Author Topic: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*  (Read 7505 times)

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Offline Terri

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Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« on: May 20, 2013, 09:16:05 PM »
I'm going on holiday in September with two of my friends. One I know really well, the other not so much. The person I know well knows about some of my MH stuff, in that she knows I've been in hospital and she knows sometimes I get quite low. The other one knows nothing. Neither of them know about the scars, as I don't ever wear short sleeves or shorts or anything that reveals them. I would really like to wear short sleeves on holiday though. It's going to average 24 degrees (approx) in the day and I don't want to be overly restricted. I like having the sun on my skin (though I know to wear a high SPF on scars).


Question is, how do I approach the subject with my friends? They'll both understand, but I don't know how to tell them. It's further complicated by the fact that I'm going to be working with the one who knows least (it's a small world.) I don't want to get them stared at because I'm being stared at. I've got significant scarring, from cuts, burns and grafts. Most of the scars are white now, but I've got really obvious red scars on my feet. Even the white ones are obvious because of the amount - my arms are all lumpy and bumpy and my legs are the same. :(
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Offline jackgrillo

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2013, 09:28:12 PM »
It very much depends on how you want to approach it.

You could come out and tell them straight out. Explain that it's part of your MH stuff, and that you're doing better than you have been, but that it's a part of you. You don't even have to come straight out and tell them, perhaps you could wear short sleeves when you see them at some point, and see if they react? It may be that they don't mention it, and that it doesn't phase them at all, or it may be that they ask without trying to be too rude. Remember, you don't have to tell them everything. You can tell them that it's to do with your mental health, but that you don't want to talk too much about it.

As for the people staring thing, I know what you mean, but I find that people don't actually stare as much as you think they would. Generally, people just notice, and then move on, especially when they are on holiday. At the end of the day, you're going to be abroad, and nobody there is going to know you, so what does it matter?
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Offline Terri

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2013, 10:39:08 PM »
Thanks Jack. :hug2:


I think I'm going to tell them before. I would feel weird just having the scars visible without having given them a bit of pre-warning. I won't go into detail, just tell them that I had a difficult time and that's how I used to deal with it.


Being abroad is the only reason I'm considering no sleeves. It'll be liberating to be able to go out and about without being worried about family or other friends seeing.
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2013, 01:44:49 PM »
2 points:

1) If they are true friends they will love you regardless of the scars.

2) Speaking from experience: They probably already know.

I used to live in long sleeves, sweatbands etc etc until hanging out with a group of friends and they asked why I bothered covering up (I didn't broach the subject, they just came out with it). They knew about my mental health and they put 2 and 2 together and got the right answer and proceeded to tell me to stop wasting as much patience and stress covering them up as they weren't phased by them... I haven't covered up since (except for job interviews) and I am more confident now than I was before hand as I wasnt constantly fearful that a sleeve or sweatband had slipped leaving my scars were on show... because they already were and everyone who mattered already knew.

As Jack said, maybe test the water by wearing short sleeves to go for a drink/coffee with them over summer before your holiday?

Alternatively, you can get a big enough suitcase to fit me in and I can duff them up if they dare to say anything!  :;):

Offline Terri

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2013, 08:04:55 PM »
Thank you both. I'm sorry that I've not come back to this before; I've been kind of ignoring the situation. However, with only two months to go, I need to start thinking about talking.


I think I'm going to tell one tonight. If I approach it with the one that knows best and then go from there, perhaps it'll be OK. Full of regret for having been so ridiculous in the past, but regret doesn't help anything I guess...


Hehe, thanks for the offer of duffing them up! We're only taking hand luggage though... ;D
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline Terri

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2013, 10:29:24 PM »
So, conversation went like this:

Me:
Quote
Ramble about issue...


K:
Quote
Its a big thing to worry about if you've not shown them before! We've all been through some phases in our lives... I think J will surprise you as to how understanding she would be! She is a good one she is! So don't let telling J worry you!

As for holiday... wear what you feel comfortable in! You know I'm only winding you up about the bikini wearing! ;]
If you want to swim, maybe wear a tshirt and some swim short jobbies? If thats what you want to wear? I can't really advise on that side as I haven't seen the scars my love, but I know that you should show as much or as little as you want! Just remember, that its the people who you are with that love you! I'd LOVE to see you in a pretty summer dress, get those legs out and the arms. But if you don't want to, don't do it!

Believe me lovely, its easier to do it on holiday, where you'll never see these people again, than to do it at home!

We shall also only take pictures if you want us too!

There maybe some on the arms and lower legs that aren't as bad as you think though... I'm not wanting to sound insensitive and its hard to type without it coming out wrong, so I'm gonna try! pleaseeee don't be offended or owt!
There is some stuff, I think, you can get to dull down scars? but I do know that when you tan, the scars show up more...(mine do anyway)
Oh Terri, I'm trying to find the right words

Maybe, if you wanted, are you still coming up at the end of the month? We could go shopping and try some things on? See how you feel in them... If you exert confidence, people don't notice!
I won't anyway, because I will love your beautiful self no matter what


Me:
Quote
More rambling...


K:
Quote
Everybody regrets something, if they don't they are lying! You just have to deal with those things that have been done, and learn to live with them!

Tankini is good! Swimming is good! All is good! So you have something to wear! I would LOVE to see you in a pretty dress lovely! I'm even more determined now to help you find one for our holiday
Holidays are good for leaving cares behind! And honestly... if you saw some people you see on holiday... you would NOT be worried at all!
You have my backing!

Thing is, people have lots of scars, I have plenty, you don't have to tell people about them!! Its not compulsory, but people will enquire, you just have to say, can we not talk about it, or give them a tall exciting story, say they are war wounds from the battle of Trafalgar ;] that'll stump them, if they didn't do history
You tell people what you need too!

Coming up Saturday is grand. If you get the train to Manchester instead? it'll be easier for me to pick you up... or even Preston, whichever is cheaper really. I'll then decide if its better to stop in Manchester on friday or drive Saturday morn We shall plan!!

We shall have time on Saturday! Shops open quite late! Trafford Centre ftw! We can go somewhere you feel most comfortable m'dear... Your family are the best Terri! They would judge the least out of everyone! They wouldn't be freaked...

Terri you are one of my dearest friends and I love you very much! You've been there for me more then I dare to mention. Being there for each other is what we do!

We shall talk more tomorrow I'm glad i could be of some help, and I'm sure J will be fine!

love you very much, and your mum is AWESOME!!!
Best start small! short sleeves is a starting point, 3/4's even are good! You'll get to a point where you think stuff it! I'm sure you will

Love you muchly! xxxx


I don't think it could have gone much better. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such an amazing friend.  :13886:
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline Je7

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2013, 11:21:21 PM »
Yay! That is so lovely. They are totally right. You have super friends x

Offline Terri

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2013, 12:14:45 AM »
Thank you, Je7. :)


I do have super friends. :)
Chief :smurf: Pry Master.


And hope and grace were all I needed.

This isn't everything you are.

Offline Lily Kym

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2013, 11:08:20 PM »
They are also lucky to have you as a friend.
glad the conversation went well xx

Offline riot-grrrl

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Re: Approaching the conversation. *Scars*
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2013, 04:26:59 PM »
hey love,

i'm so glad that the conversation went so well!!! that's awesome, your friends are great xxx
"No, I regret nothing, all I regret is having been born, dying is such a long tiresome business I always found."