Author Topic: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*  (Read 1948 times)

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Offline Craig

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An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« on: October 05, 2013, 11:25:31 PM »
Hello NSHNers. Keeping well?

It has occurred to me on this fine Saturday night (with a wee glass of wine  :) ) that I have not posted in forever, so here's an update. Please forgive me if it's long and boring. It's going in the 'Survivor' room as I think that's what kind of story it is.

Important points first: I cannot remember the last time I had to take my meds. I cannot remember the last time I harmed. I cannot remember the last time I wanted to die. 

I mean, I know roughly, but not exactly. That's an amazing thought, because I used to remember. To the minute.

People who were around a few years ago may remember me when I was at my lowest, and to be honest, I now think the posts* I made back then were the very tip of the iceberg. I couldn't even articulate - even to complete strangers on an internet forum - exactly how bad things were. I had countless hours in the company of doctors, none which seemed to be helping a great deal. I felt completely alone, utterly hopeless and could see no point in carrying on. It was the most horrible thing I've experienced in my life to date.

I know most people on here will relate to that, and some may still feel that way.

But over the last four years the cloud has lifted. Very slowly, imperceptibly so for a great deal of time, I felt a change happen. I'm not sure I can put my finger on the catalyst, but the results speak for themselves.

Four years ago I almost turned down a new job. I was terrified that I would fail. That I would be useless and be found out almost instantly. I had session after session with my doc talking it over. Me trying to find any reason I could not to take it, doc talking logically through the pros and cons. Ultimately I didn't have a robust enough argument, so agreed to try. It was the best move I made. It took me a while, a few months anyway, to realise that I wasn't being found out and that I wasn't being found out because I was good at the job. Even though my self-confidence was still perilously low, I had to accept that of all the terrible things I thought would come to pass on the back of me having the audacity to take a chance, not one had happened. In fact, I had a new job and some new friends, and ultimately met someone really special.

If you had asked me before I got together with Jen if I wanted a relationship, I would have said absolutely not. I couldn't imagine how I would begin to barely hold myself together whilst having to consider someone else's feelings. Never mind explaining to them who I really was under all the masks. How do I explain that sometimes I just want to die? That sometimes I think the only way I can really feel anything is to take a tool to my arm? How do I stop someone running and telling everyone what a psychopath I am and how lucky they were to find out before anything happened? It could only end in disaster.

But you know what? It wasn't like that at all.

It all started very sedately. Coffees at work, then a coffee at the weekend, gradually becoming 'dating'. This is the point I had to throw in my lot. I told her, and told her pretty much everything. I honestly can't work out how I built up the courage to do that. I get a little scared now thinking about it!  ::) She listened as I rambled. Then she stayed. She didn't flee to the darkest corner of the globe like I expected. She didn't tell me that 'everything would be ok in the end' either, didn't tell me to 'get over it', 'grow up' or any other variation of things I'd heard before. She just stayed. And it felt really, really good. Amazingly good.

Over the next year my confidence grew and grew. So much so that I actually moved job again. TO A DIFFERENT CITY. Away from friends, away from family away from my girlfriend? For a job? That would have been unthinkable before. Signs of progress.

That was 18 months ago and I'm still here. I now live on my own. I'm hours away from my mum and dad. But I'm ok.

Don't get me wrong, the first 6 months here were hard. Really damn hard. Splitting up with my girlfriend - long distance was not for us - and acclimatising to a new working environment which can be hostile at times were particular challenges. But then I realise that things have happened since I moved that would have floored me - and maybe more - had they happened before. I remember the situation I find myself in now is a direct result of small, incremental improvements that have taken place over the course of years not weeks.

My next chapter is about to begin. I'm starting an Open Uni course, there is the potential of a new partner on the cards, and I am making plans to move again next summer. TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY! All terrifying in there own ways. All things I would never have considered four years ago.

How times change.

Without sounding to preachy ( I hope...), Some things I try and remember:

- Even if you're s**t scared, taking a calculated risk every now and then is good. You never know where it might take you.
- It's sometimes scary to open up and share your deepest self with another person. This is understandable, and completely OK.
- Sometimes relationships, whether friends or romances, don't last. This is OK too.
- There is a hell of a difference between being 'alone' and being 'lonely'
- Neither the person you were, nor the person you are now, can fully dictate the person you will become.

[/essay]  ::P:

*the posts I made at that point, and the conversations I had with some of the nicest people in the World on this forum played no small part in all of the above. I'm going to try my hardest, in amongst work and study etc, to sign on and have a chat with the people who are active now.

The forum is really important and I cannot express enough how thankful I am I found it.

Cheers
Craig






Offline Reeta

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2013, 01:03:09 AM »
Craig!!!

Its so great to hear from you and hear about the changes in your life.

Wow, moving abroad- that is amazing- where are you moving to? And where did you go to from Tuchterland!?

Really sounds like things are working out for you and I'm so glad as now you might actually believe me when I say it couldnt happen to a nicer and better person!

Offline Craig

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2013, 01:08:47 AM »
Thanks dude.

In Aberdeen at the moment (battling to keep that gorgeous Perth accent and avoid going all Doric... Fit like...).

Does Ireland count as abroad? Could be Belfast, could be Dublin, so I guess it depends which?  :)

Offline Reeta

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2013, 01:13:38 AM »
Ohhhh Tuchter, Perth, Doric and Gaelic.... you will be a right mixture of an accent. And theres nowt wrong with Doric... My Dad had that accent and mine appears to be stronger now I live darn sarf. So ;P

Ireland is a whole nother island and you are a country boy so Im amazed Aberdeen isnt abroad to you pmsl.

You will have to ask BA all about it over there and possibly provide a translation service now and again lol

Offline Craig

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2013, 01:16:50 AM »
I don't think my accent's really changed, but apparently I slip into a bit if Aberdonian when I'm on the phone to a local...  ::)

You're still terrorising the south coast I take it?

Offline Reeta

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2013, 01:18:46 AM »
Terrorising... I prefer to think of it as educating....

Offline Craig

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2013, 01:20:08 AM »
I think my word may be more accurate.  :whistler:

Offline Ludovica

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2013, 08:06:45 AM »
 :) Craig, this was fab to read. Go you!
All the best with the new stuff now.
Go to where the silence is and say something. Or do something. Or sing something. Go there.
Ludo Von Ludwig of Ludoville! ;D
:piano:

Offline Craig

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2013, 11:06:14 AM »
LUUUUUDO!  :hug2:

Thanks hun.

Offline sparkledust

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Re: An Update and General Ramble... *mentions scars, pills, SH etc*
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2013, 10:56:03 PM »
 :sofa:fab post Craig x
[img width=250 height=52]
there is no such thing as strangers,simply friends waiting to meet