Sorry, I didn't explain that well cos I was on mobile and in a rush. he was asking about weight etc in a caring way, he knows that *technically* I was underweight, was restricting, had done for a long time, he wants me to gain and told me I look much better and more like the mirrhi from years ago. I know I put the triger *ED* on posts etc but still really struggle to accept that I migth actually have an ED despite it being over 2 years since GP gave diagnosis, referrals to ED teams, support groups etc etc etc. I'm still sure though that it's just me being stupid, being pathetic, that I don't deserve the diagnosis, I'm just a fraud.
I *knew* I'd increased in weight, I knew I would when I moved in with him cos he won't let me skip meals etc. I knew I would eat for him. That felt more justifiable than eating for me. I'm fully aware of how much my weight has increased by, to the gram, but have tried really really hard to ignore it, pretend it's not there, and I've mostly done ok witht hat. I hate it when I tink about it, hate it so so so much, feel ashamed and guilty and angry and pathetic and so so soweak. So angry angry angry at me
But when I spoke to him I wasn't angry. I just cried. Cried and crried and cried, no matter how much I wiped the shameful tears away they just ran and ran. I didn't expect that.
Fella just sat and held my hand, said all positive things, hugged me.
I'm homw alone tonight. He asked me to promise I would eat and despite all te horrible, wriggly, shameful feelings about that I agreed. Now I'm here, alone and I can't face it, it's too wrong. I know he'll ask, and I'll find it too hard to lie to him, but right now that seems the lesser evil :blushing:
