Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 88990 times)

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Offline kathleen

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #40 on: April 18, 2009, 07:21:03 PM »
 :trig:  ..am new to this site, but what a relief to release those most inner thought, i too was abused by my brother..he,s died now, we had a rotton childhood, we lost our Dad when we were just 5, he died of cancer & so did our brother. Our Mum  drank & was addicted to cough medicine of which she got me & my brother to get her when the chemists refused her. I care for my twin sister as she has learning needs..our older sister has no contact since she acused our Mum of hurting her & causing Maries learning problems.  Well i just went to pieces last year, i loved my elder sister so much it completely tore me apart..since all our other family has died i had no one to back up the claims up.  So stuggerling with deep depression all year i asked my Gp for more specialsit help..so i became involved with Mental Health Services in Jan this year..well it blew my mind sky high..so many painful sad memories came to the surface..when i first did that tiny cut no way did i think i would keep on doing it, but it gave me a release, like i could now see that pain that was trapped in my head..yes i tried not to do it but once i had that thought in my head i just had to carry it through..like it was some kind of ritrual...i gave the tools away in the hope those thoughts would go..but i just went out to get some more..am now doing my best not too..the last time was last week, i now have about 14 on my left arm, 1 on my tummy & 7 on my leg..i have,nt done them on my right side of my body..because i know it sounds weird but am in control of those tools & i need my domanate hand to make sure i do keep control & not go too deep...sorry for long post but god do i feel abit better now, mine is just one story amoung thousands but everyone remember one thing were,re not alone or the only ones..we have each other & thats worth its wait in gold. x

molllls

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #41 on: April 18, 2009, 07:42:30 PM »
 :trig:

i dont know if this is triggering, but i though i should put in just in case.

i am new here, and my story may sound rubbish, im sorry, if it does.

i s/h at 7, 11 &12. At the age of 2months, my dad threw me down the stairs and i watched my dad abuse my mum. At the age of 2 my mum tried to kill herself and a month later, my bestfriend died. i got put into care,for 3months, then returned home. At 5 my mum put me back into care,and soon after met my stepdad and got pregnant with my sister. I returned home. At 7everything got to much for my mum took an od and she tried to kill herself again, seeing as she has been on anti-depressants most of her life, i found her. At that point s/hing came into my life the first time, i started bitting and burning but stopped shortly after. At 11 my bestmate killed herself i found her covered in blood, i tried to save her but i couldnt;( i gained an ed. Then summer '08 (last year) i tried to kill myself 3times, i failed miserably each time. In october i started s/hing but cutting this time, although i stopped after i did it once. Then after a massive family row in january i started again this time, i couldnt stop. Then 3weeks ago on tuesday, i tried to kill myself and failed once more. I am still s/hing and dont know what to do anymore :(

Awayfromthesun

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #42 on: May 02, 2009, 08:11:56 PM »
   
 :trig:
      I can't say exactly what started it, it was just a lot of things at one time, there was a lot of stuff in my past difficult things and they just started to get on top of me. At the time I was being bullied by some people that before were my best friends, what they were saying about me made a lot of the school turn against me and I used to have people I didn't know or recognize shout abuse at me. At the same time my grandmother (the women who raised me) was very ill with a terminal illness.  I couldn't cry and I turned everything around onto myself and thats when I cut for the first time.
    There was a lot of pressure on me at school to do well, I turned out to be smart, even though my brain seemed to work in different ways than other. My teachers started to realise I could do well, my parents quickly found out and then pushed me as I had a key to a future they didn't and they could see college and then university something neither of them had managed. I got really stressed when I was 14 the cutting got worse. As I entered my GCSE years things went downhill, I had very low self esteem.  I wanted to do well for my parents as this was the only way I could see to gain self worth and so pushed myself, but  actually ended up very depressed, harming myself more and suffering terrible anxiety attacks. I had a breakdown and missed the last 6months of school only attending to take my exams which somehow I managed to pass.
       College was like a breath of fresh air for me, a new start, the first year I spend recovering from the past, by the end I was happy and had stopped harming. I stood up to my parents on results day and after achieveing A grades for A-levels they let me choose my own path for university.
     My first terms at uni was amazing. I made loads of friends and was always out clubbing or hanging out with friends. The second term started but something didn't feel right. The depression came back and an intollerable sadness with no apparent cause. I was constandly crying and had to start hurting myself again to hold myself together, my attendance dropped and I went from being the top of my year to barely passing. I  couldn't control myself and constantly was in A+E needing stitches to fix what I'd done in a moments of madness. 
      When I left halls I moved into a flat of my own, as I could see the effect my mood and behaviour had on others and didn't want to worry them.  I worked all summer and in my spare time slept or cut.
    In my second year of uni I couldn't hold it together, I took a couple of overdoses, missed weeks of lectures and no matter how much I enjoyed my course I couldn't attend them, the sadness in me was too much. At the end of december they forced me to suspend my studies until I was better, I lost my job and was too ill to work and had no money.  My social anxiety became a lot worse and I could hardly leave the flat. The only time I would leave was to go to A+E, getting everything else I needed delivered to the house.
     I'm now on benefits still living alone in my flat and rarely leaving.. Its my own fault my mood has made me isolate myself. I have been waiting for therapy on the NHS for nearly a year and hope this will help me find and deal with the cause of my depression. My birthday is coming up and that will mean its been 7 years since I started self harming and although I am not yet ready to give this method of coping up, I am keen to make sure the total never reaches 8 years.

Sunny

Offline MFP451

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #43 on: May 03, 2009, 01:54:30 PM »
Very touching accounts above.

I just want to report that i havent SH'd since joining this site about ten days ago. The wounds i gave myself prior to joining are healing very well and i might just be able to wear something short if we have a nice summer.

Thanks all x
I will never be beaten

boots120

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #44 on: May 03, 2009, 02:55:03 PM »
 :trig:

I first started “properly” selfharming at fourteen but i had already experienced the relief it could bring, i remember on one occasion i was watching tv and my brother was in the room, and he was eating something with his mouth open. I have a thing about people eating with their mouths open but i didnt want to get annoyed at him so i pinched myself and focused on that pain rather than the annoying sound.
The reason i started self harming was because my dad left when i was six years old and it caused my mum to have a mental breakdown. My brother was off getting stoned and drunk with his friends so although i was just turning seven, i had to look after my mum. I hid her tools from her, got her into bed, helped her to get changed, helped her to go to the toilet, made sure she took her meds etc. I was only seven yet i was more of a mum to her than she was to me. I remember one time we were in the park and she started talking to someone in a tree who wasnt there. She said she was talking to jesus. Someone saw her and called an ambulance and i watched as she was strapped down to the bed in the back of the ambulance as she was going so crazy trying to hit them and get away. Then my dad came back to “help” my mum. We moved back down south and then two years later, two days before my birthday my mum found out he was having another affair. I didnt speak to him for a year. My parents got divorced and everything settled back down. Then my mum took him back. And i cant forgive him. He has never apologised properly, he wont acknowledge that he did anything wrong. When i told them about the SH he said “ive had troubles in my life but ive never self harmed, why the f*ck do you”. I wanted to scream BECAUSE I AM NOT THE KIND OF HEARTLESS SELFISH PERSON YOU ARE I DONT WANT TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE SUFFER FOR HOW IM FEELING LIKE YOU DO.
I dont trust anyone because of him, i self harm because of what he did and what i had to deal with. Where the hell was he when i was looking after my mum? Oh yeah thats right, he was down the pub getting wasted. Yeah good role model dad.
I used to be such a “Daddy’s girl”, my dad was my hero. Not now.
He’s ruined it all and it will never be the same again. I feel like s*** because of him, im in this stupid f*****g hole because of him.

Wow i feel so angry right now. Maybe that wasnt such a good idea afterall.

Offline just Mel

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #45 on: May 04, 2009, 02:29:02 PM »
 :trig:

I started to self harm when i was 14 i ant remember alot of it but i didnt get along with any of my family i never spoke to them or even looked at them i spent all day everyday in my room alone, it was hard to get away from people because there where 6 of us my two sisters, brother, mum and dad i had to share a room with my little sister and little brother so i couldnt go anywhere to get away. i got really badly bullied in school for all different reasons and the teachers never did anything no matter how bad it got, i felt trapped and alone, the only person i had was my nan but i never really spoke to her much.
i started to get angry and be the time i was 15 i had no relationship with my family and i had 1 friend who i just about got on with i didnt want to live anymore and i cut myself nearly ever night, i could stay awake all night just lying there looking at the ceilling i was to scared to sleep, terrified of being alone even tho i knew i did it to myself i could except it, i blamed everything on everyone else as far as i was concerned everyone was against me, hated me wanted me dead and i was right there with them i hated myself to the point where i couldnt look into a mirror without cutting and wanting to die.

i meet a boy a couple of months after turning 15 he was the nicest person ever and i fell for him straight away we started dating seeing each other nearly everyday i never told him my real feelings he would ask me how i was and i would smile and tell him i was fine, i think he knew i was lying half the time because he could look into my eyes for a little while and then hug me, everytime i had to fight the tears it was the hardist part about the relationship. it wasnt long before he found out im still not sure how he did and i cant really remember how but he was shocked he knew something wasnt right but didnt know it was that bad.

after that our relationship, the walls we put up to get away from the outside world crashed, he started to cut and show them to the world i didnt understand why, why he would do that to me he knew i wasnt stable yet he carried on, people started bullieing me again say i was with a freak telling me in a loser puching me i didnt know why, i just kept think why me, i couldnt cut anymore because everytime i did he would cut so it would be my thought i had to stop and i started to bottle everything in i wouldnt speak or look at anyone in the eyes i was to ashamed of myself thinking about what ive become how i used to be the smilely happy easy going girl now i was this terrified shy angry scarred girl who did know who she was or why she was alive.
its was his birthday on the 4th january he turned 18 he wanted sex i wasnt shore i was still just 15 but he kept asking i didnt want him to hurt himself so i did it, i felt used and disguessed in myself i had 4 showers a day for a week after brushed my teeth 4 times a day cut myself more then ever.
sex soon became the only thing left in our relationship if you can even call it that everytime we saw each other sex, leave, that was it i was sick i started to hate him as much as i hated myself and i didnt even know why!!
My dad hated him and me he begain hurting me every chance he got he would touch me about two weeks after startin he raped me, i cant remember alot of it where ive bloked it out so much, tried to convince myself nothing happened it made my mind fuzzy all i remember is the two little one going down stair to watch something on tv and then it happened i blanked i told him to stop but he wouldnt i could shout for help what if one of the little ones ran upstaird and sore i would of never forgiven myself .... i was trapped...

so we ran it was just me and my boyfriend gone for 3 days 3 nights my mum called the police i hurt my nan so much she didnt understand why my mum and nan where left in the dark, i became nothing i went into a panic attack i wanted to see my mum and my nan i picked up his phone, he told me if i ring home he wouldnt come and he would kill himself but i rang home within 3 hours i sore my mum and nan sitting there waiting for me both had tears in there eyes i couldnt hold everything back anymore i broke down cried in my mums arms for ages. i got in the car and my boyfriend jioned my, i looked at him confused thinking to myself i thought you was gonna kill yourself i had only just realised then who he was and what he was doing, he was playing me making me worse the day after i left him i text him to tell him it was over i still wish i told him in person but i was to scarred i didnt want to hurt anyone anymore i couldnt do it anymore.
morning after i sore him cuts all over his arms showing them to the world he watched me as i walked into school i went staight to class he sat outside still watching me the kids who bullied me sat beside me hugging me telling me it will be ok i was confused why are they being nice to more they were acting like soilders one in front, one on the left one on the right and one sitting behind, i smiled to myself thinking will everything be ok now.

mum picked me up from school i didnt want to walk home alone anymore i wanted people around, when i got home i went straight upstairs i still had to live with this monster who calls himself "dad".

mum can upstair and sat next to me then the words i was terrified of hearing came out "did your dad rape you" i was paralized i couldnt even blink. i looked into her eyes i knew how much she loved him, how much my two sisters and brother loved him so i said no i told her i lied she walked away and i broke down again the same night my big sister came up to me and said i was braking this family into shreds.

i turned 16 we moved 3 hours away mum said it would be a new start i believed her, i got my own room so i could get away from everyone i lived in my room i got a job as a waitress along with my mum in my "dads" new cafe i know..... it is the worst thing to do, but i did it for a year i never once got paid but i knew if i quit id get it again and i would be right back at the beinning again so i held my head up and carried on.
i turned 17 and got into college even with no GCSE's i started studing art and design, drawing has always been my excape from the world i passed and got onto a 2 year course.

im now 18 and 5 weeks away from finishing the two corse i got onto another one called foundation art and design which i worth 4 A levels.
i still live at home with my mum "dad" little sister and brother my big sister is and universeity she wants to work with kids like me.

i still cut and still get flash backs of it all but im more stable then ive ever been, i have accepted everything ive done wrong or right and im slowly starting to accepted the fact the i am crazy, i dont have the same views as other people, and sometimes i do want to die but i cant because if running away hurts my family i dread to think about if i killed myself.


thats my story so far, all the sick and hurtful times i wouldnt trade becasue its made me who i am today, more understanding of myself and how other people work
"He who fights with monsters might take care
lest he thereby become a monster.
And if you gaze for long into an abyss,
the abyss gazes also into you"

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Wolfie

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #46 on: May 15, 2009, 12:58:47 AM »
The fact I self harmed is partly environmental and partly due to my personality. I have always been an isolated person. My earliest memories are of sitting in my house looking out the window at the other kids playing on the street of the council estate where I lived. I wasn't allowed to play with them as they were *too rough*. I didn't understand what the other kids said anyway, as English was my second language. I was detached from other people and lived in my own world. It didn't bother me. Being isolated and alone didn't bother me, I was very quiet and just buried myself in my books and my pets. I wasn't encouraged to socialise or make friends so I never bothered. I was aloof and detached. It only started bothering me in my pre-teen years when all the local kids turned on me as an easy target and started to hound me. I was bookish and years ahead of my peers in my reading age but not streetwise at all. So a very easy target. Being bullied probably would have done me no harm and might have toughened me up a bit and taught me to fight my own corner and stick up for myself but it didn't work out that way ... I took being bullied very personally and completely blamed myself for it. I believed that I had been chosen as a target because I was stupid and weird in some way. I blamed myself and so I didn't fight back or tell anyone I was being bullied, I just stood there and took it. This went on for about 2 years and I was so convinced I was weird that it started turning into a self-fulfilling prophesy, I found it very hard to speak, I stopped being able to make eye contact with people, I couldn't stop shaking, I constantly fidgeted, I pulled out a lot of my hair and gave myself a bald patch, I went from being one of the brightest students in the class to being the worst student in the whole class. I was acting like a nervous wreck which of course delighted my bullies and only increased their attacks. Its funny I was approached by one of my bullies a couple of years ago and she apologized for what she had done to me and was sincerely sorry and I laughed it off and told her it was ok and all water under the bridge now. Little did she know how much it effected my life but I would never let her know - I am wary of giving people information that they could use against me and anyway, it would give me no personal satisfaction to tell her, it is none of her business. I moved away from the bullies but the damage was done, I was convinced I was stupid and a weirdo and nothing could change my mind about that. All my teenage years and all during my 20s, I told myself the same old bullsh*t story over and over, I'm a weirdo, I'm stupid, I'm worthless, everyone would be better off without me. I cut myself, OD'ed, vomited, starved myself, drunk myself unconscious trying to escape from myself and from the feeling that I was utterly worthless. I tried to kill myself because I thought that everyone hated me and wanted me dead. I'm trying to stop that way of thinking now and to believe that I am normal because at the end of the day if I believe I am normal, that is what I will be.

Jessica

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #47 on: May 25, 2009, 11:36:13 AM »
I'm really new to this and it seems like a really good idea. You're all so brave and I admire all of you. I'm only 13 but I've been doing it for nearly two years.
I was 11 when I began to think about self-harm, my great grandfather had died in January and I didn't really know him, so I took bad. I started stealing to stop myself from thinking about it. It was a stupid thing but it sort of helped. Then in November, my nan was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm very close with my nan and was terrified when I found out. I started talking to this girl about everything (she self-harmed, so I got the idea off her.) It made me feel in control of how I was feeling and what was going on around me. I self-harmed everyday for six months. I wore long t-shirts all the time to cover the marks from my mum. Eventually I stopped after my bestfriends tried it. I felt sick knowing they felt as bad as I did. This year hasn't been great so far, (my sister has been diagnosed with depression, I had to move schools, I've lost many close friends, so I'm miserable, starting my new school was very difficult as I'm very insecure) I often daydream about self-harming again. I'm not a strong person and I'm very sensitive. I've thought of suicide so many times I can't even count it on my fingers anymore. I've also tried making myself sick. I've starved myself for months. I love swimming, but I can't do it anymore as my body is full of scars that are very visible.
My story is a stupid one, my 'problems' seem like nothing. I've been trying so hard these last few months to stop myself self-harming, but like I said, I'm not strong, I don't believe in myself (I find myself really pathetic) and I have no willpower. I try everyday to make myself believe that I don't need to self-harm, I fail often. None of my family know, just a few close friends. I never tell anyone if I self-harm anymore. I still self-harm, not as often but when I start I find it very hard to stop.
I don't have any psychological problems (that I know of), my story is a stupid one of a pathetic girl, who just hates herself. I don't know if I'll ever properly stop self-harming but I'll try.
Thanks for listening,
Jessica.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 01:18:54 PM by Julia »

Jessica

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #48 on: May 26, 2009, 08:31:15 PM »
I'm really new to this and it seems like a really good idea. You're all so brave and I admire all of you. I'm only 13 but I've been doing it for nearly two years.
I was 11 when I began to think about self-harm, my great grandfather had died in January and I didn't really know him, so I took bad. I started stealing to stop myself from thinking about it. It was a stupid thing but it sort of helped. Then in November, my nan was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm very close with my nan and was terrified when I found out. I started talking to this girl about everything (she self-harmed, so I got the idea off her.) It made me feel in control of how I was feeling and what was going on around me. I self-harmed everyday for six months. I wore long t-shirts all the time to cover the marks from my mum. Eventually I stopped after my bestfriends tried it. I felt sick knowing they felt as bad as I did. This year hasn't been great so far, (my sister has been diagnosed with depression, I had to move schools, I've lost many close friends, so I'm miserable, starting my new school was very difficult as I'm very insecure) I often daydream about self-harming again. I'm not a strong person and I'm very sensitive. I've thought of suicide so many times I can't even count it on my fingers anymore. I've also tried making myself sick. I've starved myself for months. I love swimming, but I can't do it anymore as my body is full of scars that are very visible.
My story is a stupid one, my 'problems' seem like nothing. I've been trying so hard these last few months to stop myself self-harming, but like I said, I'm not strong, I don't believe in myself (I find myself really pathetic) and I have no willpower. I try everyday to make myself believe that I don't need to self-harm, I fail often. None of my family know, just a few close friends. I never tell anyone if I self-harm anymore. I still self-harm, not as often but when I start I find it very hard to stop.
I don't have any psychological problems (that I know of), my story is a stupid one of a pathetic girl, who just hates herself. I don't know if I'll ever properly stop self-harming but I'll try.
Thanks for listening,
Jessica.

I guess I'm not a survivor at all, I'm just a person, still struggling through it, who justs needs some support and advice.
Last SH- 25/05/09    =/
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 01:19:21 PM by Julia »

Offline firefaith

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #49 on: May 31, 2009, 10:51:38 AM »
 :trig:

Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and think this thread is an excellent one, sometimes i need to get stuff out to try to figure out, to see the patterns though sadly in my case i dont see any solutions.

my life went downhill from age 10 im 28 now. i was at boarding school that time, i was horribly bullied, remember crying all the time and feeling this emotional and physical coldness and emptiness. other stuf happened too but it is hard to bring myself to say it. my paranoia started at that age, really bad, thinking people hated me, constantly seeking reassurance and torturing myself, feeling sorry for myself, people hating a victim and the whole sorry story coming full circle and starting again.

i started si when i was 18. that was the year i finally got help for my depression and anxiety in therapy. it started mild just scratching. until a few months ago i cut deep my arms my legs my stomach and i b**ned myself. i scar really easily and literally every single scar i have has not faded or disappeared. now i hit myself mostly my legs until i bruise. i cant bear any more scars. is it better than i have moved on to a more "moderate" form of SI? Really I dont know. I dont do it because I am scared for my health or cos I want to stop altogther, i feel like others think i am crazy or will isolate me cos of my ugly scars. i went to a skin doctor and basically she cant do jack sh** for me, all this fancy technology wont help like laser esp the ones that formed keloids. i am trying to find a plastic surgeon but i relaly dont know if that will work out.

why do i si? its hard for me to sometimes figure out. when i am caged and frustrated to the point where i feel like i crawling inside my skin i hit myself hard without thinking to channel that frustration at myself. i want to wear myself out so that i dont feel it but it doesnt really work. its a distraction for like 2 seconds but it doesnt distract me from what i really feel.

when i go through a bout of bad depression, i dont think i do it as much cos i am flat and dont have the energy, i curl up and want to sleep forever.

i have a bad problem with paranoia and obsessions and ruminating over the same thing over and over. its really bad. i worry badly about everything that is to happen in the next day. sometimes the worries get so bad i hit myself hard in the end without thinking. no one understands the worry and think i ruin the fun in things and get pissed off with me and some abandon me for saying the same thing over and over which is all i can to alleviate my anxiety. sometimes i get scared and feel so alone and angry i hit myself hard without thinking. i torture myself with things that have not happened in such a sadistic way. when i have a paranoia like my good friend who i love and miss doesnt care, it hurts me so much i feel like my heart is breaking, and then it leads to a cruel fantasy in my head and i dont know why i do it. like for example i torture myself he will abandon me he will hate me and it scares me that i am emotionally dependent on him. i fantasise, if thats the word, that he doesnt ever want to see me, he makes up excuses and then sees his work mates who he seens every day. i fantasise that the girl he likes wll order him to stop talking to me if they get together. these are the things that i fear but when i think of them in my head it becomes real it is like it is happening and i cry and break down as it in reality it has ALREADY happened. these thoughts torture me and go round and round in my head till it becomes too much for a person to take and i should stop and beat my body over and over and i dont remember doing it. hitting has pretty much become my reaction to sadness, anger, paranoia, fear, rage, anxiety, frustration, feeling caged, misery which i pretty much feel every day. when i hit and i am not aware of the fact that i am doing it, it is like depersonalisation in some way and i cannot remember the details and sometimes it is good cos it distracts me and after doing it i collapse onto my bed empty like i am comatose or something. tbh i am glad i have a way other than cutting and i regret cutting cos of the scars. at the time i was completely isolated and thought whats the point.

i dont si or cut as part of an intention to end it all. i have od'ed twice before.

this is my work pc and i am paranpid they will read it but i needed to get this out cos i have been crying for an hour imagining my good friend abandoning me and getting together with that girl who clearly resents me. i cant explian the magnitude of how much he means to me. he is the only person i can open up to in real life other that posting online or phoning the samaritans. i need that support. if he leaves me, i can guarantee that i would cut badly. i fear many things but i fear this the most right now.
Two steps forward one step back.