Author Topic: What a way to survive *everything just incase  (Read 3378 times)

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Offline catapult

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What a way to survive *everything just incase
« on: December 03, 2011, 11:17:23 PM »
Im posting in here, as im surviving. An what a way that we survive. The things we do, to survive. If you ask me, we're all survivors, we're all still here arnt we? If youre reading this, youre surviving, an you should be proud of that.

Im currently not doing some things. Its been over a month since i last relapsed, on the cutting, and the drinking, and the od'ing. I did it all in one night, over a month ago. Im still struggling, im still in pain, tonight, my heart is truly breaking with all the loss. But im coping. I dont exactly know how, but i am, arnt i? Coping. What is coping. Getting thru one day after another without hurting myself? Talking about how im feeling and the thoughts inside my head and not bottling them up? Or just living life. Going out of the house. Feeding and washing and dressing myself. Keeping my appointments, paying my bills, answering my phonecalls and doing something that is classed as 'social'. Is that coping?

Am i coping when im dying inside? Am i coping when i sit and break down and cry? Am i coping when this golf ball of anxiety in my throat forces itself out and i cant speak? Am i coping when i try and sooth myself? I stroke my own hair, i rock back and forth, i try and let it out, so im not keeping it in. I keep on, letting it out, more and more and more and it just keeps coming, over and over and over again. It doesnt really stop, just lessens. Like waves.

Im surviving. Im in pain, im a mess, im emotional and i berate myself constantly for things ive done, and things i havnt, for things that were my fault, and things that wernt. But im surviving, and im proud of that.

Its not alot to go on. But its all ive got.
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

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Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2011, 03:43:44 PM »
Ive just woken up, what the? Ive completley lost a day, its dark already. Im really confused, i feel really odd.  :(
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

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Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2011, 07:34:59 PM »
I had a couple of coffees and a bath, woke up a bit. Have eaten, i figure doing some normal things might take this confusion away a bit. Had a rather amusing trip to the shop, they refused to serve me with baccy as i didnt have any id on me an they didnt believe i was over 25! Im 30 in January! Mental note, to look younger, dont wear any makup, and don a wooly hat, knocks years off apparently...

I feel really far away from the world today, like theres only me in it. Strange feeling. Theres been some sort of worldwide disaster and everyones dead, and theres only me left. I feel like im dreaming, maybe i am. Maybe im still in bed an im gonna wake up an itll be Sunday morning. Im zoning in and out, im losing minutes here and there. Watching tv and not remembering what i just saw, not understanding what im watching. Im dissasociating alot. Im not entirely sure why, its quite unnerving. I know its a mental response and the bodys way to save itself from stuff, but its really really strange, as its not conciouss.

Im trying to understand myself, think these things thru without resorting to things that DO make sense to me. I know how various forms of sh work for me, how it feels to do it, how i feel after it, and why i did it. In not using those things my body and my brain is changing to use its own forms of protection to keep me safe. Losing time. I dont feel BAD that its happening, as its not in my control, im not choosing to do it. I just feel a little scared, and very confused.
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

NHS Direct 0845 4647   Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text Sams 07725909090

Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2011, 12:55:00 PM »
Im truly saddened by the locked post in this room. If you dont agree/having anything constructive to say, then dont say anything. It made me sad  :(

Anyhoo, that might be as im now going cold turkey off Paroxetine. After a fairly confusing coversation with the doctor yesterday, we've decided to stick with my usual meds. Granted ideally, i should be weaning off them, but i couldnt afford another script in order to gradually reduce. So, feeling fairly fragile today, and got what feels like a steaming hangover.Co-ordination is diabolical, an my body feels like its been hit by a car. But thats possibly got something to do with having a 'me vs road' crash yesterday, came off my bike on the ice.

I know its gonna be a rough week, but im cleaning out. No more PRN, no more suppliment meds for anxiety or panic, just one constant AD. At least i know any particularly hard times in the next few days are due to detox.

Just wanted to post, as im running on confusion and feeling quite mentally shakey, and havnt spoken to anyone yet today. Ill let you guys know how the detox goes.

This is another step on my progression. Im still going, this is a good thing right?!

Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

NHS Direct 0845 4647   Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text Sams 07725909090

Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2011, 09:19:17 PM »
Okay, so my last paroxetine intake was sunday teatime. Now is tuesday night. Detox: a steeeeaming headache that ive had aaaaall day, really bad, my muscles ache, my skin is unusually sensitive, my co-ordination is terrible, im groggy and it takes alot of effort to move. Basically, i feel crapola. This is really crappy. Its the headache more than anything. It feels the same as having a complete skinful the night before an when you wake up youre brain is so dehydrated it feels like a brick. I have a brick in my head. I have a brick in my head that has a foot on it an is kicking at my temples.

Im trying to decide if its really sad of me to complete this self dialogue. I do enjoy it though, and typing things out in here helps, i can read it back, and it makes my emotions and symptoms factual, and therefore easier for my brick brain to compute. It helps me make sense of what im thinking or feeling. By seeing it in print it whittles everything else away, so im not thinking a million things and trying to figure out which of those is bothering me.

I figure if im using this for the wrong reasons one of the mods will kindly tell me, and this thread shall be locked forthwith.

Till then i shall continue to use it for my self-musings, and a form of therapy.

DAMN MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! Oh, and my new climbing shoes turned my toes blue. Just sharing.
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

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Offline BrownBear

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2011, 10:16:04 PM »
Haven't been around here as much as I have been the last few months,  but if it it is any comfort to your brain in its current brick like state I am reading your musings! :-)

For whatever reason I tended to get sweet fa replies to my posts too, but just posting and getting my thoughts out was better than letting them build up. The odd reply from a kind soul never hurt either.

Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2011, 01:26:06 PM »
Thanks BrownBear  :)

I dont expect replies to these kind of posts, as im not in immediate need of support etc, but i still like to post. An in a way, i need to. Just get it down somewhere.

Not feeling toooo squishy today, yet! I slept for 11 hours last night  :shoc: Wasnt expecting that due to feeling like i was stuck in a tumble dryer with a pair of trainers last night. But it seems twas required! Got up at 11ish and mosied off down to the gym, had a diabolically bad workout. Couldnt get my pace or breathing right whilst running, co-ordination and balance completley fubar, and the sweat! Propa maftin! This, is DEFINITLEY the detox from meds, or thats my excuse for it anyway  :whistler: Not a pretty lady this morning. But its all part of my die hard personality. Youre in a gym! Stop talking and WORK!! Im such a drag.

Anyhoo, off to see the holy one soon (my councellor), which always gets my nerves a runnin, shes like a pitbull with a bone, once shes gotten a bite on you does she hellas let go of it. So its never what id class as fun, but serves an important purpose in my recovery. Which (dare i say it?) is progressing. (Let not the laws of the self fulfilling prophecy that is i take hold and make me faulter, amen).

Musings complete for the momento. Heres hoping i remain stable for the rest of the day.

Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

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Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2011, 12:03:11 PM »
Oh my world, do i feel crappy today. Today has been the first day in a couple of weeks that ive woken up thinking 'whats the point'. I had set my alarm for 7 to get up an go to the gym, needless to say i switched it off an stayed where i was. Havnt slept, the house next door is being renovated so lots of noise, just laid stinking in my pit like a pissed off rattlesnake whos had their rattle nicked in the night. An my gym buddy txt me, she didnt go either, her sister fell down the stairs this morning & is in hospital. Nothing broken thank god, just feels like shes gone 10 rounds with mike tyson.

Day 4 of detox off paroxetine, cold turkey. Current symptoms, lethargy, low mood, heavy head, bad thoughts popping up, negativity & pessimism. Or maybe thats just me. During last nights agitated state i thought id give my poor feet a pedi. Lets just say its painful. I seemed to be in the mindset that next to no toenails was a good idea. I shall now spend the day with my toes covered in sudocreme. What a brainstorm that one was.

Will have to excercise in the hoose today, am not going out for anything. Am gonna have to be kind to myself to get thru this. My mood is dipping by the minute. It doesnt help that im so broke at this time of year. Whenever i make a coffee and get the milk from the fridge im reminded that theres nothing else in there other than some flora and a few energy drinks. Not good. But lets not dwell on that. I could do with having less food to binge on anyway.

Gonna get a bath, im sure ill be back once ive thought of more things to moan about. My glass is half empty today.
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

NHS Direct 0845 4647   Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text Sams 07725909090

Offline findingmyway

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2011, 03:25:31 PM »
:hug1:

Sometimes hiding at home and having some tlc is just what we need to get us through a rough patch :hug1:

Did the bath help you feel any better??

Keep talking hun x
Thank you all so much for your support, I really appreciate it.
Please, all keep as safe as you can.

I will be thinking of you xxxxx :hug1: :hug

Offline catapult

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Re: What a way to survive *everything just incase
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2011, 04:23:54 PM »
Okay, so ive done something possibly insane. Ive messaged my Mam, my brother, and my sister. Anyone who knows my older posts knows that we dont talk. Thru the gossipwagon that is a popular social networking site, i came across a conversation about me, started by my ex husband. People whom have never met or known me commenting on my fictional doings. That obviously hurt, but what got me more than that, was my mam posted and stuck up for me. That honestly took me by surprise. So, i took the fear by the horns, and messaged her, saying thanks, for sticking up for me. An ive also messaged my brother & sister apoligising for hurting/upsetting them over the last 18 months via my arguments/behaviour. I explained i was scared, and felt that nobody was on my side, ive been pretty much out of control and understood why they chose to do what they did. I wished them all well, and hoped they have a lovely christmas.

So, ive apoligised. I now feel very vunerable, incase of negative repercussions from doing so. But if ive done the wrong thing by taking responsibility for acting like a knobhead at times, then so be it.

Lets hope this turns out okay. I not the awful person that gossip makes me out to be. Ive just been very very hurt, scared, lonely, and have coped in damaging ways that have upset and hurt the ones i love. I hope this is a good step. If nothing comes of it then at least i did something good.

Heres hoping.
Last cut: 10/03/14
Last OD: 20/12/13
Last purge: 01/03/14
Id rather die on my feet than live on my knees.

NHS Direct 0845 4647   Samaritans 08457 909090 - Text Sams 07725909090