Recent Posts

21

Survivor Room / Re: If there was a cure for autism...

« Last post by Vermilion on June 13, 2024, 02:08:12 PM »

I've been shutting down over the past few weeks and I hate myself for it. I can barely function and literally beat myself up in anger and self loathing. I can't really do anything, which doesn't help when things just keep piling up.

Rabbit cages need cleaning
Dishes piled in the sink
Floor needs hoovering/mopping
Dust accumulating on windowsills/shelves etc
Clothes still in the washing machine
Grass is so overgrown I need a Rambo tool to cut through it
Etc etc etc...

I should make a start but I can't for some reason. So it just gets more and more overwhelming. 

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Survivor Room / Re: Pissed off and fed up.

« Last post by Vermilion on June 13, 2024, 01:54:42 PM »

So, here I am seemingly unable to do much of anything. I should've gone on that course (separate from uni) but, despite waking up with plenty of time to spare, I didn't get to. I just sat there seemingly unable to move. I've been doing this for a few weeks, to the point where people are actually noticing. I keep saying that it's a cold, which is somewhat true since I had one last week, but it's not really a huge part of what's going on. I just feel like I'm shutting down, like I just can't do anything anymore.

I'm still doing the driving lessons but my progress is frustratingly slow, it could take 2 years+ quite easily. Though I'll run out of money by then anyway. I might just finish the lessons that I've paid for and just quit them afterwards.  I hate it because I know that my chances of getting back to work are basically zero if I can't drive  Oh, I can get really good marks in uni modules but can't b***** drive! I hate my brain. 

I went for the pre-assessment appointment at the local hospital yesterday and I've been given the go ahead to have a general anaesthetic.    If I wasn't such a pussy (bah dum pssh) I could've had this done weeks ago. Oh well.
 
Somewhat related is that I've had severe symptoms again, whether it was thrush or the Lichen sclerosus is unknown, even the doctors can't figure it out when this happens. I didn't bother with GP, ringing 200+ times and then explaining to the receptionist before i even get to a GP just requires energy that I don't have. I just did both treatments and hoped that something would work; 3 tablets for the thrush and steroid ointment twice a day. The symptoms seem to have eased, lats weekend my skin was bleeding and sex was impossible, (hopefully make up for that this week end.. 😏) I'm going to have this condition for the rest of my life so I've just got to get used to it. I just wish that there was some sort of long term management for it, a clinic or something but there isn't. GPs do their best but this requires someone more specialised.

 

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by selfharm_and_identity on June 11, 2024, 04:53:28 PM »

Hi, I'm just kind of echoing so I'm sorry if this is pointless. I used to be called 'a self harmer' and I got so used to it that I felt like it was my identity but I didn't like it because I feel I am more. I did alot to get away from this 'identity' such as keeping my cuts and scars covered at all times because if I don't people tend to talk to my arms and really trying my best to keep control of myself when in public. Then once in hospital a nurse asked me how long I'd been 'self mutilating' for! I was really angry at this nurse and this 'term' but I realised that I'm probably not going to get away from this, because of my history, because of my scars, because of my hospital notes, so now I am more honest with people but I don't call myself a self harmer, I don't ever like to meet people for the first time with my scars showing due to problems I mentioned earlier, I like to meet people so I can talk to them first about other things, things that I like, things I don't like it, things I'm good at and good exciting things I've done in the past, none of which includes my self harm because that's not me, that's just a part of me because of my illnesses and experiences.

I like it here because it's supportive and I don't consider anyone here a 'self harmer'. I consider them people who like me have been through bad things and for whatever reason has found self harm a coping strategy. I know how difficult and isolating life can be especially for people who self harm and I have experience of that and I like to try and help people to get through it if I can.

Everyone here is so much more and has so much more to give. I don't know anyone here in real life but I consider them friends.

Hi Axia,

Sorry for the late reply - I haven't had a chance to check this forum for a while. Thanks so much for sharing this - it wasn't pointless at all. In fact, I actually found it really thought-provoking and powerful to read. It sounds like in the past the fact that you self-harmed was indeed part of your identity, but one that you felt conflicted about and which you wanted to hide. Over time you have hidden this less, but it has also become a less "central" part of your identity and you prefer to focus and connect with others regarding other things, such as your hobbies and interests.

It sounds like you do consider the people here supportive and similar to yourself in some ways. But you wouldn't give them the label of "self-harmer" because, like yourself, they are much more to them than that. Rather, you'd consider them friends who have had some similar experiences. I found that a really moving note to end on! Thanks again for sharing

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Research Topics / Re: Exploring Young Adults' Experiences of Peer Support Networks

« Last post by CL on May 28, 2024, 10:08:47 AM »

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much to those of you who have participated so far.

If anyone would be willing to be interviewed about their experiences with peer support, we would love to hear from you.

Our projects are all about exploring lived experience, and the best way to understand this is hearing your voices and your words, which is why we would like to do some interviews. These would be online.

You can get in touch with myself and/or Sophie via email ([email protected] or [email protected]) if you want to chat further about it.

If you'd prefer to participate through the questionnaire, the link is as above (https://lancasteruni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_5nxMne950xj2Kpg).
Please do write as much as you like, and click all the way through to the questions and submitting your words after you've completed the consent form if you want to participate.

Thanks again to everyone who's shared their experiences so far - they are greatly appreciated!

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by Axia on May 22, 2024, 04:51:42 PM »

Hi, I'm just kind of echoing so I'm sorry if this is pointless. I used to be called 'a self harmer' and I got so used to it that I felt like it was my identity but I didn't like it because I feel I am more. I did alot to get away from this 'identity' such as keeping my cuts and scars covered at all times because if I don't people tend to talk to my arms and really trying my best to keep control of myself when in public. Then once in hospital a nurse asked me how long I'd been 'self mutilating' for! I was really angry at this nurse and this 'term' but I realised that I'm probably not going to get away from this, because of my history, because of my scars, because of my hospital notes, so now I am more honest with people but I don't call myself a self harmer, I don't ever like to meet people for the first time with my scars showing due to problems I mentioned earlier, I like to meet people so I can talk to them first about other things, things that I like, things I don't like it, things I'm good at and good exciting things I've done in the past, none of which includes my self harm because that's not me, that's just a part of me because of my illnesses and experiences.

I like it here because it's supportive and I don't consider anyone here a 'self harmer'. I consider them people who like me have been through bad things and for whatever reason has found self harm a coping strategy. I know how difficult and isolating life can be especially for people who self harm and I have experience of that and I like to try and help people to get through it if I can.

Everyone here is so much more and has so much more to give. I don't know anyone here in real life but I consider them friends.

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by selfharm_and_identity on May 14, 2024, 01:23:28 PM »

Only comment I have is to agree with Vermilion whole heartedly.

Thanks Purplebutterfly!

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by selfharm_and_identity on May 14, 2024, 01:21:10 PM »

I've personally never come across any users here that would feel like self harm is linked in any way to their identity. Users here, it seems to me, are generally trying to stop self harm, or at least minimise it, and are seeking support from others who are struggling with it. That's really all it is, it's simply peer support. In fact, I've talked to a few people who dislike terms such as 'self harmer' because it implies that its a part of who we are rather than just something we do to cope with whatever the underlying issues are. Many prefer phrasing along the lines of 'person who self harms' rather than a term like 'self harmer'.

I can imagine that some people may see it as part of their identity, but they'd probably join a pro self harm community whereas this forum is pro recovery. This is just speculation though, I have never used a pro self harm forum, but have stumbled upon them from time to time. They probably still exist somewhere but I have no interest in joining one.

Really useful. I'll be sure to use something like "person who self harms" rather than "self harmer" if the study does go ahead.

Also really useful about the distinction between pro self-harm communities and pro recovery. I have read quite a bit about pro self-harm communities and that was part of what formed the basis of this study, but like you I have never personally used one. I think a lot of social media sites are trying to crack down on them due to increasing awareness of "online harms". But it seems like it could be useful to speak to some people who are part of these communities too to get their perspective.

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by purplebutterfly on May 14, 2024, 01:19:44 PM »

Only comment I have is to agree with Vermilion whole heartedly.

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Research Topics / Re: Looking for consultation on self-harm and Social Identity

« Last post by selfharm_and_identity on May 14, 2024, 01:13:21 PM »

Using this forum has help me since i started to self harm last yr and if wasnt for my support worker recommending this forum i wouldnt been able to connect with other poeple in a safe way and i never knew that other people self harmed and i thouht i was alone.

That's really great to hear. I guess that must be one of the most valuable aspects of having a community like this! I wonder if there's anyone else here that would also speak to this?

30

Survivor Room / Re: Pissed off and fed up.

« Last post by Vermilion on May 12, 2024, 05:25:48 PM »

Writing is a good idea, I'm not sure if they'd let me though. I'm not sure that this is really a job for CMHT anyway, this is probably just life being stressful rather than actual mental illness. 

I had the hospital appointment yesterday (Saturday) and it was... Well... I can't think of a word. Maybe if I describe it... 



I went into the changing room to put the gown on. The changing rooms are just opposite the treatment room.

I'm already terrified, struggling to hold back tears. I start getting changed...

I can hear the patient before me crying out, probably having the same thing as me. It tips me over, I started to cry because I knew that I was going to be crying out in agony too.

The nurse called me in, by now I was shaking so much I could barely stand up. All while trying to keep covered up with a backless hospital gown on, with no pants on.

I sit in a normal chair while the doctor explains what's going to happen. I dutifully get in that chair with the foot rests that slide over and expose everything.

The nurse gives me some gas and air (the same stuff used for women in labour) which helps with the anxiety somewhat.

The doctor then starts prodding around, as doctors do. She then dabs that horrible stinging solution on my vulva. Similar PH to vinegar, apparently.

It stings and burns, the gas and air not doing much for the pain. Due to the Lichen sclerosus my skin is fag paper thin so it bleeds a bit, as it usually does.

That solution has revealed some skin changes so the doctor tells me that I need a biopsy again.

I start to panic again, trying to get out of the chair. I'm hyperventilating while a bit dizzy and confused from the gas and air. The nurse has to hold me still while they lower the chair, which was the right thing to do since the chair is raised up very high and I probably would have hurt myself if I fell off. 

They let me get dressed again, so I get dressed and come back in to speak to the doctor before I leave. She's decided that I'm too anxious to have a biopsy while conscious again (you don't say!). So, we agree that I'll have it done under general anaesthetic. She wants to look 'inside and out' and she'll do everything that's needed while I'm knocked out.

Nothing to do now but wait. I'm still very sore and probably will be for a few days. I'm having these... I don't know... intrusive memories I guess? I'm remembering yesterday, remembering past biopsies and the agony that they are. I have bouts of intense anxiety and start shaking again.

In a way, I know that self harm would lessen the intensity of this, make it manageable at least. But I don't want to self harm  .