Self inflicted trauma? *Trigs- SH, Sui*

[Vermilion]

I'm not sure if it's possible to traumatise myself by self by self inflicted injuries. There are times when I've been in serious danger of death both through actual suicide attempts and times when the self harm has accidentally become life threatening. Most recently, I attempted to take my own life (obviously I can't/won't go into specifics) but I find that I get extremely vivid memories and dreams of the event, it's as though I'm reliving it over and over again with both the physical/medical consequences of the act itself and the emotions that I was feeling at the time.
 I'm also struggling with the confusing emotions of guilt and embarrassment but also wishing that I'd succeeded but relieved that I didn't. It's a dichotomy I know; on the one side the thought that I almost stepped into oblivion is frightening and unsettling and yet it's appealing as well because all of the daily crap that I struggle with would be over and there would be no struggle anymore. I can't figure out how I feel about it, it's confusing me.

I've written a note to my CC and we'll speak on Tuesday but I'm wondering if anyone else gets this. It's akin to the experiences I get with certain other traumas that I've had in that I'm getting the various vivid memories and dreams and strange feelings etc but this is self inflicted and what I wanted at the time. Have I traumatised myself a little? Is it possible? I'm finding it very confusing.

[Tucan]

Suicidal experiences are traumatic. They leave a lasting impression with you. I get where you are coming from. I feel for you.

[Turtle]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. There's a lot going on emotionally (and physically) with serious sh/suicide attempts. I find the word trauma confusing because different people seem to use it differently - but suicide attempts (like near death experiences) are such a huge life event that it's certainly going to have an impact.

I have had similar experiences - I really struggle with blood tests (lots of panicking!) because it's a similar sensation to sh, sometimes I get memories of different things, sometimes they feel quite physical.

Talking with your CC sounds sensible. It sounds really difficult at the moment. Even if it's what you wanted at the time, it was really the illness wanting it (if that makes sense). It is a confusing thing to get your head around for sure! I hope your CC can give some advice for how to deal with those intense memories/feelings.

[Vermilion]

Thank you. 

I also find the word trauma a little confusing in the sense of worrying that I'm making things sound worse than they are. Irrespective of whether or not it's trauma in the clinical sense it's certainly going to have an impact, as you say it is a huge life event. Some of the symptoms are akin to what I experience due to other things which are certainly traumatic events so it's definitely affecting me.

I have spoken with CC and it was helpful to get that perspective, it'll be a while before I truly get my head around this stuff though. I also let someone from psychology to read it when I had the assessment for DBT work (starting in January!) because, as CC pointed out, they're more qualified to deal with that sort of thing.

I'm okay overall but there are still things that are bothering me a little and I'm hoping that I'm able to avoid another crisis by dealing with this now, though if it does happen they'll at least know a bit more about what's going on.

[Tucan]

Oh bless you. It is hard.

[Terri]

This is something I've never spoken to professionals about because I always have it in my head that it can't be trauma if I inflicted the things upon myself. I did broach the subject with my social worker this afternoon though, and she used the word 'trauma' even though I didn't call it that.

I don't really know what to say to make it better for you, but I absolutely think that these events that we have been through (regardless of who caused them) have been traumatic. If someone else had been through something that had nearly caused their death, not through their own hand, it would be almost epected that they would suffer some kind of emotional after effects. I think it's the same for us/others who have been through similar.

This stuff is tricky and I really think it's worth talking through with your DBT therapist.