After three years free of harm, I still feel the same

[Theres always light]

I just keep thinking three years, three years I haven't harmed and yet I have this feeling where my chest is so heavy and I'm so tired and so many thoughts and I'm just struggling to understand the amazing things that life can have to offer, finding someone? starting a family? an amazing career? are they the things we're to look forward to? It just doesn't seem that amazing

I thought it was meant to get easier after you could stop harming but I just feel so bad and I don't know what to do, I don't want coping techniques, I want to feel happy, I didn't realise you could still feel like this after stopping, I thought it'd all just go away you know and even after this lockdown I don't think I'll want to go outside again, I don't want to do anything, just stay in bed (I know I need to snap out of it but I feel so much its hard to)   

[icicle]

Personally, I think that life is more about survival and finding things to look forward to and purpose, than being amazing. I assume that most people go to work in order to pay the bills rather than being fortunate enough to have amazing careers. I've never wanted to be part of a family and am an antinatalist. Not everyone wants the same: some people devote their lives to helping others, some try to raise money for charity, others do research, some rescue unwanted pets, some want to travel. Perhaps you still need to address the reasons behind why you self harmed/ felt like self harming? Perhaps trying to see the positives and taking time to appreciate the little things that we tend to take for granted or don't notice might be a start, although I know that it is hard.

[Theres always light]

Hi icicle,

I'm a bit embarrassed at how I just went on a stroppy rant there haha, although theres truth in it, re reading that I realise I was having a moment, sorry, I could have put it better.

I agree it's about finding purpose and I want to tank you for your nice reply and maybe I should go back to the source. I just feel a bit stuck in my head you know, I don't know how to explain it, lazy is a good word, like I have a lazy brain that I struggle kick start, it doesn't think or processes much, and one day I'm scared I'll wake up and realise I could have done something good but I don't know how to move, how to get into gear.

Thank you, even just writing that out helped me to understand whats going on a bit better