Upset by partner's comments

[riot-grrrl]

I had an argument with my boyfriend today which has upset me quite a bit to be honest... i'm not sure how upset to be though (one of the problems with having BPD , it's impossible to know how much emotion is 'right' and how much is too much!!)

I've been really busy this last week trying to get work done for uni, i ended up staying awake for nearly 48 hours to get it done, so now my sleeping pattern is a mess, ive been sleeping all day and staying up all night. Yesterday night i couldn't sleep, and the boyfriend was snoring which keeps me awake and drives me mad, so i ended up stying awake untill 7.30am, then i fell asleep. I was too tired then to get up when he did, so i slept in really late, i didn't get up untill 5 o clock. He was angry with me for not getting up, and said that he was 'disappointed' in me. I asked why i was such a disapointment and he said, "well i guess i had higher expectations of you", i asked what these expectations were that i hadn't lived up to, and he said "well i thought you would work hard on your course and get a job".

I did have a job over christmas and I have recently been working really hard on my uni work. I do acknoledge that i could work harder, and sometimes yes i am lazy, i do sleep too much, but i do take a lot of strong medication everyday which does make me more tired than other people. Im always trying to improve myself and be a better more productive person and he knows this.

Is it really bad that he should say he is disappointed in me? - it feels very insulting. Why does he hve the right to pass judgement over me? Im also really hurt that he should say he had higher expectations of me. Why am i such a failure and a disapointment? It makes me feel pretty bad :-(

[Bethy]

I'm sorry RG - I can really empathise. A comment like that would have really upset me too. I think the important thing is though that you *have* been working hard - you're not a failure. I can't speak for your boyfriend but I doubt he meant it to bother you so much. I know it's easier to say that than believe it though, as it was quite a sensitive comment. x

[Louise]

Hi RG

Like you I am often accused of "overreacting" to things people say, but I am feeling very rational and balanced today and I have to say - I still think you have every right to be upset by what he said.

To try and look at the flip side (as I say, in extreme rational mood today so doing my whole Jeremy Kyle "there's two sides to every story" thing!) maybe he was having a bad day of it for some reason or other and just snapped that at you without thinking? Not that it excuses it or makes what he said true, just that it may well not be a fair reflection of how he actually sees you? For example, I completely lost it with my husband last week and basically accused him of being the most useless lazy person on earth - he isn't, there was just something at home that had pretty much tipped me over the edge, after working all ay and coming home to find he had done nothing about it. I guess all I mean is people can say some very hurtful and completely untrue things in anger!

Obviously I don't know your boyfriend, but the fact this upset and shocked you so much suggests this isn't the attitude he usually has towards you? Do you think it would be worth talking to him, calmly, and just asking for him to explain how exactly he feels you have "disappointed" him, and point out that the things he said really aren't a fair reflection of all you have been doing and how hard you have been working? It may be that there's something completely unrelated that is causing him stress and anger and seeing that you have been asleep while he was awake that day meant that he (completely unfairly) ended up taking it out on you? Like I say, I really don't believe he actually has this low opinion of you, sounds more like an unfortunate combination of circumstances lead to him saying something wrong that he probably really regrets.

Sounds like you have been working very hard, there's no doubt about that. I completely get why you are so upset, as after running yourself ragged to get everything done, now it's sorted you probably (understandably!) felt a bit chuffed with yourself, so someone implying you don't work hard when you've knackered yourself to do just that is the last thing you should expect to hear!

You're not a failure, or a disappointment. I really think you need to talk to him and get to the route of what caused his little outburst - and maybe ring your parents for a chat or something, I bet they recognise all you have achieved