Hi! I have re-found this website which I had almost forgotten I used on a daily basis several years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was trapped in an almost daily cycle of self harm. At the time I felt I was becoming obsessive over being on here and that ultimately it wasn't helping me resist the urge to hurt myself so I stopped logging in.
A few years later (I'm not even totally sure when), I stopped self harming. I think it's probably been about 2 years since I last cut. Of course I still have some scars which I'm guessing will never go but I don't think they're too obvious, although no one has seen them so I can't be sure how conspicuous they actually are!
You're probably wondering why I'm posting now if I'm completely free of self harm but this post has a point to it I promise! Just stick with me I appreciate it!
Something huge happened last year that has totally messed me up (which I think is a natural reaction!) I had loads of different and very strong feelings about the situation and so as a responsible adult I thought it would be sensible to go and see my GP and ask for some counselling, which he agreed to immediately. I waited 3 months for an appointment, during which things reached a peak and I began to come to terms with what had happened but not how I felt about it all. It turned out I was getting CBT instead of counselling which seemed like a great idea to me.
I've since had 2 therapy sessions which I felt went well but I've been holding back a bit in that I haven't told my therapist about my thoughts of self harming. Although in myself I feel ok (a bit stressed due to work but not really had time to think about what happened or how I feel about it), I keep getting thoughts or images of hurting myself. They're only flashes and are at the moment quite easy to resist but I am a bit scared that they're back after so long. I haven't given in and would like to keep it that way and the sensible side of me thinks that's something I should discuss at my next session.
BUT the other part of me doesn't want to get into discussing self harm with my therapist as that's a whole different issue to the reason I am there. I think I'm worried that things will escalate from calmly discussing it with her to it going in my doctors notes (I never told my doctor or any professional about my self harm), possibly to my workplace (I work in a school) and generally 'our there' and not secret or private anymore.
I don't know what to do. I guess that's what brought me here. Does anyone have any similar experiences?
Thanks for reading a long and rambling post!