Quitting smoking now

[justine]

Thanks. I smoked 2 which is still better than the 10 or so a day so I call that a win. I agree that its not nicotine as such but its the associations. Certain things I do which I associate with smoking. I have boiled sweets which I use.

The hardest time is when I'm home alone as I usually don't have energy to do a lot (working full time) so I watch tv and smoke. Watching tv alone is not enough, I need something else.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, and the weekend, as I'm home alone all weekend.

[Terri]

Two instead of ten is a definite win. Really well done.

[justine]

Thanks

Not long been up and had a coffee in bed and want a fag now. Feel stronger against it than yesterday but might have one anyway. Seems like its an excuse to stay in bed. Or I could go play sims as a distraction. Just don't feel awake enough yet and would rather just have 1.

[Vermilion]

How did you get on this morning? I remember that first fag with my morning coffee was the hardest one to give up.

2is better than 10, it's good progress and you will get there. Maybe it'll be easier tomorrow when you can use your vaping stuff.

 

[justine]

Had 4 today in total. Avoided one before bed. Not ready to set the vape up yet.

[Terri]

Four is still better than ten. Well done, especially for avoiding one before bed.

[justine]

I've really gotta stop, I'm just putting crap in my body. Plus it makes me reflux worse and its gonna end up causing damage. I'd rather have good foods than smoke. I think I'm only doing it cos its an addiction. I should focus on eating well instead of smoking.

[justine]

So I avoided smoking this morning when I woke up. Decided on a plan for tidying and batch cooking today. Decided to get moving at 9am. Sat looking through my phone for 10 minutes and decided to make a TikTok video with the trending pride hashtag. All these videos of people celebrating pride with their partners. I made a video with pics of all the girls I've liked over time and the 2 partners I've had. It feels depressing to be single today. I mean I'm on dating sites and not sure if I'm having luck or not. Depends how you look at it. Met 2 girls in 2 months. First didn't work out due to her mental health issues. 2nd I just met Friday. If it does work out with her its gonna be slow. We're just talking at the moment. Her view is shes out to make friends and if she meets a gf along the way then all the better. Doesnt feel too hopeful to me.

So now I wanna do harm to myself because I'm depressed at being single. And smoking is harm to me. Its a safe way of hurting myself (I've not sself harmed in a long time, I just do self destructive things like smoking instead).

So I'm gonna smoke. Sit in my depression. Then get up and blast this house (do housework).

[justine]

I can see myself about to spiral down. This has happened loads of times but I've never spotted it this early before. I like someone. I start talking to them a lot. I start getting hopeful. That parts okay. Then I start to get obsessed (yay Autism, my obsessions can often be people...) and the spiral is that I start painting a mental picture of a future with them and it becomes an expectation. My emotions become reliant upon them. Happy when we're talking and things are going well. When we're not talking (they're busy) I obsessivly look at pictures, listen to songs on repeat. Generally obsess and get depressed. I do things in extremes in life, it's all or nothing. Which means I try to go at warp speed in relationships, which obviously causes unhappiness and is damaging to the relationship as I control it at first but then spiral and let my emotions get the better of me and message them too much and take my feelings out on them a little which is holding back hugely compared to how I feel. I don't know how to do things in moderation and feelings are hard to control but I don't help myself by allowing myself to do the obsessive things and my choice of music.

But as I say, I've never caught it this early before. It's hard because I want a relationship so badly that I'm at the point of frustration and almost desperation.

But because I've spotted it early I have a choice in what to do. Plus I'm also frustrated at myself and the desire to tidy this place and do the batch cook is strong.

Issue is, I have very very low self control. If I want something I can't stop myself giving in and doing it.

But I've still got a choice. So I'm going to get up (been awake and in bed for 2 hours) and do the housework. Think on what I've just said here and how some self control over this potential relationship and how I should act and not destroy the relationship.

Although I have low self control I'm also incredibly strong and capable of using that strength. The strength may be enough to overcome the lack of self control. Just got to keep my head in the right place.

Fag count today: 1

Getting up now.

[RichardL]

Hi Justine. Your self-awareness is absolutely brilliant and will enable you to get where you want to be (I hope this doesn't sound patronising).  :happy020: