Author Topic: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh  (Read 4092 times)

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Offline Lorien

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Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« on: June 02, 2015, 04:09:09 PM »
The T I see has said a few times that eventually I will feel differently about scars and that I will get to a point where I accept them. The implication is that I then won't cover them at all...I don't think that I can see this ever happening. But I know they are not going anywhere so I guess it would help if I could be more ok with them.

There are times that I like some of the ones that I have but then tend to be the more extreme things that I have done an. I don't think it is really that I like them, just that surgery to fix stuff feels like a big deal and those things are a constant reminder that I screwed up on a whole new new scale. I think I just warp it sometimes.

I also think I am guilty of normalising things that I do so that on the few occasions I do cut now, what used to be a big deal now really isn't and I lose sight of how much damage I am causing and potentially the risk I am taking.

Does anyone have any advice from the other side of it so to speak...how do people deal with scars being a permanent part of them, and/or try to scale back the level of damage when things have got too far.
“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Offline antagonist

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2015, 09:44:39 AM »
I have some really noticeable scars that are unfortunately going to be there forever. I've learn't that my scars are apart of who I am, they've shaped the person I am today and are sign of the all the struggles I've faced in the past. I'm not exactly proud of my scars, but I'm not ashamed of them anymore. I go out with short sleeves on all the time and have stopped caring what people think because to be honest, if they can't accept who I am, warts and all, then stuff them! xx

Offline Tired Soul

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2015, 12:23:15 AM »
heya,

I've got scars down my arms and legs and i genuinely sometimes totally forget they are there. Sometimes there are awkward moments where a nurse is taking blood and asks me 'what on earth happened there?' and sometimes a friend might say 'did you have surgery on your arm?' or a kid thinks i've got a 'poorly' on my arm, but the majority of the time nobody notices... and I know it is not just me being blind to people looking because I am like a hawk eye observer of everyone around me haha. Most of the time people are just to busy with everything else to be scanning our bodies inch by inch and people care about what we are saying and the expressions we are making much more than our skin on our bodies... despite what we think half the time! As someone who has self harmed I think I look tonnes more at peoples skin because i am looking for signs of self harm on other people... but that is more about me and my insecurities of my own body, it isn't a normal average habit to scan peoples skin. And as you can see from my examples above, when people have confronted me about my scars they have been naive and unaware as to how i could have got scars all down my arms... and i think the people that do understand what the scars are from dont tend to ask me because i guess they understand it's my business.

I suppose my thinking is, there is definitely life after self harm and scars that last will eventually not be as difficult to cope with as they sometimes feel. I sometimes wish mine weren't there, i sometimes am very self conscious of them, i sometimes feel sad about them, but i also find the fact that they have healed is a major accomplishment and the fact that they are there does remind me of how much i have done to get through some of the most horrendous times of my life. I think everyone is different in how they deal with their scars, but it sounds like you are hoping to find your way to accepting yourself and the choices you have made, and i hope that you do find a way to forgive yourself, maybe the scars can remind you that you gave yourself a chance at life, you didn't give up and you are still here fighting. The scars show you have the potential to change and to heal, just as they are doing.

xx
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.

Offline Lorien

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2015, 12:35:10 AM »
Someone I work with literally grabbed my arm and pulled my sleeve up the other day. I reported it and the management team have been great,  I just don't see how I am supposed to feel even neutral about people seeing.

I always wear clothes that cover from my elbows up and we're not allowed to wear anything above knee length anyway. I have a few less blatant scars on my lower arms but because they were very occasional I can get away with it.  But my upper arms are quite a mess really, there's no way people wouldn't notice,  they wouldn't need to look.  I don't know how it's going to be possible to achieve what the T seems to think or if I even want people to see.

I am comfortable with my girlfriend seeing them...but it's different because I 'met' her on here not IRL so she knew that about me before she knew me.

I get a bit locked in a pretty counter productive cycle with this. I hate that they are there because it's so limiting, so I get cross and lose sight of why it's a bad idea to make more, then I do more, and at some point in this cycle I stopped knowing when to stop.

What I do is really sporadic now, but when I do it gets to the point that it's really dangerous before I've really noticed.
“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Offline Terri

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2015, 09:01:57 PM »
Hey Lorien.


I didn't used to think I'd ever reach a place where I was comfortable showing my scars, but now I wear short-sleeves pretty much anywhere, even at work. I have considerable scarring on my forearms from cuts and burns and skin grafts, and like you, people don't really need to look to notice - they're pretty obvious. The scars on my arms are years old now, and I've accepted them. It does happen even when you feel 100% sure that it won't.


As for scaling back the damage, I now try and think of the long-term implications of my actions. I've been told by a plastic surgeon that I may experience issues with fluid drainage from my lower legs when I get much older. Whilst this isn't a difficulty I experience now, the thought of infections and swelling, even years down the line, is upsetting. I try and use that thought to prevent me from doing any more damage, because I don't want complications in the future. Like you, my self-harm is infrequent but quite severe, but these thoughts make it even less infrequent.


How are you doing?
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline Lorien

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2015, 02:05:12 AM »
I'm Ok, I think.

 :trig:

Recently I've been spending a lot of time pretty angry which is kind of worrying me. I don't deal well with it feeling like people don't get stuff and I hold it together for a while then sort of implode.  I had hoped that last year would be a bit of a wake up call for me. I'd not done anything in a while then "imploded" and did quite a bit of damage to my leg. I couldn't stem it and couldn't make myself call someone.  So I sat in limbo trying to control it and make it stop for a few hours which really wasn't a good plan. I hadn't at the time considered anything other than if I couldn't stop it that it was possible to slowly die on my bathroom floor.  It was only when I eventually called an ambulance and everyone started seriously discussing the circulation to my foot that I realised it could have been a lot worse. I certainly wasn't prepared for them to follow that with telling me they could only close it under general anaesthetic. 

I figured afterwards that it would be the end of this, I was really scared of myself for months, but then I still went back to it. I've not done anything anywhere near that again, but it seems to have changed what I see as manageable and "normal".

I kind of feel like I'm a bit stuck. I know I need to not do more things, I know that I can usually avoid it for a few days and do some other things that are kind of the opposite (creative rather than destructive) and sometimes that is enough.  But I also know that I am much more likely to do a lot more if I've not done anything for a while. I think it scares me because the only reason it was so bad before was that it took longer to stop, I'd not intended to do that.

I guess I don't know how I am doing because I don't trust myself not to do that again. I can only really do a few days at a time knowing that I won't and then go from there. But I guess it feels like a storm is brewing and I don't know if it will amount to some drizzle or a hurricane.

I have an awesome girlfriend that does understand this stuff and that came out of what happened last year really. But the idea that I could do that again? Or more? Scares me...but not enough to know that is it.
“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Offline Hullie

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2015, 11:43:22 AM »
High Lorien , What I think about long term scars. there isn't much products about that will help ,not that I haven't tried some of them .I feel its best just to cover up when you can and learn to live of the abuse of you body . Which after all is a wonderfull thing if you treat it right. :13240:soon be Halloween.
Stevie d***.

Offline Hullie

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2016, 09:45:51 AM »
Quote from: Hullie link=topic=.msg1529#msg129
Hi Lorien , What I think about long term scars. there isn't much products about that will help ,not that I haven't tried some of them .I feel its best just to cover up when you can and learn to live of the abuse of you body . Which after all is a wonderfull thing if you treat it right. :13240:soon be Halloween.
What good are friends if they do you no good, or their lovers do.
Stevie d***.

Offline Lorien

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2016, 03:00:23 AM »
Quote from: Hullie link=topic=.msg1529#msg129
Hi Lorien , What I think about long term scars. there isn't much products about that will help ,not that I haven't tried some of them .I feel its best just to cover up when you can and learn to live of the abuse of you body . Which after all is a wonderfull thing if you treat it right. :13240:soon be Halloween.
What good are friends if they do you no good, or their lovers do.

Sorry I don't understand
“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.”

“It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Offline Hullie

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Re: Long term scars & accidentally escalating sh
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2016, 08:25:27 PM »
Quote from: Hullie link=topic=.msg1529#msg129
Hi Lorien , What I think about long term scars. there isn't much products about that will help ,not that I haven't tried some of them .I feel its best just to cover up when you can and learn to live of the abuse of you body . Which after all is a wonderfull thing if you treat it right. :13240:soon be Halloween.
What good are friends if they do you no good(The Devil's handbook), or their lovers do.
Stevie d***.