Feel a bit silly

[Tina88]

Hi all, feels a bit strange being back after almost 10 years but I just needed somewhere to turn.

It's been nearly 6 years since I stopped SHing but I am finding myself back in that same dark place. I found it quite easy when I met my husband to stop everything. My reliance upon alcohol stopped when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest who is now nearly 4 and had a few struggles in between having her and falling pregnant with my now 18 month old. However I now find myself binge drinking when they go to bed and have also began to SH (although nothing significant) again. I have spoken to my husband about how I feel and he says he understands but I know he never will. I have always made it clear to my family that I could never ultimately say that I would never SH again but now I have I feel like I have let everyone down, including my children. Yet still all I wanna do is lock myself away and go back to my old coping mechanisms so that I can feel normal again.

I just don't know what to do when my husband realises that I have started SHing again. For now I can hide it and use excuses but I know that it will get worse. My kids are my world and would never ever put them in harms way or do anything to hurt them. But I know that people will automatically assume that they are at risk if I admit to my GP that this is how I feel and that I have started again. I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry to bother you all with my silly problems.

[Shinigami]

 
Firstly, you haven't let anyone down and its not silly. It's an incredibly complex network of emotions and (as you said) coping mechanisms.
Do you have any idea why you're feeling this way again?
You could maybe make an appointment with your GP and tell them you want to hget a handle on it before it becomes a problem?
If not then maybe think back and see if you can remember all the little things you did to get  back on track last time??
The only bit of advice I would give is to be as honest as you can with your husband.

I really do feel for you, I recently (sort of) relapsed after years SH free and came back on here for support.  But please believe me when I say you haven't let anyone down. It's just a little slip to test you but you're strength and love for your family will get you through.

Xx

[Tina88]

Thanks for the reply. I have spoken with my GP and started myself back on my meds a few months back. Have had a first consultation with the MH team but in their words because i am so 'in tune' with my mental health they feel that there is not much they can do.
I am very open with my husband but he has never seen me at my very lowest and I am getting worse daily.
It all really kicked off again after a few car problems whilst i was driving and it kicked off my anxiety. Can now only drive around 4-5 miles before I begin to panic  Plus alot of illnesses within the family of which I am trying to be everyones shoulder. Just kinda hating myself for feeling the way I do but hating the fact i cant just shut myself away deal with it the only way i know how.
Sorry again just really struggling atm. So glad this site is still around for me to talk openly.

[Shinigami]

Sounds you've had a lot of stuff piling up  leaving yourself with a lot to cope with...
Are there any charities in your area, or are you able to go private for counselling or something?? Sorry, I haven't really got many good ideas at the moment, but I'm listening!!

A little random, but by any chance (as you said you're back), was your old username basically the same as this one you're using??

Xx

[Shinigami]

Don't feel you have to answer that if you don't want to BTW, just seems familiar.
Xx

[Tina88]

No local charities that I know of. I have tried to be the strong one in the family but unfortunately Im left to deal with everything alone.
I appreciate having someone to listen as I literally have noone atm that I can speak truthfully too. ' Im ok' is all i can say as its all people are willing to hear if im honest.
Im not sure what my name used to be. Think it may have been similar but its been almost 10 years so I honestly cant remember. May have been TT88 or something along those lines.

[Shinigami]

I know that feeling. "I'm fine" is normally my one, but with the stern face that says "leave me alone" =P except on here!!

It's reassuring to know that this site is still here and hasn't changed much  I was on here 10 years ago too =] nearly drove myself crazy trying to think of my old user 

Its a shame there aren't any charities. There aren't any in my area for MH either.

If you were to draw up all of your pressures and worries, do you think you would be able to take even just one responsibility off of your shoulders? Even if it seems a silly and tiny one, it might help reassure you that you can change things and stay in control??

Xx

[Tina88]

This week I have tried saying no and letting my mum for example do things for herself. Im always running round and putting my plans on hold so that I can do things that she is more than capable of doing herself. I'm proud of myself for sticking to it but all it has resulted in is her not speaking to me. Only the odd call to ask me to do something and when ive refused shes cut the call short.
This really hasnt helped me at all and if anything I think id rather of had the hassle and accusations of being reliant upon her rather than feeling isolated.
Thanks again for listening.

[Shinigami]

That's not very fair of her to treat you like that though, whatever your mental state.
Tbh, even I would be proud of you because mothers aren't easy to say no to!!
Do you mind me asking if she is aware of how you're feeling at the moment? Or has been in the past?

Xx

[Tina88]

My mother is the worst to say no to! She even works it so that you end up offering to do it without her asking in the first place. Shes like a ventriloquist (excuse the spelling) and im her puppet.
She knows im bad and in all fairness to her i put her through alot when I was younger. She even had to take me hospital a number of times due to my self harming. I think she knows how bad I am but is choosing to ignore it, only brings it up when she can guilt trip me because of how much I put her through.
I am very open about my history of mental health. Its quite hard to miss in all honesty, and havent covered it up since I stopped.