Hello NSHNers. Keeping well?
It has occurred to me on this fine Saturday night (with a wee glass of wine
) that I have not posted in forever, so here's an update. Please forgive me if it's long and boring. It's going in the 'Survivor' room as I think that's what kind of story it is.
Important points first: I cannot remember the last time I had to take my meds. I cannot remember the last time I harmed. I cannot remember the last time I wanted to die.
I mean, I know roughly, but not exactly. That's an amazing thought, because I used to remember. To the minute.
People who were around a few years ago may remember me when I was at my lowest, and to be honest, I now think the posts* I made back then were the very tip of the iceberg. I couldn't even articulate - even to complete strangers on an internet forum - exactly how bad things were. I had countless hours in the company of doctors, none which seemed to be helping a great deal. I felt completely alone, utterly hopeless and could see no point in carrying on. It was the most horrible thing I've experienced in my life to date.
I know most people on here will relate to that, and some may still feel that way.
But over the last four years the cloud has lifted. Very slowly, imperceptibly so for a great deal of time, I felt a change happen. I'm not sure I can put my finger on the catalyst, but the results speak for themselves.
Four years ago I almost turned down a new job. I was terrified that I would fail. That I would be useless and be found out almost instantly. I had session after session with my doc talking it over. Me trying to find any reason I could not to take it, doc talking logically through the pros and cons. Ultimately I didn't have a robust enough argument, so agreed to try. It was the best move I made. It took me a while, a few months anyway, to realise that I wasn't being found out and that I wasn't being found out because I was
good at the job. Even though my self-confidence was still perilously low, I had to accept that of all the terrible things I thought would come to pass on the back of me having the audacity to take a chance, not one had happened. In fact, I had a new job and some new friends, and ultimately met someone really special.
If you had asked me before I got together with Jen if I wanted a relationship, I would have said absolutely not. I couldn't imagine how I would begin to barely hold myself together whilst having to consider someone else's feelings. Never mind explaining to them who I really was under all the masks. How do I explain that sometimes I just want to die? That sometimes I think the only way I can really feel anything is to take a tool to my arm? How do I stop someone running and telling everyone what a psychopath I am and how lucky they were to find out before anything happened? It could only end in disaster.
But you know what? It wasn't like that at all.
It all started very sedately. Coffees at work, then a coffee at the weekend, gradually becoming 'dating'. This is the point I had to throw in my lot. I told her, and told her pretty much everything. I honestly can't work out how I built up the courage to do that. I get a little scared now thinking about it!
She listened as I rambled. Then she stayed. She didn't flee to the darkest corner of the globe like I expected. She didn't tell me that 'everything would be ok in the end' either, didn't tell me to 'get over it', 'grow up' or any other variation of things I'd heard before. She just stayed. And it felt really, really good. Amazingly good.
Over the next year my confidence grew and grew. So much so that I actually moved job again. TO A DIFFERENT CITY. Away from friends, away from family away from my girlfriend? For a job? That would have been unthinkable before. Signs of progress.
That was 18 months ago and I'm still here. I now live on my own. I'm hours away from my mum and dad. But I'm ok.
Don't get me wrong, the first 6 months here were hard. Really damn hard. Splitting up with my girlfriend - long distance was not for us - and acclimatising to a new working environment which can be hostile at times were particular challenges. But then I realise that things have happened since I moved that would have floored me - and maybe more - had they happened before. I remember the situation I find myself in now is a direct result of small, incremental improvements that have taken place over the course of years not weeks.
My next chapter is about to begin. I'm starting an Open Uni course, there is the potential of a new partner on the cards, and I am making plans to move again next summer. TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY! All terrifying in there own ways. All things I would never have considered four years ago.
How times change.
Without sounding to preachy ( I hope...), Some things I try and remember:
- Even if you're s**t scared, taking a calculated risk every now and then is good. You never know where it might take you.
- It's sometimes scary to open up and share your deepest self with another person. This is understandable, and completely OK.
- Sometimes relationships, whether friends or romances, don't last.
This is OK too.
- There is a hell of a difference between being 'alone' and being 'lonely'
- Neither the person you were, nor the person you are now, can fully dictate the person you will become.
[/essay]
*the posts I made at that point, and the conversations I had with some of the
nicest people in the World on this forum played no small part in all of the above. I'm going to try my hardest, in amongst work and study etc, to sign on and have a chat with the people who are active now.
The forum is
really important and I cannot express enough how thankful I am I found it.
Cheers
Craig
