Author Topic: My Story/rant  (Read 1379 times)

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Offline CarnageLauren

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My Story/rant
« on: October 10, 2014, 08:03:26 PM »
Hi,
So, I'm Lauren and I'm 18 and this is my story. I don't really open up about this due to the nature of it but I feel it's time to tell people.

I began self harming when I was 13. There were so many factors as to why it would probably take me days to explain but I got beat up by my brother. My mother just stood there and blamed me for it as she named him the "Man of the house". I'm guessing that went to his head though seen as he though it was okay to beat me - he was the main catalyst from the start.

Anyway, I remember the day that I got put into the ambulance and was taken to hospital. I was in the kitchen and figured, enough was enough. I was sick of being made little, sick of school, sick of everything I had to put up with. I had a breakdown, called the ambulance and got taken to hospital. My mum showed up and she never asked how I was or anything like that, all I got was "Have you been cutting yourself again?". My heart broke. She knew and did NOTHING about it. I have never felt so low. I Just laid there for the night. My mum went home to look after my, 17 year old brother whilst I was in hospital, for trying to end my life. Priorities of course?

The next day, a man from CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) came to assess me and explain to me what kind of therapy I needed. I had CBT in the end. I remember my first session just sitting there, staring at the man who was supposed to "make me better". I didn't say a word to him for 4 months. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Throughout them 4 months, I went "home". When I got in my brother was nowhere to be seen (thank God). After a few days, I kept asking my mum where he was. I needed all the support I could get, from everyone in my family. Safe to say it was a true test for my family at this point. So, I was I was speaking to a close friend on MSN (back then, it was the in IM!), I saw my brothers friend popped up to me, it was him messaging me, asking me why I have ripped the family apart, why I was doing all of this for attention, calling me worthless and useless and making sure I know I was the reason as to why he hasn't been home because he was ashamed of me, of me being his sister, he told me he couldn't stand to be under the same roof as me. I burst into tears, not knowing what to do I told my mum about it and she basically just shrugged her shoulders and told me that he was a grown man and he could do what he wants. I also lost most of my friends.

I went back to therapy and began to open up, slowly and surely. By Christmas time of 2009 I was put on some antidepressants. I basically missed Christmas - thank God. I've always hate Christmas, my brother took it as an excuse to be lazy, do nothing to help out and to beat me up. I slept through Christmas anyway and I got my medication changed so I didn't miss more school and sleep all the time.

In 4 months, I lost 3 stone.

After a years of therapy, I threw away the tools I used, instruments I sharpened to use to cut myself. I began using ice and elastic bands, getting my ears stretched, piercings, tattoos, having sex and a lot of it, drinking & taking drugs. That was my way of harming myself. To have that relief, of some kind and to make myself feel okay again. I loved every second of it and I yearned for more each and every single day.

I went to family therapy with my mum and brother at this point. They obviously got their say but when the week came to tell my side, the day that I was willing to open up after 2 years of not even saying Hi to them in the same room, they wasn't able to make it. Again, this broke my heart. Chance after chance I gave them BOTH. Still they decide to, what feels like, ripping my heart out and spitting on me, then stamping on it.

I wrote her a letter, which I still have today because she gave it back to me:
“Mum, I am writing this to you because it feels as if this is the only way to talk to you with out a shouting match or confrontation.
I've tried telling you my feelings but for the last few months, you have just shouted at me or interrupted me when I'm telling you how or what I feel. I feels like you want me to feel and act how YOU want ME to, and I don't want that.

I'm really insecure and not confident. You have literally taken the only confidence and security away from me. I feel like I'm back at step one again.
The massive argument the other day, you blamed me for everything. You're a hypocrite.
To you, it might feel like I haven't been trying, but for me even telling you anything is a big step. I'm angry and upset. Involving Oscar (my brother) in everything all the time makes things worse for me.
You don't seem to understand...

He doesn't need to be involved in everything. The other day all he did was taunt me by mimicking me cutting myself. You sat there and, did NOTHING but told me off when I shouted at him. He called me a “Nut job”. Told me everything was MY fault because if I hadn't of had my breakdown we wouldn't be in this situation. He repeatedly told me I shouldn't of been here. Told me I wasn't worth it, in front of you... You did nothing? That's more than once he has done that to me and you've done nothing. It really hurts...”

To anyone reading this, let me tell you how that made me feel, my own mother not protecting her only daughter and the youngest one of the family. It made me want to cut myself (and I did afterwards). I felt ashamed to call her my mother. I felt ashamed to have even survived trying to take my own life. I was embarrassed and still am to call you that! It makes me angry knowing you couldn't give a toss about me, especially when I NEEDED YOU. I wanted to show you each and every cut I did over you and him and even cut in front of you. Maybe then you would've realised how sick in the head” I was.

“... I don't even want to be in the same house as you both. Never mind the same room.
It feels like nothings been done and I'm not getting better lately. I'm so upset and angry at the moment. I'm terrified how you will react because they're my feelings and not yours or Oscars. I apologise for when I act c***y sometimes. You undermined me in front of Oscar and his friends, which made me feel crappy.
After you've read this, I just want you to think about what I've wrote, in this private letter, from me to you. Noone needs to see this.

I love you Mum.

Lauren xxx”

Sometimes I have to question myself as to why I have the letter still .There's something that's keeping me from harming it and every memory of them.
After 3 years of therapy, I got discharged. I moved out of my mums and into my dad's and since then I haven't spoken to my brother and don't wish to do so. I suffer still with depression and anxiety. A few months back I suffered with really bad panic attacks.

I see my mum every now and then but when it comes to the day of meeting her. I still get down, anxious and terrified she'll bring my brother along. I still don't know what I want from her whether it's a relationship or just for her to stay clear of me. I only love her because I have to. I think me and her have different meanings of the word “love” to this day though.

I posted my story today on my Facebook also, the support I got was amazing. I had people who I didn't know message me and thank me for telling my story. It felt great... I just only wish people realised a little more and opened their eyes/mind to mental illnesses and self harm, we could come together and understand more.

I still have urges to self harm, get piercings and stretch my ears, tattoos etc. but I do something to take my mind off it as hard as it is. I have a lot of anger still which I need to do something about I know. I have a brilliant job, I have a brilliant father, step-mum and little sister who actually helped me out through the toughest time I went through for a teenager.

I would just urge people not to judge and be closed minded when it comes to self-harm.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2014, 08:14:17 PM by CarnageLauren »