday. At 7pm I got up for work but discovered the set of garages next to my house including my garage got broken into overnight. Nearly all of the garage doors were open. Nothing of mine was stolen. I contacted the council as they are council garages and my brother in law called the police. I stayed for an hour trying to figure out what happened then went to work for a 7 hour day. Came home at 6pm and went straight to babysit my nephew. I have loads to get done fast at work, it's intense. I have quite a few practical worries. My sister and Co including my nephew are moving house away from me. My mum will be following. My life is complete chaos in the sense of eating badly. Not on purpose just my brain can't decide on an eating routine. I've always had somewhat extreme eating ideas. One month I'll try to eat healthier so I'll set out to eat fruit and veg in excess. I usually end up not buying the right foods or the foods I do buy go off before I eat them. Either way my cupboards are usually pretty empty and I don't get nearly enough calories or nutrients.

I don't seem to be able to just live a normal life. It's all chaos. I can't stick to any sort of routine. It never lasts. I try then lose motivation. Same with computer games. I've gotten better in recent years, but I always start a new game then give up and start a new one. I get bored I guess.

At work I'm completely different. Very thorough with my work (office based) and always finish the job near perfectly. It's actually becoming kinda addicting. I enjoy work and look forward to going. I'm out of ideas. I don't stick to anything no matter what I try. So do I just go with what I feel without worrying? If I'm hungry eat if not don't. And stop worrying about it.

Or could this all be linked to antidepressants? I had anxiety from a young age. Constant anxiety but I didn't know I had it. Depression a couple of times in adolescents along with major anxiety and panic attacks. Then a year and a half ago I had a mental breakdown and went on antidepressants. They worked really well, my anxiety vanished for the first time ever and I got over the breakdown. Also my body temperature increased and for the first time since I can remember I actually had an appetite. I came off the pulls ages ago. My anxiety has worsened slightly over time due to life events but it is no way near as bad as it was. I wonder if a naturally have a c******l imbalance and need to be on the pills.

By the end of work today I felt my brain was no longer functioning after the stress and my awareness was blip ping in and out. The fact that someone broke into the garages feels like a big thing to me. On one hand I don't care.  But on the other it just feels like something almost too big for my brain to handle. Just like the two events that led to my mental breakdown felt. Big. Too much to process.
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

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Offline hayley

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2015, 12:30:23 AM »
The key thing I think is not allowing yourself to rest. To switch brain off and not think of everything going on and no doubt trying to work out its all going to pan out.

But that's easier said than done, right?

The garages being broken into is a big thing though even though you didn't have anything stolen so its not just a case being able to brush it off as its still an invasion of privacy.

Can you remember any of the techniques/coping strategies that worked for you in the past? These could help  you now.

Whatever you can do to relax and let your mind relax even if its just for hour would be beneficial.

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Offline justine

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2015, 09:19:18 PM »
Thank you for your reply Hayley. I think your right, the problem is lack of rest and when I do rest I feel guilty for doing so. Good point about the invasion of privacy too, someone was in my property.

I've had a chat with my mum. She says Monday to Friday I should come home from work, cook dinner and wash up and maybe do one job like buying food or putting a wash on. Tidy up little bits in the half dinner is cooking. Friday evenings and Saturdays are for socialising and Sundays are for rest. If I have a project like packing for moving I should do that on Saturdays.  That gives me a lot of rest which I need. I also asked her if she thinks my anxiety is getting worse or if it's normal stress and the answer is normal stress. She said she'd feel stressed sleeping at someone else's house and the garages are a stressful event too. I'll try the routine my mum suggested. I can buy food for dinner during my lunchtime walk.
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new

Offline indigo

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2015, 02:01:33 AM »
Hi, I don't have any advice etc, but just wanted you to knew that I was thinking of you. The break in must have been really difficult for you. I have never experienced one, however recently a group of 8 young guys decided to use our garage as a toilet and a hangout to smoke cannabis. The door was open, however I can't understand how people think its OK to treat someone else's property like that. I confronted the guys because I was so angry, the little voice in my head was saying that there's 8 of them and only one of you but it just wasnt OK for them to do this. As usual, I received some homophobic abuse, I really wish that people could come up with something original rather then call me a lesbian (like I haven't heard that before).

Anyway, like I said, no advice but thinking of you. Hope that you are able to allow yourself some rest without feeling guilty.

Offline justine

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2015, 09:41:50 PM »
Thanks indigo :)

I did really good today. At the end of work I was feeling emotionally tired and a little anxious but I knew I had told myself I was going to cook myself a roast then wash up then chill. I didn't feel like going and was anxious at everything. But I listened to music as I rode my motorbike home and I did stop by a small shop then make myself get petrol then when I got home I did wash up and cook a roast and prepare dinner from it for 3 days. That's good for me. My appetite seems to have come back with my motivation 
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

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Offline indigo

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2015, 06:13:25 AM »
Hi Justine, it sounds like your doing really well at pushing yourself to do things that you struggle with. Preparing food for three days in advance is a really good idea, a roast sounds lovely.

How have you been over the last few days. Have you been able to make time to relax.

Offline justine

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2015, 09:42:24 PM »
I've been doing good. Something happened today. I got hit by a car on my motorbike. I am okay. No serious injuries. I have bruised my thigh muscle near my butt where I hit the floor but I was wearing bike trousers with rubber armour and just happened to land right on one on the rubber pieces so it doesn't hurt very much. I'll find out the physical damage tomorrow. First you get shock so I didn't feel any pain. Then general aches and pains from where my body was jolted. Tomorrow the real injuries will appear. I need to process what happened now and here so it's done and my mind can move on.

First off I want you to know all that happened was that I was hit from being while stationary, was bounced a little out of my seat then went onto my side with my bike. I got up and away with just a bruise. Not even a scrape. Below I describe the events in the way that allows my brain to process it. I don't want you to get worried or scared by the events so yeah. I'm okay.

I woke up feeling tired as usual and got ready for work. I took a while to get my bike gear on because of the cold weather means extra layers. I left in a motivated mood. I was most of the way to work. I went past all the roads not knowing what was going to happen. I was going down a road when I saw a red car in the opposite lane indication to turn across my path and down a side road. I judged based on the cars behind me and my speed that it was safe to stop and let the car go. I slowed and stopped. I tilted my head to the car in a motion indication that I was letting him go. He didn't get it so I indicated again. Cars only get so long before they lose their chance. The car turned and went. I prepared to pull away and then I heard a bang felt a jolt and I was lying on my leg side with my bike. The engine was still running so I used the kill switch. I got up but my left foot was trapped. Not hurt just my boot wouldn't fit through the gap. I looked towards what had hit me and I saw a car behind me. I looked to the car driver and she signalled to me that it was the van behind her that had hit her. I looked behind her car and a man was stood next to it looking at me.  I had my music still playing in my helmet so I signalled to the man come her and lift my bike. A male cyclist appeared from nowhere and with the van man they both lifted my bike. I've had an accident before where I slipped on my bike going very fast and had to lift my bike.  I physically couldn't do it until the third attempt when my adrenaline kicked in and I hurt my legs as I lifted the bike. No way was I doing that again. My bike was now upright so I first I had to move it. It was still in hear so I tired to put it in neutral. The gear wouldn't move. Someone suggested I hold the clutch in so I did and moved it out of the road onto the path. I put the side stand down and changed my focus to capturing evidence. I took photos of the car and vans number plates and damage. The vans bumper was a little dented and the car was untouched. Then back to my bike. It wouldn't start. Instead of trying and breaking something I chose to call a friend who runs a motorbike repair/mot shop. But first i had to call work which i did and then my mum to stop her hearing third party and worrying. The motorbike guy gave me the trick and I got her going. I turned her off as I knew she worked. I asked the van man to follow me to work to stop other driving hurting me or getting angry at me if my bike went wrong. I checked my bike over and it seemed the only damage was my number plate was in half but still attached and the back end was crushed. I got to work safely. I remained in shock until about 4.30pm. After the accident pieces came back to me of what happened. I heard a bang in the office and I remembered hearing a sickening bang during the accident. I can still feel the weird sensation in my nose and feel the jolt as I was hit. I called the cyclist and he filled me in on what he saw.

As I was about to pull away the car driver must have taken her foot of the brake. The van was slowing but still at about 5mph hit the car. The van man said he pup his foot on the brake but the van kept moving. He hit the car which was stationary and a reasonable distance from me. As i was hit my rear tyre skidded to the right. My instinct listened to the advice I knew of always let go of your bike so it doesn't drag you into danger. As I was hit I jumped up and raised my left arm above my head. My bike and myself  hit the floor to the left. I landed almost on my left hip followed by my left shoulder hitting the floor and my head didn't really hit anything.

The van man's insurance is paying for my bike. My bike has only cosmetic damage. I had it checked out my my motorbike shop friend. I have a bruise on my left leg and my whole leg aches very gently. I've had several twinges in my back when I turn it and may be getting symptoms of whiplash but not quite yet.

I got hit my a car. For real. And I am okay. And my bike is okay. I've imagined it from the van man's point of view. From the car girls point of view. And from my point of view. And the cyclists. And side on. And Arial. It was very minor and the car bounced off my rear tyre. I didn't do anything to cause it. I don't need to do anything to fix it except see how I feel tomorrow morning and go to the doctors to record any injuries if I find any I want to claim for. So all is said and done.  The feeling of being hit was horrible. I may take my mum's advice in the morning and not let car out or turn as I am only a small bike with less protection than a car. But that is a choice to reduce risk same as I dont use the major a road in the morning because there are more accidentS.  There is no need for fear of letting people out. It's just an extra safe precaution.

Thank you
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new

Offline justine

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Re: Anxious but coping *just a rant*
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2015, 09:51:53 PM »
I'm scared I'm injured seriously. I'm scared there is something like a blood clot or internal bleeding or something that needs urgent correcting. I think I'm wrong and it's just a fear of injury. Fear I'm going to bleed out or die.  A fear of injury. I know it's unlikely though and I'll be okay. I'll probably get some aches tomorrow. Nothing more. I got hit my a car. Hit by a car. A car hit me. Bit really (from the arial perspective) a van bumped a car which bumped me. Not serious. Not to be worried about.
If you feel like life is a dark, worthless place, please know that you have just fallen down a hole and that impossible as it seems, you can climb out again, and see that life is really a beautiful place to be

http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=74073.msg1702918#new