Hello folks,
Yes I watched it although I do feel that when they showed the scare on the F2M'sarm that they outed every single F2M & that this could put individuals lives at risk.
Yes I self harm.Is it just because I'm a trans woman, No.
For me it has beenacombination of many issues.
I finally wrote the following articule....
The life, Experience & Hopes of a Transsexual Female.
The internal struggle/fight.
Transsexual (ts) men & women are born with an internal struggle/fight with one’s own biological & mind gender, which can last many years & can only have 3 possible outcomes: -
1/ Continue to live a fraudulent lie not only to oneself, but also to everyone else they love or know, therefore continuing to conform to societies expectations of a genetic fe/male. This continued fraudulent lie will eventually lead to more problems & complications than resolving them.
2/ Accepting oneself for who they really are & living with the risk of not only losing one’s family, (being told your being selfish & only thinking of yourself); loved ones, friends, work colleges but also their accommodation, employment & financial means of support; but more importantly living with many risks associated with being a ts such as transphobic abuse; hate; violence (domestic, verbal, physical & sexual); but even greater the risk of being killed transphobically.
3/ Suicide, which would not only be more traumatic for family, loved ones, friends & work colleges, who with not only coping with their own grief, loss & pain but also wondering/asking questions of whether they could of done anything to not only stop/prevent it.
Life & Experience of a Transsexual Female.
As a ts child, life was not only hard with trying to please the family in doing things that they thought a biological male should do, but also in trying to hide & prevent the family from finding out that her mind is really that of a female, who’s fondest wish was to be treated & dressed as a girl, who would eventually grow up & have her own children & be a genetic mother. Although afraid & ashamed to let her parents know for fear of how they would react or treat her. Her greatest fear & concerns were that society in general would not only find out but also treat her & her family as some sort of lepers & want nothing more to do with the family.
As she grew older at times of great need for herself to be free & express her true self, she would do this in secret to prevent her family from finding out. Although for many years her family never knew, they did realise that something was different with her & because she could/would not talk to them about her troubles & worries, they were therefore afraid to also raise the subject with her. This led her family to conclude that their son was gay; this not only turned out as a surprise to her but also a big shock to them when they discovered that their son is really a ts female & had wanted to live her true life for so long.
After moving away from her family home & being able to buy clothes for her true self along with her illusion. This made her life more bearable although she was still doing it in secret, for fear of her landlords/ladies from finding out & her from being transphobically abused or asked to leave her accommodation/home.
After qualifying as a psychiatric nurse & moving to London, where having her own/hospital accommodation gave her the freedom to live her life as she wanted without any fear of transphobic abuse/bullying as she was either living on her own without any worries of being discovered or she had the protection of hospital policies that gave her protection from being abused, harassed or bullied for who she is. Although living in privately rented accommodation she had no protection & when discovered she was asked by the owner if she could not dress unisexed instead & not as a female owing to the fact that the owner lived there & didn’t want the neighbours from finding out a ts female lived there. This felt like she was being asked to close the stable door after the horse had bolted, (going back into hiding & denying herself), because of this it led to her internal struggle/fight reaching breaking point & her going out with the intension of committing suicide, however this had the opposite effect for she realised that she had to be true to herself & allowed her illusion/fraudulent lie to float away on the river Thames.
After finally coming out to the world in March 2003, she spent a number of years living in hospital/key worker accommodation without any fear from her fellow flat mates as both had policies & contracts that protected her.
When she was finally able to return to work in her true gender, she changed site location & professional role although she has remained within the same NHS trust. Her first few months were still anxious with meeting different people, yet she was finding it easier as time went by for she was being accepted as a female not only with her direct colleges but also individual who came to the office or spoke to her on the phone. She found that she was able to interact with people because of this acceptance far more openly than before accepting herself & coming out. Instead of being an introverted, frightened fraudulent lie of a male; as a female she was becoming more confident, assertive, outgoing & able to make new friends, while still keeping a few who knew her from before & who commented on how much brighter & happier she is now.
This acceptance made her realise that there were others who needed support & guidance. She therefore requested to become the unions LGBT rep & even though she was told that people would therefore know she was out, her own reply was that she could not be more out after accepting herself for who she is & the fact that she has a right to be true to herself by letting others know she’s really a female & proud of it.
During this time she became involved in a local government LGBT support group & was asked if she would like to participate in the production of a DVD for the local law society on the harassment/bullying of LGB colleges within the workplace. She has also appeared on the front cover of a Department of Health book for the NHS called Trans, ‘A practical guide for the NHS.’
As her trusts only know ts, she realized that when they started doing Gender Diversity Training for the staff that there was probably no one more suited to cover the area regarding transgender & especially about transsexuals than herself. She has since done a number of talks within the trust in the hope & knowledge that the discussions given by her has led to staff having a better understanding of how a ts fe/male struggles through life & work.
This has also helped her to understand how hard it is for individuals without any or little knowledge to understand what it’s like for a ts fe/male suffering, having to live a constant fraudulent lie, afraid to let others know because of the stigma, transphobic discrimination & abuse. As she has also become aware that these same attitudes will remain within communities, business, religious groups & the NHS, that hopefully individuals will become more accepting that gender is not just what we are born like fe/male but also how our genetic mind develops before birth.
As a ts female who struggled for 32 years with a deformity & awaits her gender surgery, she accepted that she has a right to live her life & be dammed with societies expectations of the stereotypical female, for she is who she is & proud of being a female that’s different.
The hopes of a transsexual female.
Women have a unique gift of being able to bring life to this world. As a ts & hopefully soon to be trans woman if she could of given birth & been a biological mother, her choices in life would of been simpler & made sooner rather than later. For after applying for her Gender Recognition Certificate & having all the rights of a genetic female, to give birth & be a mother is a wish that as a little girl she had hoped for, but know understands that this wish will never be achieved for her, but perhaps in the future with scientific & medical research this may be possible for other transsexuals, to experience this wonderful joy. She however realises that she will go to her grave having missed a wonderful opportunity of experiencing such joy.
A caterpillar within her real life chrysalis waiting to burst free.
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