advice please?

[confused_anxious]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted some advice really... Feeling very alone and don't have anyone else to talk to...

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a guy i met at uni. We're engaged and have been together for three years now. It has only been long distance for about 6 months but I'm really struggling with it. For him to be able to move here (which was something we mutally agreed way before we moved away from uni) he needs to be able to get a job. But I feel like he's not trying. He spends all day playing xbox games and watching daytime telly. He does enough looking for a job to get job seekers allowance, but I feel like thats the only reason he does it. Its been months and months and he hasn't heard back from anywhere at all. I know it's really hard at the moment, and I was lucky because I found a job quickly, but I worked f**king hard to get where I am and I feel like he isn't pulling his weight. Every suggestion I make to try to help him find a job he just brushes off as though it was stupid. I've really really tried to help him, but he won't do anything. Obviously I wouldn't mind at all if I felt like he was really trying, I'd be proud of him for trying.

He moans to me every single week about his jobseekers meeting and about how rude they have been to him, and have accused him of being lazy - but from what I can see he is! I mean he only needs to go to jobseekers for like 15 minutes a week and he moans about that. How much would he moan about having a real job??? He also says that if he were to do volunteer work for a day a week or something then he wouldnt get his allowance - does any one know if thats true?

I've seriously had the year from hell, and I think I've actually dealt with it pretty well (considering my past...) but I just dont feel like hes there for me anymore. He left me in tears in the middle of london on my own last week, and seemed genuinely annoyed at me for being upset. I was ill all weekend and he seemed genuinely angered by this at one point. He yelled at me saying that I was making him feel unloved and that he was trying his hardest to make me have a good weekend. But I couldnt help being ill. Ive been off work most of this week throwing up but he didn't seem to care it was still my fault.  When we first got together he was REALLY supportive, but now if im upset it seems to annoy him as though  im doing it just to spite him or something.

When he gets upset about something, he wont tell me whats wrong and then accuses me of being unsupportive. I just cant seem to do anything right, i really dont know what he wants from me anymore.

I've got to the stage where I get panicy about talking to him on the phone or on the internet. I just dont know what I want anymore. I love him, but I just wish hed grow up and value me more highly than his stupid xbox. We dont talk anymore - he makes animal noises at me and wants me to respond with another... its just childish. I try to have serious, adult conversations but he changes the subject to something stupid. I just dont know what to do anymore...

Any advice would be apprieciated please? Thanks everyone xxx

[hayley]

Leaving the lack of job to one side for a moment and concentrate pn his attitude to you.  He seems to be resentful of you probably because you're achieving and he's not.  The other things like leaving you in London, getting angry whenyour upset and not being very supportive does not paint him out to be a nice guy.  Perhaps he's acting like this because he can't control you?

The jjobless thing  - did he at first really try for jobs?  Apathy and low self esteem may have changed him into what's the point?

Another thing - could he be depressed?  Its not always obvious in everyone.  This wanting to stay on the xbox cpould be a way of not having to deal with friends, life etc.

Whatever the reason is - he aint making you happy.  So maybe you need to do pros and cons lists to discover whether or not its worth you carrying on with him or throw in the towel

[confused_anxious]

Thanks for ur reply Hayley.

No, he never tried. He scraped through uni without even finishing all the work - he just did enough to pass. He's been doing the bare minimum to get his jobseekers for the last 4-5 months without ever really seeming that bothered about having a job. It makes me feel like he doesnt want to ever move here and actually have a future together.

He's being treated for depression, but he seems to be trying to take the easy way out with that too. He keeps wanting better drugs as a magic fix, but he wont try counselling or any other kind of therapy - he just wants to get as many drugs as he can and gets stroppy if they wont give him what he wants. He wont talk to me or any of his friends about whats wrong, he wont let the dr help - theres nothing more i can do on that front unless he lets me. He drinks away his problems , he has a major drink problem! But he wont accept that he has a problem with and won't make any effort to cut down, despite begging from me. But when i self harmed just once earlier in the year becasue of everything that was happening to me he went absolutely mental. I feel like he has double standards. He goes on and on about how I'm not supportive of him, but hes not supportive back. And he guilt trips me ALL the time. He leaves me feeling that everything is my fault and that ill never ever be good enough for him.