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What a way to survive *everything just incase

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catapult:
Im posting in here, as im surviving. An what a way that we survive. The things we do, to survive. If you ask me, we're all survivors, we're all still here arnt we? If youre reading this, youre surviving, an you should be proud of that.

Im currently not doing some things. Its been over a month since i last relapsed, on the cutting, and the drinking, and the od'ing. I did it all in one night, over a month ago. Im still struggling, im still in pain, tonight, my heart is truly breaking with all the loss. But im coping. I dont exactly know how, but i am, arnt i? Coping. What is coping. Getting thru one day after another without hurting myself? Talking about how im feeling and the thoughts inside my head and not bottling them up? Or just living life. Going out of the house. Feeding and washing and dressing myself. Keeping my appointments, paying my bills, answering my phonecalls and doing something that is classed as 'social'. Is that coping?

Am i coping when im dying inside? Am i coping when i sit and break down and cry? Am i coping when this golf ball of anxiety in my throat forces itself out and i cant speak? Am i coping when i try and sooth myself? I stroke my own hair, i rock back and forth, i try and let it out, so im not keeping it in. I keep on, letting it out, more and more and more and it just keeps coming, over and over and over again. It doesnt really stop, just lessens. Like waves.

Im surviving. Im in pain, im a mess, im emotional and i berate myself constantly for things ive done, and things i havnt, for things that were my fault, and things that wernt. But im surviving, and im proud of that.

Its not alot to go on. But its all ive got.

catapult:
Ive just woken up, what the? Ive completley lost a day, its dark already. Im really confused, i feel really odd.  :(

catapult:
I had a couple of coffees and a bath, woke up a bit. Have eaten, i figure doing some normal things might take this confusion away a bit. Had a rather amusing trip to the shop, they refused to serve me with baccy as i didnt have any id on me an they didnt believe i was over 25! Im 30 in January! Mental note, to look younger, dont wear any makup, and don a wooly hat, knocks years off apparently...

I feel really far away from the world today, like theres only me in it. Strange feeling. Theres been some sort of worldwide disaster and everyones dead, and theres only me left. I feel like im dreaming, maybe i am. Maybe im still in bed an im gonna wake up an itll be Sunday morning. Im zoning in and out, im losing minutes here and there. Watching tv and not remembering what i just saw, not understanding what im watching. Im dissasociating alot. Im not entirely sure why, its quite unnerving. I know its a mental response and the bodys way to save itself from stuff, but its really really strange, as its not conciouss.

Im trying to understand myself, think these things thru without resorting to things that DO make sense to me. I know how various forms of sh work for me, how it feels to do it, how i feel after it, and why i did it. In not using those things my body and my brain is changing to use its own forms of protection to keep me safe. Losing time. I dont feel BAD that its happening, as its not in my control, im not choosing to do it. I just feel a little scared, and very confused.

catapult:
Im truly saddened by the locked post in this room. If you dont agree/having anything constructive to say, then dont say anything. It made me sad  :(

Anyhoo, that might be as im now going cold turkey off Paroxetine. After a fairly confusing coversation with the doctor yesterday, we've decided to stick with my usual meds. Granted ideally, i should be weaning off them, but i couldnt afford another script in order to gradually reduce. So, feeling fairly fragile today, and got what feels like a steaming hangover.Co-ordination is diabolical, an my body feels like its been hit by a car. But thats possibly got something to do with having a 'me vs road' crash yesterday, came off my bike on the ice.

I know its gonna be a rough week, but im cleaning out. No more PRN, no more suppliment meds for anxiety or panic, just one constant AD. At least i know any particularly hard times in the next few days are due to detox.

Just wanted to post, as im running on confusion and feeling quite mentally shakey, and havnt spoken to anyone yet today. Ill let you guys know how the detox goes.

This is another step on my progression. Im still going, this is a good thing right?!

catapult:
Okay, so my last paroxetine intake was sunday teatime. Now is tuesday night. Detox: a steeeeaming headache that ive had aaaaall day, really bad, my muscles ache, my skin is unusually sensitive, my co-ordination is terrible, im groggy and it takes alot of effort to move. Basically, i feel crapola. This is really crappy. Its the headache more than anything. It feels the same as having a complete skinful the night before an when you wake up youre brain is so dehydrated it feels like a brick. I have a brick in my head. I have a brick in my head that has a foot on it an is kicking at my temples.

Im trying to decide if its really sad of me to complete this self dialogue. I do enjoy it though, and typing things out in here helps, i can read it back, and it makes my emotions and symptoms factual, and therefore easier for my brick brain to compute. It helps me make sense of what im thinking or feeling. By seeing it in print it whittles everything else away, so im not thinking a million things and trying to figure out which of those is bothering me.

I figure if im using this for the wrong reasons one of the mods will kindly tell me, and this thread shall be locked forthwith.

Till then i shall continue to use it for my self-musings, and a form of therapy.

DAMN MY HEAD HURTS!!!!!!!! Oh, and my new climbing shoes turned my toes blue. Just sharing.

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