Suppose I must be a Survivor!!

[hayley]

Have returned from psych ward after a 2 wk stay.  I went in because I was in despair and suicidal.  I came out because the suicidal thoughts had left my head so I felt I didn't need to be there any more.  I didn't feel very cared for there because the staff only seem to worry about patients who are sectioned.  In my first wk I ran away and no-one came looking for me.  I went home.  It wasn't done for attention I was frustrated with only getting 5 mins in every hour in the open air.  At the time I was on 15 minute obs and when I got back they moved me to hourly obs even though I was still quite risky.  My level wasnt even changed when I took an overdose 2 days after.  I really dont understan their way of thinking.


So I'm out and getting out and about ok.  I am starting to get fleeting suicidal thoughts and I'm scared I'm gonna get sent back in again.  I'm due the follow-up meeting with the CMHT tomorrow.  Do I say how I'm really feeling or just focus on the stuff I've done since discharge?

[unknown_member]

glad to hear your out of the psych ward hun... was that your first stay?

I find them not very therapeutic places and the staff don't seem to have the time to sit and talk with you... just leave you to your own devices... i find the crisis team much more helpful... did they offer you support from the crisis team?

I would be honest with them hun... they will want to keep you out of hospital as much as possible xxx

[Lily Kym]

I think you should be honest if you can.

The fact you're admitting it before doing something about it shows you're trying to help yourself.

If they've not offered crisis team support as BG suggested, can you ask for it?

How are you feeling now hun? xx xx

[hayley]

Still getting strange moments.  I don't find the crisis team helpful because all they ever do is bang on about distractions and I get the feeling that they don't really believe me when I say I can't distract.  I'm not at that point just yet - the distractions are still working - but to go back in would not be very good in helping me to make progress.  I'm not very good at being contained and that's what will happen for obvious reasons.

I left hospital because I really didnt feel suicidal but now back home those kinda thoughts are creeping back in.  I can't  stay in hospital forever but its almost as though  theyve returned cos I'm no longer in a place of safety.  I don't think I need a place thats that safe.

I am scared to admit to my team these thoughts are back - I'm not at the stage yet where I know I'll act on them - so is it ok to play down the crap thats going on inside my head?  Like just to say I'm dealing with it?

[Lily Kym]

I dont know hun - it's really up to you.

But in my opinion?
I'm really sorry hayley, but i dont think it is ok to play it down.
I think that getting it out now is ok. Doesn't necessarily mean another stay in hospital. so long as you have more support to manage the feelings?
 
xx xx xx

[hayley]

Well had the meeting - haven't had too bad a day today but felt unable to say too much because the opportunity didnt arise.  I think I'm probably asking for too much too soon.  It felt right to leave hospital and it feels right to be at home.  Anyway my consultant wants me to see my cpn next week so if I'm still ropey over the next few days I WILL say something then.

Thanks for advice and support xxx

[Lily Kym]