Mentalisms. The raging war. *poss trigs*

[catapult]

Just on for a vent. Ive had a good day, im okay. Just having a cry at what im leaving behind, all the bad stuff, im leaving behind, its quite overwhelming. Im sad in a hopeful way. Its really been a crazy year. This time 12 months ago i was in a mental and emotional wasteground. After spending most of this day last year in a&e getting stitched up, and sobering up. Sad times. Times i hope to leave in the past for good.

This year has really been a hell of a journey for me. There isnt time left in this year for me to tell the story. But thats what it is, a story. A story of me. Of places ive been, and things ive done. Obviously i wish the bad things hadnt happened, but one things for sure, having experienced that place, i sure as hell know i never want to go back there, so maybe thats something. If i can stop myself from going there again, i will. I know itll be hard, at times damn near impossible, but i have to remember all those bad things, i have to remember how it felt, i have to remember, that i dont have to do that to myself.

I must learn to stay strong. Learn how to take those desolate moments and turn them around, into fuel, motivation, a painful but valuable reminder of how far ive come. I hope it brings me compassion, understanding, and patience. I hope i become a tolerable person, yet not stupid. Ill never stand for things ive taken in the past. Im at a point now where its my life. This is MY life now. I dont live for anyone else. I live for me.

I never thought id say that. An for the first time in about 2 years, i can say im happier with my life now on my own, than i think i ever was when i was married. All this learning, about me, everyday, has brought me some kind of peace within myself. I spent so long wrapped up in everone else, i forgot all about me.

Im sad tonight, but im not down. The passing of time can be a great healer, but also a great heartbreaker. Some wounds never heal, but instead of 'getting over' the pain, ive learnt to live WITH it. As a part of me, which i think is only right, and fair.

I am what i am, and im okay with that. Heres hoping you all find some peace in 2012. If i can do it, you can too. x

[Lily Kym]

 

[Broken Wings]

Hey hun,good to hear your still around still giving us words of wisdom,i too hope that 2012 will be a good year for you,as you've said you have come a long way in a year to be able to feel comfortable in your own skin to live life for you and not anyone else is such an achievement,i hope life countiues to go well hugs and love hun. xxxx

[catapult]

Thanks guys, i feel blessed to have such great support & understanding on here. This place has been invaluable to me, and i hope to be able to continue to use it as an outlet for my daily mentalisms.

I really care about all you guys, geuninley. I feel your worries, i share the struggle, i know those places, that we all at times find ourselves in.

What a way that we survive. But survive we do  Coz there really is life out there.

Loves x

[catapult]

  I wonder why i bother!!!!!!!!!!

From yesterday to now, nothing bad has happened. I went to my sisters this morning, saw the little ones, had something to eat, an came back home. Good news with B, his fat foots much better, an he sayd he misses me an is looking forward to seeing me. An im crashing! Im so frustrated! The mood swings are horrific. Im telling myself its the bpd but is it? Or am i just completley crackers?

Im not sure i quite believe B anymore. I know that its common for bpd sufferers to value/devalue someone quite fast. Which i do with him, or used to, alot. Hed be everything to me, then id hate him & the whole idea of him. Hes not a bad guy, but this situation sucks, but anyhoo. Im not sure whats going on with me inside when it comes to him. Im starting to feel a little cold, and sceptical of the things he says. I dont feel the chemistry i used to when im with him. Maybe im just self protecting, which would be a good thing, but im not sure. What i DO know, is that this confusion about what it is im feeling is common with bpd. I cant narrow down the exact emotion. Its everything all at once, but none stronger than the other. Which is extremely confusing and frustrating and makes me liable to my crocodile impression an start snapping at people.

But maybe i just answered my own question. Its B. Not that hes doing anything wrong, but him saying i miss you, and cant wait to see you, im taking as a patronising insult. As i dont quite believe him. I dont need to hear lies. An im not interested in pipe dreams. Think ill leave this here an spend some more time thinking this thru. I sense my inner b**** wanting to come out an play an this isnt the right place for that.

God help me.

[Broken Wings]

Stay strong hun hugs xxxx

[catapult]

Was looking to start a thread in the drugs section about my coming off my meds, but its read only? Cant seem to start a new topic in there. Anyway, since January, ive been on Mirtazapine. Have been on every ad going at some point or other, cant remember why they got changed from one to another now, or why i went back on them after a year off ages an ages ago, but Mirtazapine is my current ad. Started on 30mg in Jan 2011, briefly went upto 45mg, then back down to 30mg. After roughly 3 months of hell with various other ones ontop of this one, i no longer take anything else other than this.

After doing MUCH research, and of course speaking to my gp, ive finally realised my carb/sugar cravings are not one of my many addictions, but a side effect of this drug. I literally, eat nothing but carbs. I crash if i dont eat them, and i suffer night binging on any form of carb i have in the house for a fix. Due to this, ive put weight on i cant lose. An i really cant take anymore of the highs and lows the craving and fixing are putting me thru.

A week ago i dropped down to 15mg. Side effects, some lucid dreams, but nothing overly disturbing, one night of sweats, one or two brain zaps in the mornings, but nothing that a strong coffee didnt fix. After suffering an ENORMOUS crash in my mood today, after indulging an a massive carb fest, ive truly had enough. Enough of my mood being determined by drug induced eating habits.

So from tonight, im going cold turkey. The only other time, in a long time, that ive been without any sort of ad medication was a 3 day period in Jan 2011, before going on the Mirt, when i was sectioned following an od and wasnt given anything other than something to stop the shakes due to alcohol withdrawal.

So, tonight is night 1. I dont want to be on the Mirtazepine anymore. Im going to aim for natural alternatives to getting my serotonin levels up. Excercise, a healthy diet, and herbal remedies. If i start to feel too ill, or if someone else notices me dropping and i dont, i shall go back to my gp.

Wish me luck.

[catapult]

Okay, ill try explain this without it sounding too.....senseless. I used to take my med around 9ish, and id be falling asleep between 10 an 11. As i didnt take it last night, around 10ish i started to go up on abit of a manic high. By midnight i had flashes in my vision and nystagmus. By one (i was texting B) i was apparently making no sense at all. I do rememeber being convinced my demon was in the room with me, an i couldnt take my earphones out incase it spoke to me. I really didnt want to have to make the decision wether to answer it or not if it did. My thoughts were jumping randomly all over the place, i was nauseous, hot and cold, and having all sorts of overly imaginitive ideas. Brain zaps, and my eyes wouldnt stay still.

I caved at 2 and took a quater of a tablet, 7.5mg. This seemed to slow it all down, and i think i got to sleep around 3am. Then awake again at 6.30, i stayed in bed an got up at 9 for coffee.

I dont quite know how i feel. I know B said i wasnt making sense, but to me, i was. I remember telling him you can see it, but only if youre not looking. The things i was saying still sort of make sense to me, but i know they wouldnt to anyone else, and thats unnerving. I feel disturbed.

Im going to try and get to the gym today, thats the plan anyway. I need to mull this over.

[catapult]

So B text me as i was getting ready to go gym it, hes begging me to stop tapering. I feel a stubborn groove coming on. Had a fantastic workout, a brilliant run, have had a bath & am making a healthy dinner. I feel ok. Few brain zaps and the night is lingering over me like a shadow. But i feel okay. Im sensing B panicked more last night than hes letting on, im seeing him 2moro an he wants to talk about it then so i think hes holding off for now. I feel bad that hes worried, but hes not the one stuck in this mad cycle of craziness im trying to get out of, but the support hes giving me is invaluable, and i dont know what id do without him. Im thankful.

Gonna eat my dinner now, and watch some tv. Still iding this out. Bit worried about the night coming round again, but ill think about that later.

ttfn.

[Broken Wings]

Hope your ok hun hugs xx