Well when I say ended I have one more session but to all intents and purposes my therapy has ended. Most people could have put a deposit down on a house or bought a car with the money I have spent. Was it worth the heart ache, pain, anger, sadness and sometimes joy? Without a doubt yes. Does it feel like I have lost a friend without a doubt (and it hurts). It is a big old scary world out there and for the first time in ten years I am on my own.
The thing is that so many bad things have happened to me that I could have spent another 10 years trying to fix everything only to find out that I couldn't fix everything. To be honest with some of the events they were so bad that the only option would be to box them up and fire them into the sun. I chose not to talk about them. I still have days where I hate myself more than I thought it was possible, I still have full on flashbacks some of which come back at the worst possible moments, I still have guilt and yes I stillest harm on occasions, my eating is still completely screwed up and quite frankly there are times when I hate 99.999% of people on this planet. By now I suspect some of you will be asking why you have spent so much on therapy and more importantly why have you stopped?
(I would say because I have no choice but looking past that) I actually value myself now, I will allow myself comfort above and beyond stopping myself suffer. I am at the point where I recognise I need to do more for my self esteem, I will stand up for myself in areas where I didn't used to. I am able to recognise and counter when I am feeling very sorrowful and the most important thing I want the right people in my life. Also when I am at my worst and darkest I am able to look for the beauty in the world