Counselling is starting :/ *SA, SH*

[Vermilion]

I'm finally starting that counselling that I need for the S.A. that I've experienced. After so many delays due to Covid and then being engaged with DBT therapy and having to defer it it's finally time to start. I'm anxious about it obviously and I'm frightened of possibly relapsing after going so long without SH I worry that to do so once would lead to everything escalating again. I have my CC and still have 5 DBT 'maintenance ' sessions left if I need them (I used one during my last relationship ending) but will it be enough? What about when when I'm struggling to sleep and there's no one to help me?

I have the pre counselling chat in a bit, where we'll talk about the basics like safeguarding, what the counselling will involve etc so nothing too intense yet . I'll try and express some concerns, I'm not going to be the only one who worries about this stuff. I'm determined to do this, those bastards have stolen enough of my life and I refuse to let them steal anymore.

I don't know why I'm posting this, what I'm expecting people here to say. I'm just...acknowledging my feelings I suppose... 

[Rob]

Were you able to discuss your concerns today?

[Vermilion]

Somewhat..it was incredibly difficult because it was on the phone.  They seem to be knowledgeable about the safety of clients, there were a few screening questions about SH and Sui and she reassured me that there are guidelines/procedures in place but after office hours I'm stuck with the crisis team who are as useful as a Durex machine in the Vatican.  She sent me some info to look over but I haven't been able to look it over because I'm out and about a lot and I don't want to read it in public. 

My anxiety has been high as it is with various things going on but now.... I have to.work really hard to make sure that it doesn't take over. I spoke to CC yesterday but I think that I need some extra help. I can't think straight. I haven't got time to.speak to CC today but I'll message her tomorrow if I'm still overwhelmed.. I've just got to not break down and cry while in public nor on my course this evening.. 

[Vermilion]

I'm struggling. I'm not sleeping well and I'm shaking a lot of the time. I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm going to.try some diazepam and see if it helps to get me over these rough patches, that's what it's prescribed for after all.. I've been getting headaches and have been sick a few times because I'm so anxious 

I know that part of this is because everything has been brought back to the surface again and I also have an appointment to have a coil fitted this week which is a very intrusive procedure. The coil is just something that I have yo do irrespective of my feelings about the procedure because I'm really trying to get  back to normal after what happened which includes getting back to a normal sex life and once its done I'll be able to do so without worrying about condoms breaking due to the ointments I'm frequently using. So I know that I need to grit my teeth and get on with it and I will but it's so very difficult. Things always seem to crop up at the same time, like I can't just deal with one thing at a time.

Plan;

-Take diazepam
-Message CC
-Attend both groups tomorrow (what DBT calls the 'opposite action" skill)
-Tell the doctor a bit about this when she fits my coil so that she understands why I'm anxious/will struggle with it.

I just want to say that just because I'm trying to get o  with things that doesn't mean that is easy. Some people just don't understand that.