Why do I feel ok today?

[bernie]

Why do I feel ok today? Well it is only 11 am. Took more propranolol last night as could not sleep thought it might help. After interview nerves. I get them before and after! Other than feeling hot, and have electricity pylons running through my head I felt ok. Didn't sleep though. Don't know whether it is the meds kicking in or just my imagination. Have not had a drink for 4 nights. Usu can only do that in a month. Had overdone the drinking before that though i.e shared 3 bottles of wine so was overdoing it. I feel I want to stop as opposed to thinking I should stop or feeling guilty about drinking. It feels weird to feel normal. I don't know whether this is an illusion and I am kidding myself. Usu not good mentally over weekends as I can't see my counsellor or ring anyone I know if get bad. I know there is crisis but I always feel guilty. i felt guilty when my other works counsellor from RF said I shouldn't be ringing/emailing her re my mental problems as it puts her in a compromising position. I am seeing her Weds, don't know whether to call it a day with her. I am no longer working. Don't know how she can help me now. Seeing CMHT counsellor on Monday. Will have to go thru my last 'crisis' on Weds with her. Still waiting for cbt. Don't know whether I should give it all up.  ha my son plays the violin when he is not on the Xbox!

[brownie]

I think i know what you mean - if i feel well or ok i sometimes start questioning why and almost looking for reasons to not be ok, its slightly self destructive.

Its tuesday since i had a drink and i'm trying to stay away from it too.

[bernie]

Well that was short lived. Didn't feel quite so good this aft. under the blanket all afternoon. bad thoughts pervading. found out that the VIP invite I had to the Museum next week was for the Queen and Prince Philip, oh well never mind I'm sure they won't miss me being miserable at the procedings. Was going to go but with all this have I got a job business next week and thinking I'd be too scared to go to any VIP do I didn't bother filling it in.

[bernie]

Sorry B was typing at the same time. Husb found out the work he had been doing all week was wrong last night. As he gets paid by results it is baked beans next week. He wanted me to get a bottle of wine in tonight but I refused. I can't refuse it if it's in the house! Let's see how we cope together is it staying on the Wagon?

[brownie]

Staying on the wagon is hard, i'm not a full scale alcoholic or anything though - i don't drink 2 bottles of vodka a day !, just beer. I do find it helps me relax.

I find this time of night hardest, with the whole evening/night ahead of me. Its easy to start drinking and listening to music to escape and relax.

Sorry you don't feel so good now, its good you have hubby and kids to support you.

[bernie]

My drinking was getting silly. I was having a bottle of wine a night, every night. Last week we both went through 3 bottles in a night. It is difficult know cos he works shifts and doesn't get in till 11. So he goes mad on Fri and weekend. I try not to tell my husb anythink . All this stuff is private to me. He knows I go on here doesn't like it and thinks it's wrong. He knows I go for counselling/Psych etc but i don't tell him anything about it. He doesn't know how bad I have got. Or the extremes I  may go to. He thinks it is all 'play acting' . I did suffer when I had trouble at work and he was ok with it then because he thought it looked good and they would let me go back to work. But now I am sacked he thinks I should give it all up as it doesn't look good. And I'm just playing at being mentally ill. I only wish I was. Unless I am delusional and maybe I am.

[brownie]

I honestly think if i wasn't so square and knew a drug dealer i'd be on drugs ! - its probably good i don't know one. I've given in tonight and had some drinks, just finding things a bit hard today.

I don't really tell my loved ones about my illness, if it was physical like cancer and there was no stigma we'd tell them all about it but mental health has this stigma, even with loved ones, they don't want to know. To think we are play acting or something is just wrong, so wrong.

[bernie]

I feel the same. I say to my counsellor if I had a broken leg people would understand but having a 'broken head' if different. People can't see it. You want them to see it that's why you s/h to show others.

[bernie]

just been in the conservatory reading the Telegraph with the mad parrot Lily (umbrella cockatoo). She is mad because one minute she is all cuddly and nice with you and then the next minute she forgets who you are and you could have your eye poked out or chunk taken out of your cheek. She maybe bi-polar ! Have not done either thing for quite a long time. Have forgiven him. He probably was right I was being stupid. He has just made home made pizza dough in the machine for home made pizzas for tea as Morrison's looked ugh. Only thing is what do you have with pizza....Wine. Have not had any for about 4 days which is a record for me. Said I will share 1 bottle not 3. Will have to see how it pans out. Bit worried about seeing both my counsellors next week after last weeks 'crisis'!