What a way to survive *everything just incase

[catapult]

Something just dawned on me. Ive spent so long hating my ex, and my divorce, and all the crap that goes along with it, its been beyond my understanding why anyone i know, especially my family, would want to talk to him. Maybe im going about this all wrong. Trying to cut him out of my life, completley, and everything he represents, hasnt worked. He constantly comes back into my life in some way shape or form like a bad penny. An i think i just realised that its always going to be that way. I cant erase 10 years of my life can i? Now im not saying im going to embrace any contact, im still extremely bitter about the whole thing, maybe that will never change. But if ignoring him and refusing to aknowledge him or anything he does, hasnt worked, ill have to try something else wont i.

Still havnt had a reply from any of my family. Maybe itll take days, or maybe i wont hear from them at all. I dont know. I just hope its not awful if i do.

Shutting up now. Brain in overload.

Am hoping tomorrows going to be a better day.

[catapult]

Face on the floor. I could sweep stuff up with this pet lip. Im a propa sulk today. Have been to they gym, cycling running and swimming, then i steamed myself then dry roasted. Still no happy hormones. So instead of getting a gym buzz, im just knackered an smell like chlorine. Attractive.

Im wondering wether im torturing myself with opening my world to potential hurt and pain. Via family. Do i stay closed off forever and let the gossip riegn? Or do i stick my size 8's in an start to stand my ground? I dont think its wrong that i care what people say about me, especially if it wrong. It makes me sad, and i dont always see a point in correcting mindless chit chat that is born of fiction. Lord, if i actually WAS that person they say i am i think somebody would have shot me by now, for the good of mankind. Truth is ive admitted my mistakes, taken resposibility for my actions, and that seems to upset people? They think it makes me self important, a drama queen. I think i might be ready to stand up for myself. I think ive been punished enough now.

Somethings changed. I still dont know where my life is going, i certainly dont know what it holds for me or what im doing with it. But im doing it. An i think that in doing, it, that i have to stop hiding from what i know is going to hurt. Im going to have to let it hurt, and ride it out till it stops hurting. Without being cruel to myself and doing it on purpose. If that makes ANY sense at all!!!

I think its time to stop running. Face life and all its glorious trauma. Let not me be abused, or abuse myself. No more. Do it right, or dont do it at all. I hope this heartache lessens, its not fun. Think thats all for now. YAWN.

[BrownBear]

I am not sure if you were after some input or not, but I think it is a good idea trying to recontact your family but you must, must, must not take it to heart if they are still not interested in having contact with you. It takes a very long time for people to change especially if they don't see why they must change and from what I gather because they feel like they can blame you for everything they may be reluctant to respond to your olive branch.

I know it must be difficult to do but you must go in with the "their loss" mindset.  If they want contact with you again then brilliant but if they don't it really is their loss, you certainly should not let it knock you back mentally.

People will always talk, that is just the nature of the creatures we are. Unfortunately you cannot guarantee that we will always say nice things about each other!  Again I know it is difficult,  but try to ignore what is said about you on places like Facebook. It is a breeding ground for hurtful comments from bitter people,  but they are just words.

I have said it before but I am still convinced that you need to carry out distancing yourself from your ex, the relationship and all of the associated baggage . You've still got plenty of life to live,  don't live the rest of it in the shadow of a dodgy relationship.

All the best.

[catapult]

Thanks Brownbear, i agree with everything you said. That relationship and everything that goes along with it ruins me. An im feeling it.

I felt okay this morning, pepped up to go climbing an try and persevere with the new climbing shoes which are crippling painful. Anyway, as i was leaving there was one of those red cards from the postie in my letterbox, i didnt hear him knock, its a recorded delivery packet an the only thing i think it can be is my decree absolute (final decree of divorce). The financial side of things will be going on for a long long time yet but this makes me legally divorced in name. I cant get it from the PO till Monday now so i cant be certain, but there isnt anything else it could be. So that started me spinning. My mood dropped considerably and its just been drop drop droping all day.

Climbing was absolute crap, didnt get anything done, an im worried ive wasted loaned money on shoes that will never break in. My gas bill came in, and the units have since shot up since i gave them a read so now im scared to put the heating on as i cant afford the bill in the first place.  Christmas coming is literally killing me. Everyones talking about buying, and gifts and what theyre doing and where theyre going and its makes me physically ill. Im literally SCRAPING BY, counting pennies to buy bread so i can eat. It didnt help that the guy i was climbing with today (ex boyfreind, yes, i have already managed to fit in a full start, middle and end of a relationship after leaving my husband) was blah blah blahing about xmas and what hes spent on whom an that hes wangled himself into the climbing club an theyre all off on a climbing trip 2moro an it only cost him yada yada yada, he only started GOING there to f*****g follow me. I cant stand the guy he boils my p**. Rubbing his money in my face when he KNOWS im flat broke. And! Asking completley inapropriate questions about things like my meds? I mean, wtf?

SO! I feel, utterly AWFUL. Anxiety is thru the gaddam roof, panic rising and simmering with every breath i take. This is it. This is the 30 days of hell. Xmas, then new year, then my 30th birthday. All together.

Oh, and i upset the noob  I sent a really shitty text to them earlier and for no apparent reason. Theyre now mad at me  Im such a dickhead sometimes.

Moan over. I wish, i wish life was easier.

[catapult]

I managed to sort things out with the noob last night. They were really supportive and accepted my apoligy. Which was great. When everything else was whittled away its family and christmas thats getting me down. Which in turn makes mostly minor things seem too difficult to deal with.

Am heavily depressed today. Have been doing housework as a distraction from the the things in my life that are an immediate worry. I spend 20 minutes sitting on my bathroom floor tending to my chilli plant. I asked it nicely to make it thru winter, and cleaned its leaves, ive been neglecting it, and i know how that feels, so i thought id try make it feel a little better.

I think am gonna cut some more of my hair off. I assume this is still classed as sh, but it makes me feel better. Which reminds me, my next councelling session, the holy one wants us to 'go thru' why i periodically randomly cut bits of my hair off. Todays hair abuse is  more of a controlled tidy up from my last hair tantrum. Im still distracting arnt i? Had ideas last night to get a dog, and quit my job, but again, just distractions.

What am i distracting from? Apart from the obvious, depression, im completley flat broke. Which is really really depressing, expecially at this time of year. Im fast running out of food. My lec ran out this morning so im on emergency, ive got 3 days to get thru b4 i get paid again, and i havnt a penny to my name. So when i do get paid, its all accounted for anyway. Being broke really gets me down. Tho i guess itll help me lose a few lbs.

So, i shall leave and let the hair abuse commence, before i find more crap stuff to talk crap about. Am really down  Wish it would all just be okay.

[catapult]

I flushed all my (secretly stocked) PRN weeks ago. Ive got 1, temazepam. I should have taken it earlier. Ive managed to shave most of my hair off. I despise the way i look, i pick fault with every part of me. Now i have a buzz cut and almost look as hideous on the outside as i feel on the inside.

I go into a fugelike state when i do that. Before i know it hours have passed, an i only realise as my back is stiff and sore from being sat on the floor hunkered over a small mirror for so long. So, im a natural blonde. Which is now evident on the back and sides of my head,but with black hair  on top, which is the last hair dye i used. Im now safe in the knowledge shaving my head was a bad idea. It just went too far, started as a tidy up, a snip here, a snip there, then out come the clippers.    Have really done it this time.

Maybe im not any better. Maybe im still in the same pit ive always been in. My distress is still blatantly physically obvious thanks to todays antics. So no bloods been shed, and yeah i know hair grows back so maybe its less harmful, but it still leaves me in a desolate wasteground after ive done it.

I dont think im surviving well anymore, so this can be locked now. Thanks. lock please