Hiya! Sorry it's been a while.
3am seemed like the perfect time to pop in.
Things are progressing somewhat and in a rather positive way. I know I've still got a way to go, but a few good things have happened recently and I thought I'd share them.
- I have accepted an unconditional offer from a local university to study a BSc(Hons) in Public and Environmental Health. I'm off to study in September and, though I'm somewhat apprehensive, I'm also rather looking forward to it. I applied some time ago, but was almost certain that I would not get a place on the course. This just shows that my thoughts/feelings are not always facts/reality, even though that feel like they are at the time. Work have said I can keep my hours (my uni hours will be two full days) so financially I'll be OK.
- I have started my second round of DBT. I completed my first round at the end of 2020 and the second round started this week. I was in a lot of turmoil over whether or not to continue with therapy, for a whole variety of reasons, but in the end the decision was taken out of my hands and the MH team told me I shouldn't have been given a choice - 2 rounds was what was happening.
I've already started taking the repeat more seriously than the first time I did the modules; I've started making notes on worksheets and I've looked for and printed some of my own materials, rather than just shoving what I've been sent into the (very unorganised) folder as soon as the session was over. I now have 6 folders - one for each module (2 lots of 3 modules).
- I have lost half of my body weight. It sounds a lot, but I was morbidly obese and now I am not. I've still got a way to go in that regard (I'm still overweight according to medics), but I'm so much healthier now, especially as I also do a lot of physical activity. I walk, do workouts on my TV (from a subscription service with some equipment I have), swim in the sea and cycle (not always using the battery
). Weight is far from everything, but I was lugging round an awful lot and it made everything so much harder. Things are tough anyway when emotional dyregulation is a challenge you face, but not being able to tie my shoelaces without getting out of breath did not help the situation. I have found that eercise has been really beneficial to my mental health. It certainly doesn't solve everything, but it does give me another outlet and I tend to want to look after my body more when it feels stronger, which reduces the urges to self-harm.
- I may have met a boy.
It's really early days and meeting is not a thing right now, but we've been chatting via message and video chat and it's pleasant. He's funny and kind and clever and it might not go anywhere at all, but I'm enjoying it for what it is and will see what happens. It's a nice place to be.
- I have improved some of the relationships that I've got with various people. My sister is having a baby so I'm going to be an Auntie.
I've been keeping my flat tidy and haven't lived with flies since I moved in 4.5 years ago. Alec the cat is still wonderful.
Things are still very fragile and I still have to be very careful with regards to emotions and triggers and balance, but I'm slowly becoming more aware of myself and how to manage things more effectively. I hope not to have another episode of being self-destructive, but that is not necessarily completely realistic - so I will take it day by day, use the skills I am learning to the best of my ability and if I slip, I will try not to make it too horrific and then pick myself up and try again. Aim for the best possible outcome, but plan for mistakes - just in case, to make the transition back to OK possible and more smooth. Or that's the idea.
I think about you all often.
