Do I stay or go?

[merla]

Hello sorry for this being my first post (awkwardly, I think this may be my second account as I couldn't remember the username I used last time...  :whistler:) Also  :trig: I guess (is that right?). I think it belongs here? Sorry if it doesn't :o

Anyway. I'm in my third year of uni and I am finding it hard. Really hard. My uni town is 250 miles from my home town and I'm in a long distance relationship with my BF; we'll celebrate our 2nd anniversary at the end of this month. I didn't finish year 2 very well - I managed to just scrape a pass, and if I want to get a respectable mark overall, I really need to be giving 150%. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem possible

Largely because I seem to have slipped into some very bad habits...  :trig:

I find it very hard to eat right now, I eat about 4 days out of 7, the days that I do eat I'm down the gym and I don't leave until the machines say I've worked at least half of it off (not that it makes a difference...), I spend my time looking at thinspo and triggering images, I've started SH again after being clean for over 7 months, my sleep habits have gone out the window and as of today, I'm pretty much a few steps away from at the very least, doing something quite damaging to myself. I don't feel safe. Last night I got to sleep at 5am and slept until 2pm, missing my 9am lecture and making me late for my 2pm meeting (which I in turn cried off sick, because I just couldn't be arsed with the hassle of it). Today I sat in my bed and cried until about 4pm, when I managed to get myself up and showered, but only because I wanted to go and walk out to the local suicide point :/ The entire way there I was debating in my head about whether to do it or not and it took a sh** load of strength to eventually turn around... It's getting scary now.

When I started with the counselling service at the start of term the first thing she suggested was that I take a year out. My reasons for not wanting to do this are several:
1 - I worry that if I do take a year out, I'll never return as I can't stand my uni town and over summer all I could feel was dread about coming back
2 - Unemployment is high and I can't afford to sit and do nothing for a year, so I would need to get a full time job, which would be even more stressful to cope with these issues with
3 - (Should probably be number 1 tbh) I'm unsure where I'd stand on funding, as I've already dropped out of uni once and 'used' my extra year
4 - My current house is, unlike the previous houses I've lived in, really friendly and the people are lovely. I've also just paid £1250 rent.
5 - My parents would be very upset to see me 'giving up' again.

I start CBT later on this week and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to discuss how I am after summer (and hopefully get a note to change the 9am I missed this morning as not attending means my dissertation marks go down which does NOT need to happen!). I'm applying for provisions from the university with regards to deadlines etc. but in all honesty they're not treating it as a massive problem. It's pretty much been 'yeah, we'll put some notes down saying you may need an extension, but you'll still have to do all the procedures like getting a doctors note handed in on the deadline date and filling out countless forms...' I only have two assignments this semester, and I've nearly finished one already so I don't think this is going to help! I'm far more worried and stressed about my dissertation, which my uni doesn't allow deadline extensions for even with provisions. Talking to people in various departments doesn't seem to have helped at all.

I really don't know what to do now. Struggle on and hope that I finish the year with decent enough grades to progress into something else? Take a year out and hope that some small miracle happens over the year? Hope that the counselling does the trick? Take on medication and hope that it makes me better, not worse (had some very bad experiences with meds in the past)? See if I can transfer to a uni closer to home and risk getting a 'lesser' degree?

Sigh. What is your opinion on me staying at uni right now?

[Bethy]

Hiya,
Welcome to the forum. I'm in my final year of uni too so can relate to a lot of what you've written. It's a really tricky situation and your head must be absolutely spinning!
You've listed the reasons for NOT leaving for a year - what about the reasons for? What does your gut tell you? You've made it this far, could you hang on in there just until the academic year is over? (Though I very much understand how stressful dissertations are! but they are at the best of times, so the way I'm personally trying to look at it is that the best way to get past it is just to plough through it). I think ultimately it'll be entirely your own decision, as nobody knows the situation better than you, though I would say that talking to as many different people about it could be wise.
Do you get on okay with your GP? They might be able to offer an opinion or just some ongoing support.
Take care

[hayley]

If completing now would be very stressful for you with starting CBT and having problems with your eating, you know you could defer and complete at a uni closer to your home town.  I know someone who had to drop out and changed unis to complete the last year of the course.  Could be an option for you.