Uncertainty with my future MH care.

[Vermilion]

It probably is possible to tweak things but it's so hard. I think that one of the issues I have is taking things too literally, a lot of the stuff is difficult for me to apply to myself y'know? It's hard to explain. I am hoping that the CC will have some understanding or at least understand that I'm not deliberately being difficult. Part of me is a bit scared because I've had really awful experiences with various MH staff but I need to remember that the dx is on my records and hopefully my lack of eye contact etc won't be misinterpreted.

I do hope that I'll be able to stop SH but even just reducing the severity would be good. I'm sick of hospitals and specialists, I have to see enough of them with my various medical issues and I really don't need to increase hospital visits with SH too.

I'll be seeing the new CC tomorrow so I do hope it goes okay.

[Tucan]

Fingers crossed for you.

[Vermilion]

Saw new CC, she seems ok. The problem is that I'm going to have phone consultations from now on until further notice which are far from ideal, my psychology assessment will probably be over the phone too. I'm worried about saying the wrong things or not saying things that I should have and end up not getting the treatment that I need, new CC has tried to reassure me that I won't miss out on support/treatment but it is worrying me a bit. I really do struggle with the phone. It's also not helping that various medical appointments have been cancelled and it's adding more worry because I don't know when I'll be able to get these things sorted, some of these issues can have an impact on my MH, even the appt with the b**n specialist is cancelled until further notice.

Still, at least my new CC seems nice and has got some understanding of autism so hopefully I won't get misunderstood/ accused of 'not engaging'/of being deliberately'difficult' etc. She's also aware that I struggle on the phone and will also let the psychologist know that I find it difficult. Some good has come out of meeting her but this virus malarkey has put everything in limbo and is stressing me out. I guess I can only do my best  .

[Tucan]

Good luck. All my appointments have now changed to telephone only. It scares me. Keep talking on here and try to talk on the phone to your cc.

[Vermilion]

The phone is so difficult isn't it? Usually if I get in a flap with profs I'll scribble notes down but I won't be able to do that on the phone. I'm glad that I'm getting some support though.
My anxiety is a struggle with everyone panic buying, I struggle with crowds but am struggling to get online deliveries. I'm worried that I might run out of things, as it is I keep having to change my order because things keep selling out. I went to get some veg for the rabbits and I nearly had a panic attack, luckily my brother was with me. Thing is my family are far away so I can't continuously ask for help. I don't mean to dramatise things but it's getting a bit stressful and MH support is very minimal while this is going on..

[Tucan]

Take care. O will always listen to you on here even if I don't have the words to form a proper response.

[bluebell.x]

I understand and really feel for you. My high school closes this week and it's where i get councilling from so im really scared what will happen to me. Also spending months in quarentine not seeing anyone isn't ideal either. I think the best thing to do is to continue to talk to people whether that's friends or family. There's also online counciling over text or phone call which could be useful if you dont want to go withut therapy.

[Vermilion]

Thank you.

So, I've spoken with the psychologist over the phone and as far as I can tell she seems nice. Of course there was a lot that I couldn't say over the phone but she's going to keep in contact with me until we can speak in person. It's weird because I have no idea what she even looks like because I've never met her, at least with my new CC I can put a face to the voice.
I'm going to have regular phone calls with CC but I know that I'm going to find it impossible to say if I'm struggling and need help. I cannot say the words.

[Tucan]

Bless you. Happy she sounds nice.

[Vermilion]

Yeah, me too. I've had some some absolutely sh** MH workers in the past so I'm always relieved when new workers are nice!

Spoken to CC this morning, I'm okay at the moment so it's was mostly just a catch up. I have been worried about getting some supplies in but there are organisations that can help if I get stuck because apparently I'm a vulnerable person because of my MH and medical issues. I find it difficult to accept that, I'm certainly not seriously unwell like others are nor am I elderly/wheelchair bound etc. If I get desperate I might use the ones that charge and leave the free services for those who really need them. 

I'm copying ok with lock down at the moment, in many ways the empty streets make it easier for me to get out and about because there's no one trying to chat to me all the time and there's less noise from traffic. In other ways it's harder because there are a few medical issues that I can't get sorted out and I'm worrying that this will continue for a long time. I'm keeping busy with decorating for now and I have the buns for company. Plus, I'm friends with the dog nextdoor and there are chickens and horses opposite me that I feed and I like watching the birds around the feeder. I feel like if people would stop panic buying this wouldn't be such a cluster f***.

CC and psychologist are sending me some info about help that I can get and some extra DBT stuff to work through if I struggle.

I just feel a bit...  at the moment but I'm 'safe' for now. I'm glad that I have this place to ramble away.