sticky past.

[Anne_Gwish]

Hey guys,

I just need to express myself in a safe place and I know I feel safe to do so here, I don't need a reply but feel free to do so if you feel like it

I don't remember when I last sh'd, it must have been 4 or 5 years ago. Last week, my brother noticed my scars on my arms which I had done so well hiding, I guess it had to happen one day... I just escaped and said something like "it was a long time ago". I haven't seen him since and won't for a while (we're almost never in the same country) and I don't know what he will think of me now.

Even if I haven't sh'd in a long time, I still feel the shame and the need to hide my scars at all costs from my family because I still have the fear of disappointing them. And even if I haven't had urges in years I still have these nights sometimes when I feel like... I don't even know how but there's this half desire to sh but it's so distant that I know it won't happen.

I guess even when you haven't harmed in years, your past still sticks to you and you never seem to be able to get rid of you. No matter how good my life can be, it always seems to catch up with me, like it's running after me, then it hits me and I feel terrible for a short while and then I'm back to "normal". It's a vicious cycle.

I know I should go back to my shrink but I can't bring myself to do so...

Sorry for the rant, I'm just having a bad night.

[Hash]

What would be so bad if you were open with your family about your self harming. I could not imagine how I would cope if I had to hide my scars from my family. They are part of u and in that way should be embraced.

I think it a good idea to touch base with the professionals who have helped you in the past.

Another thing you could think of is surgery on your affected areas to get rid of the scarring.

Hash

[Anne_Gwish]

I agree it's part of me, of who I am, it will always be present but I am so afraid of disappointing them, I wouldn't want them to think less of me. I do know this is irrational, I am lucky enough to have a loving supportive family but I can't help it.
Bizarrely enough I have no trouble being open about it with new people I meet (when I feel a certain degree of comfort and friendship with them).

As for surgery my mum hinted to me a while back that if I ever wanted to get rid of the scars (so out of the blue as we never talked about my sh) she would support me. But I don't want that, surgery freaks me out and the scars are a part of me.

[Hash]

I don't think they will be disappointed in you at all if they are a supportive family. Go for it and be vulnerable with them and if they love you they will stick by you.

Hash

[Anne_Gwish]

Hash, it's not the desire I lack, it's the courage. And the fear is too abundant... I don't want to hurt them either. But thank you for taking the time to reply to me

lea, thank you I hope you're okay your reply means much to me.