DBT is tough *SH, sui*

[Vermilion]

I'm just starting the full course of DBT and it's so difficult. It's online via video chat and I hate being on the camera so that's making it even tougher. I hate doing the group, not because anyone is horrible but I find it so difficult to speak and follow what others are saying. There's so much insistence on speaking in the group, if I try and be silent the facilitator keeps asking me questions but I'd prefer to observe and listen and ask questions in the one to one. When we were doing the pre assessment stuff it brought up difficult things and things that I'm ashamed of, then I have to do the group which is really tough.

I'm scared that I'm going to fail it, that things are going to get worse, that it doesn't work. I'm exhausted and stressed sometimes to the point where I cry. I feel a really strong urge to b**n and b**n until I feel anything other than what I'm feeling now, of course I don't even fully understand what I'm feeling so it makes it difficult to explain. There are times, which are getting more and more frequent, where I feel like I just want to end things now, I just want it over y'know? Thing is no amount of DBT is going to change how horrible this world is and it feels like I could be wasting my time if I don't want to live in this world anyway.

[Vermilion]

Maybe I should tell someone how I'm feeling about it all? I'm worried that they'll make me stop the treatment if they know that it's making me feel so bad.  I'm not sure if I can do this for a whole year but I also feel like this is my only hope. I've got a lot of mixed feelings about it and I'm really struggling with them.

[Tucan]

I hope they help you.

[so sad]

Hi

DBT is really hard. I did the 12 month course of it and there were times, many times, when I thought I'd have to drop out, it just felt too hard.

I was lucky in that I got to go to group. I had never imagined that I would feel OK in a group setting, it was my worse nightmare but as time went on, I found it easier and really helpful. There is a push to talk, I get that and it takes a while for the dynamics of the group to settle in but once that happens you'll all know who the chatty ones are and who the quieter ones are.

They like you to ask questions about the skills you are learning. Give a bit of feedback on the homework you've done. They don't expect you to bare all, just some to show that you are committed to it.

I had a lot of major wobbles, almost got kicked off once and almost dropped out a couple more times. When I got to the end I was gutted. I was leaving a great group and an even better therapist and I really never thought I would feel that way. I was also upset that I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be, where I thought I would be at the end but its been a couple of years since I finished and I've realised that you never finish learning - you will always have to work at the skills but then you find yourself using them without having really thought too much about it.

Give yourself time. Talk to your therapist about your difficulties in the group and how you are feeling. They may be able to give you some tips on how to manage the group setting and help you identify bits of skills to help with the emotions. They know its  a huge undertaking and they know how hard it is to get your head around new things when your head is already messed up.

Take deep breaths (cliche I know but trust me, it helps) and be kind to yourself (Again, I know how hard that can be).

I'm here if you want to talk or ask me anything about DBT.

Mx

[Terri]

Hey Vermilion.

I finish DBT in the middle of September after completing two rounds (60 group sessions in total and a similar number of individual sessions.) It is HARD, no denying that, and there have been so many times when I've thought that I just cannot. But I have, you know? And though I'm definitely not cured, my quality of life has improved (that was the aim - no one thought it'd remove my issues completely.) It is worth sticking with, I can assure you of that.

It's hard facing group when you've been raw and honest with the facilitators and they're aware of things you rather they weren't. I really struggled with that after a disclosure too. But the judgement came from me - not from them. It'll be similar for you, I'd imagine. We are so harsh on ourselves and it's totally undeserved.

Same as M (So Sad), happy to chat to you about DBT/Skills/Etc should that be helpful.

[Vermilion]

Thank you I'm glad that it's worth it, I'm seriously wondering if it's worth putting myself through all of this.

I'm struggling to get my head around it all think, change is always so difficult be it good or bad. I'm certainly judging myself harshly and it's me putting pressure on myself rather than anyone else putting pressure on me. I think that I feel like this is my last chance and if I fail then it's game over. I hate admitting to my shameful behaviours and yes, it is hard to sit in a group knowing that both facilitators are aware of these things, it's difficult to share these things with one person never mind more. I feel bad when I refuse to share things in the group but they are just personal issues that I don't wish to share with anyone. I've already been honest about my feelings towards the group and the 'phone counselling' but I have to do the things irrespective of my feelings and it's b***** hard.

I have group tomorrow morning but I'm certainly not going to sharing the fact that I've b**ned again but I'm speaking to CC on Friday, maybe I can speak to her about it. I have to speak more apparently even though writing has always been far easier and and more helpful. I'll write the b**ning in the 'diary card' like I'm supposed to but I find that hard to do never mind saying it.

[so sad]

Reading that post was like reading my mind 2 years ago - the whole thought about this is your last chance and if you fail its game over. That was  exactly how I felt. DBT never leaves you (in my experience anyway). The skills come to mind without much effort, not that I can always use them, but they are there in the background. I still refer to my notes (and I have a lot of them!) from time to time.

Try not to think about it as timebound. I did and it did my head in. Even at the end of the 12 months you are not perfect or healed or an expert, you will still have learnt the skills and they will just need working on and practising. Easier said than done, I'm a b***** for not doing this but I know its what I need to do to continue healing and managing the huge emotions and feelings. They don't disappear but you learn to live with them and to use the skills to manage them. Like Terri said, its about building a life worth living. Its about defining what that 'life worth living' is about for you - its different for everyone. That won't happen overnight and setbacks will happen and you'll feel a million miles away from the finishing line but just go with it.

Self-harming is something that was never mentioned in group. That was between everyone and their therapists. The group for me is more about giving a bit of feedback on your homework, how you used the skills and did it work or not. its ok to say it didn't work. That is what the group is for, as people settle into the group, they'll start offering bits of advice, completely agreeing with you as they've had the same problems. Its not about sharing everything that is in your head. Make notes of things you can say that don't run too deep, just high level bits on info that are enough to make them see you are taking part. It can be a bit of a game.

Hope this helps and good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Mx

[Vermilion]

Thank you 

I think that group went a little better, I didn't share anything personal but I did ask questions so that they know that I'm trying at least...

I think the reason that I'm thinking of it as my last chance is because professionals have given the impression (or at least seem to have) that it's the answer to everything. Then I think that if I fail then that's it, game over. there's also part of me that thinks that no amount of skills are going to change the fact that I have autism so no matter what I do I'll never change. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it all. I should try and talk about it tomorrow at my one to one session 

[Vermilion]

I'm not feeling good and I don't know if it's the b**n or a cold. I'm going to have to phone the doctors in the morning. I'm supposed to have DBT but I think that this would have to be a priority. Just what I f*****g need. 

[Vermilion]

The doctor has given me antibiotics and an appointment with the nurse later, the doctor said to go to hospital but I'm only going if it gets really bad. I'll have to leave DBT about 15 minutes early. Not too bad I suppose.  Hopefully I'll start to feel better soon because right now I feel like crap.