Author Topic: what next?  (Read 1183 times)

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Online hidden tears

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what next?
« on: January 12, 2013, 08:15:59 PM »
I'm posting this in here in the hope that I'll start to believe that I am and will go on surviving.

This week I have completed my nurse training.
It's taken a lot of determination, and a lot of support from uni to get here. I never really thought it was ever going to happen, and now i'm here I feel incredibly lost. Although it's been hard, and I've struggled with depression and self harm a lot, it gave me purpose and a focus. Now I've no longer got that i'm feeling very fragile and vulnerable.

I'm struggling with what to do now. I guess i'm meant to find a job as a nurse. But I just don't feel ready. I'm also not convinced that I'd be cleared by occ health given the number of times i've been in a&e/miu this year. I feel hypocritical looking after others when i'm so consumed by a desperate cycle of self hate and self harm.
 There is a possibility of a 6 month Christian recovery programme, if I am accepted (i'm waiting to hear), but I have so many hesitations about it that i'm struggling to get my head round the reality.
 
I'm supposed to be happy and proud of myself but it's so hard when I just don't know what to do next and feel ruled by self harm.
*I lock away the pain and put away my fears, show you only my smiles and not my hidden tears *

*I like walking in the rain because no one knows Im crying*

Behind the mask....a silent scream....a hidden tear

Offline Olivia

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Re: what next?
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2013, 08:03:57 PM »
First of all a huge congratulations on completing your nurse training. I can only begin to imagine the amount of determination and courage it has taken to get through your training, especially when dealing with depression and self harm.

In terms of what you do next I can't really answer that for you. From your post I get the impression that you feel you should take a small break before beginning your career. The 6 month recovery programme sounds like it could be a positive step, especially if you are struggling so much right now. Have you already applied if you're waiting to hear if you've been accepted? It could put you in the right frame of mind to begin your career after you've taken care of yourself for a while.

On the other hand, you see what occupational health say and start applying for jobs. You also say that when you were training you had purpose and focus. These same feelings could find themselves transferred into a job?

I know what it's like to sometimes feel hypocritical in a job. I'm a teacher and struggle with self harm and eating problems, but these never impede on my ability to do my job or to deal with pupils in vunerable situations. I know in your job you must experience this to a much greater degree, but you must have shown a good deal of professionalism in this respect in order to complete your training.

Sorry if I haven't been much help and it's a bit of a ramble!

...and yes you should be happy and proud of yourself  :)

Online hidden tears

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Re: what next?
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2013, 03:04:07 PM »
 Thank you

Yes I have applied to the recovery programme. I am waitingfor them to receive reports from my gp, cmht and church before they make a decision. If I could take away all my fears and worries then realistically given how things are then this is probably the best option. But I can't just take away all my fears.

As for occ health, they would be the last step. I have to find a job and pass the interview before I go to occ health. I could ask my gp whether she thinks oh would clear me. I could transfer focus and purpose to a job, but even with that focus and purpose things were a struggle, I was regularly needing medical intervention and my absence record is appalling. Of course I was always professional at work, no-one on placement knew of my current issues but that didn't mean it wasn't incredibly difficult. The barrier to that plan at the moment (ignoring the fact there are no jobs to apply for atm) is the fact I can't write a personal statement seeking myself when I don't feel i'm worth having.

On a positive note, though i'm still struggling with being proud of myself or happy/exciting, I got my ears pierced yesterday to reward myself for finishing.
*I lock away the pain and put away my fears, show you only my smiles and not my hidden tears *

*I like walking in the rain because no one knows Im crying*

Behind the mask....a silent scream....a hidden tear

Online hidden tears

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Re: what next?
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2013, 05:11:13 PM »
Sorry to bump....need some outlet and trying to keep positive.

Blergh.....waiting, waiting, waiting.

I'm coming to the conclusion that the recovery programme is the best thing. They have confirmed that they have received all the reports they need, but have said I've got to wait 3 weeks for a decision on whether I will be accepted. 3 weeks feels like a lifetime away at the moment. I feel so unsettled because everything is so uncertain and I can't plan or organise. I'm avoiding everyone except my care team and my landlady (who know whats going on) because I dont know what to say to them.

I'm worried that having come round to this being best option that if I don't get accepted I'll feel completely at a loss.

Everything's hard. This isnt how its meant to be. I was meant to have a job ready for when I finnished and that was meant to be last summer. But Im not, and hibernating in the house hoping that the real world will go away because I cant face it.  :(
*I lock away the pain and put away my fears, show you only my smiles and not my hidden tears *

*I like walking in the rain because no one knows Im crying*

Behind the mask....a silent scream....a hidden tear