I don't feel like anything has changed (maybe triggering?)

[HG888]

Hi. Basically I started university and told occupational health about SH. They said that in order for me to stay at uni, I had to do stuff, like go to GP, counselling service, regular OH appointments, and I did it all because I REALLY wanted to stay at uni (had been SHing for 5 years, and I'd never told anyone). So I went to counselling and got referred to a SH team on the NHS, and had some counselling there, and hated it all. And now, I've completely stopped self harming, which they all think is brilliant, and I got discharged from counselling, but it's not brilliant because nothing has changed. I have absolutely nothing to feel proud of, because the only thing I've done is swap cuts for an elastic band, and I could have done it anyway, if I'd wanted to. The thoughts and feelings are all still there. I still think about it, and how much I want to do it, and I miss it so much, and all of the things that lead me to start are still there. I was happy to stop counselling because I find it so exhausting, and my counselor kept asking 'why?' to everything I said and I never had any idea, so there were a lot of silences. So basically I feel like I've lied to them (even though I was usually 100% honest when it came to whether or not I'd SHed), because they were smiling and telling me it's brilliant but I know that nothing has changed, and I don't know what to do any more because I really felt like coming to uni with so many resources was my chance, and now I have nothing. My GP was nice. She wanted to see me regularly to make sure I was OK, but basically I had to book an appointment and they didn't have any, so I would have had to phone in, but I get really anxious on phones. Then I forgot her name, so I didn't know who to ask for, so I decided to just leave it instead (now it's 4 months later, I still don't know her name, and the idea of calling makes me feel so anxious I have to lie down for a bit). Kind of a rant, but has anyone experienced anything similar, or have any idea of what I should do. And please don't say well done, because I haven't achieved anything and it just makes me feel like I should have if you get what I mean.

[sarah2649]

I know you've asked for us not to, but I will say 'well done' and I will tell you why .

Although you still feel like you want to s/f ... you haven't , and although you miss the relief/feelings it gives you.... something must have proved to work better than this for you to have stopped.
Rather than look at all the negatives around s/h and what people may or may not have done - its you that has managed to stop yourself from s/h-ing, which you really should be proud of.
Counselling doesn't always solve everything and more often than not, its ourselves that have to take that first step to recovery. we can be given medication, distraction techniques etc, but unless we want to help ourselves , none of that actually works.
maybe talking on here may help you make a bit more sense of your feelings

Thinking of you

Sarah /x

[Lotus]

From  my experience at my own uni, they need to make sure you do the 'right' thing to make sure they are legally covered. If their ideas are not what best suits you then no one can force you to do it. You need to find the best solutions that suit you, as everyone is different. If you found the doctor was approachable and you would like to continue with her then you could always go into the surgery, explain to the receptionist that you don't know the gps name but describe her and see who matches that? If you would rather not speak to a receptionist then you could try and see if the surgery has a website with photos of their doctors and find her name that way?

Hope this helps!