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Title: Childhood abuse hitting me years later
Post by: Theres always light on May 21, 2020, 10:43:33 PM
(This happened when I was writing a poem)

I cried a little writing this one, I wish I could have been there for me at that age, abuse is abuse no matter the form, I've been made to feel like it isn't equivalent to other forms of abuse but a kid should never be treated badly, I was never hit, I witnessed it, I feel so guilty, I use to wish I would get hurt so my sister would be ok but all I ever did was freeze in those situations, I couldn't move, I watched her get her hair pulled out and she was screaming, like a murder scream, I just stood there, my mother had her hair wrapped around her wrists, she was sitting on top of her back, my sister on all fours in the door way, just screaming, she couldn't get away and I remember just standing there watching it

This happened years ago and I'm writing and crying about it now, my chest hurts, I don't know what happened to bring this on, I want to talk to my step mum so much, I want a hug from her but I can't let people see me like this, I don't know why, I'm not ashamed, I just turned it off when people are around, my life was scary as a kid and no one in this family understands that

I can't stop crying, it's like I'm just realising it happened, so much happened back then and my mother doesn't even care where I am now, she moved away not long after I moved out, I don't where she is and I don't know what to make of it, I was abandoned by her but I moved out first so was I the one to abandoned her? I said I'd always be there for her, I tried so much to help her, I was so scared of her and for her, I don't know if I miss her, I just wish she would called, I wish she would have cared, I put everything I had into her and she can't even call me, this hurts so much. 
Title: Re: Childhood abuse hitting me years later
Post by: Tucan on May 21, 2020, 10:57:37 PM
Title: Re: Childhood abuse hitting me years later
Post by: Theres always light on May 22, 2020, 10:45:33 AM
So it's the next day, I've pulled myself together a little bit, I remember hiding under the bathroom sink when I was younger, I covered my ears and tried to make myself as small as possible, thinking that she might not see me, she chased me up the stairs with a tool, so I bolted the bathroom door and just hoped it wouldn't go any further, but she was battering on the door really loud and screaming, it felt like she was going to brake through, and suddenly she went all calm and said come out, I'm not going to hurt you, I thought well you got a tool and you pretty much tried to brake the door down, you joking but I was to scared to move even if I wanted to, I heard her footsteps walk away and I just sat there for hours, when I next seen her, she acted like nothing happened

Another time she chased me up the stairs I went for my room because I couldn't I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough, I slammed my door close and I was trying to block it with furniture as I was doing that her arm got through the door, I could feel her anger coming off her, it was my weight against hers on the door, trying to keep her out, I had to slam myself against the door and jam her arm in the door, I felt so bad, I hated myself for hurting her, I was so scared, eventually she went to my sisters room, started arguing and I just sat there crying, barricading  my door   
Title: Re: Childhood abuse hitting me years later
Post by: Theres always light on May 22, 2020, 10:27:55 PM
(Really long story ahead I don't mind if no one reads it, it's ok either way)

Me and my sisters don't talk, it gets a bit complicated so I'll leave that for another time but I went to go live with one of them (the one who got beat pretty bad, the oldest, call her A). It was a bad idea, I felt bad for leaving my other sister (call her B ) at home with my mother, I didn't mean it when I told A it would be nice to live in her one bedroom flat, my mother was there at the time, it all happened so fast, I ended up moving in.

A was in an abusive relationship (Call him C), one night I walked in on them fighting, he was pulling her hair and she was screaming again, and again I froze but then I just went back to the bedroom, I don't remember much after that, there was tool on the radiator, I asked about it once, A told me it was incase a robber came in, I never believed it.

I still remember the smell and being in that small room, it was messy, they had a cat and it had flees and I was sleeping on a matters on the floor, so itchy from the flee bites.

I think my sister really tried but I knew something wasn't quite right with her, after being beat like that by your mum and then boyfriend no wonder your not right but she was manipulative, I think she had a heart but she also had an evil sense about her.

I knew I wasn't aloud to see B, she came by after school and A wouldn't let me see her and I remember calling my dad on the phone but I had to whisper

one night I was meant to go stay at my mums, a sleep over and then suddenly A said no, I think my mother was drunk again but I just wanted to be with her, they started arguing and A called the police, the police man came over to me and told me he thinks would be better if I went with my sister for the night, I still remember the feeling of being so close to someone who could help me, I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted to tell him that I hated it at my sisters and I was more worried about being there than my mothers, I knew my mum, my sisters was the unknown, C was the unknown, my mum was my mum and she was scary but I grew up with her, C was someone new, a new scary and I didn't want to be there, when the police man started walking away I felt all my hope go with him, I felt safer with him in those two seconds then I ever did before, if I just told him. We got back to the flat and A put me on her knees, she was patronising but I played dumb, I was so anxious, the policeman didn't know that he just sent me off to one nightmare instead of another.

 When we both lived at my mothers, A and B had an argument, when mum was out, B went upstairs and I went to check on her, I then went back downstairs to check on A, A was in the living holding a bowl of fire above her head, I ran back up the stairs and told B we had to get out because A was going to b**n the house down, a thousands thoughts went through my mind, I imagined A at the front door, blocking our way out, it was all wood, the stairs, the landing, the wooden floorboards, but once we got downstairs A was in the kitchen and she simple said, I put it out because I thought this b**** (me) was going to tell on me, now I don't know if it was for insurance or to kill us all but it seemed strange to say that.   

I don't know when but also remember being in a meeting with socail services, I was still young, under 12 for sure we were at a table and a couple people were in the room, I got asked a few questions, I got asked if everything was ok at home, my mother was behind me, I felt her presents like it was the only thing in the room, I was very much aware she was there, I had to say everything was good and smile because my mum told me that if anyone found out about anything she would kill my sisters first, then me and then herself.

I always felt responsible for my mum but this is getting really long so I'll stop here for tonight.   

Thank you for listening