I had an argument with my boyfriend today which has upset me quite a bit to be honest... i'm not sure how upset to be though (one of the problems with having BPD , it's impossible to know how much emotion is 'right' and how much is too much!!)
I've been really busy this last week trying to get work done for uni, i ended up staying awake for nearly 48 hours to get it done, so now my sleeping pattern is a mess, ive been sleeping all day and staying up all night. Yesterday night i couldn't sleep, and the boyfriend was snoring which keeps me awake and drives me mad, so i ended up stying awake untill 7.30am, then i fell asleep. I was too tired then to get up when he did, so i slept in really late, i didn't get up untill 5 o clock. He was angry with me for not getting up, and said that he was 'disappointed' in me. I asked why i was such a disapointment and he said, "well i guess i had higher expectations of you", i asked what these expectations were that i hadn't lived up to, and he said "well i thought you would work hard on your course and get a job".
I did have a job over christmas and I have recently been working really hard on my uni work. I do acknoledge that i could work harder, and sometimes yes i am lazy, i do sleep too much, but i do take a lot of strong medication everyday which does make me more tired than other people. Im always trying to improve myself and be a better more productive person and he knows this.
Is it really bad that he should say he is disappointed in me? - it feels very insulting. Why does he hve the right to pass judgement over me? Im also really hurt that he should say he had higher expectations of me. Why am i such a failure and a disapointment? It makes me feel pretty bad :-(