upset - need some advice please!

[riot-grrrl]

I'm not sure how to feel / react so I really need some advice please!

This morning I was in bed half asleep, my boyfriend was getting ready, so was going in and out of the room. Jut before he left the house he came into the bedroom (he couldn't have been able to tell if i was awake or not because I was faciing the other way) and he said in a really stern demanding voice " I want you to clean this house before I get back". Then he walked out slamming the door.

I was shocked hurt and angry.
Why does he think he can speak that way to me? It wasn't a case of "oh would you mind just doing  bit of tidying up befre i come home please" which I wouldn't of minded. It was a demand and a stern demand at that.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is?!

He is due home around 4ish.

I don't know whether to pack an overnight bag and get the train to my parents house and just be gone when he gets back, or wait around and have a go at him about it or what...

I'm desperate  for some advice please!

[Gerard]

No. It is not right for him to speak you like that. I think that when people do this they are the ones with the problem and it is sort of in bullying territory. You could assertively suggest you were taken aback and upset by his approach this morning....to put the onus back on him. You are entitled to an explanation.

[riot-grrrl]

Thank you very much for your reply - I really do appreciate it.

I think I struggle to know what is acceptable behaviour from others and what isn't. I have borderline PD and my behaviour in the past has been very challenging, and I am used to being told that everything is my fault and that I don't know acceptable from unacceptable behaviour. Nowadays thanks to the right medication,  i'm thankfully very stable, but I have retained that inability to judge other peoples behaviour.

I could tell from his tone of voice that he was angry with me. Angry that I was in bed while he was getting ready to go out. He resents me. He devalues my university work because "it doesn't pay the bills". Only the things that he does, he considers valuable or worthwhile. He thinks because I am "just studying" I should be the one to maintain the house. This is fine, but I would obviously rather be asked politely, and then perhaps given a thannk you afterwards - which I never get.

I just don't know what to say to him, I know as soon as I mention that i'm upset about what he said and how he said it, he will just get angry at me.

[riot-grrrl]

 :help:

He just got back.

I said it isn't okay for you to speak to me like that . he said "why not?" I told him  that it is bullying and he wouldn't speak to his family like that, so why is it ok to speak to me like that. He said that his parents support him and I don't.

I have no idea how I am not supportive.

I said again, that it is not ok to speak to me as he did today, and he said "well that's how you speak to kids who won't get up" I said i'm not a child - i'm not your child. I'm your girlfriend and you have zero respect for me.

I said that i think we have reached the end of line and he laughed and said "shall i ring the removal truck then?" - I said I didn't need his help. I said it was so hard for me because I loved him, but I can't be treated this way.  I asked how would you feel if  moved out, and he said "i'd be shocked because I don't believe you will" He said that we've been here before, and that I get upset and go on and on, then he reasures me and it's over untill next time, he said he can't be bothered to play it out so he just isn't saying anything.

He said "go away and think by yourself about what behaviours you can do that would please me and make me proud"

Am I being down trodden? Am I being treated badly? How is it that I can't even tell whether he is being creul and hurtful and a b******, or whether I am a lazy pathetic child who needs to be treated this way 'for my own good'

Please somebody help me

[unknown_member]

I really wanted to reply because I really do feel he is in the wrong in this situation.. however I'm afraid I'm hopeless in relationship advice... I know exactly what you mean about having a PD and everything being blamed on that, but I can't see how this can be...

sorry I can't be of more help, thinking of you xx

[Gerard]

Am I being down trodden? Am I being treated badly? How is it that I can't even tell whether he is being creul and hurtful and a b******, or whether I am a lazy pathetic child who needs to be treated this way 'for my own good'

If you feel disrespected, yes.
If you feel who you are as a person is being taken for granted, yes.
If your concerns and legitimate points are turned into being about him, his needs, alleged lack of respect to him, yes.

I'm no relationship expert, btw.

[riot-grrrl]

well after the horrible encounter this afternoon, i spent the entire day / evening in bed, not sleeping, just lying there and staring at the wall, i didn't even feel like i could move if i wanted to. about 11pm ish, he walked in and switched the light on and said "get up and go play with your dog, she doesn't want to sleep all day" which is a fair point. So i got up then.

I'm not sure how I even feel now. I just feel empty and numb tbh. I can't see anything in my future, it just looks bleak and empty

[asriella13]

I am absolutely shocked by his behaviour. No one should treat you like that. Not boyfriend, friend, family, no one. It is entirely unreasonable for him to speak to you like that, to demand you do cleaning in the first place, let alone tell you to "please me and make me proud." You DO NOT have to please anyone other than yourself, and it is belitting, abusive and misogynistic for him to suggest that YOU have to please HIM. If he doesn't feel supported, that's his problem, but it sounds like he's expecting way more out of you than is healthy for your to give (or sees "support" as you cleaning up, which is not on). He's disrespected you and made you doubt yourself, and that suggests that isn't a good environment for you or your mental health. Because you say this has happened before, I think that his behaviour is bordering on emotional abuse. Do you have somewhere you can go? Family? Friends? That you could stay for a few days and help clear your head and be in a less stressful environment? I don't know anything about your previous arguments in your relationship, but having borderline PD should have nothing to do with his reaction here, it is completely unreasonable.

You don't need this. Not from anyone and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

[marajess]

I think this behaviour is totally unacceptable. You have a right to be respected and treated compassionately. I think if you can manage it you should calmly confront him about his behaviour and explain that speaking to you in this way is wholly inappropriate.