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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: catapult on December 31, 2011, 07:53:11 PM
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Just on for a vent. Ive had a good day, im okay. Just having a cry at what im leaving behind, all the bad stuff, im leaving behind, its quite overwhelming. Im sad in a hopeful way. Its really been a crazy year. This time 12 months ago i was in a mental and emotional wasteground. After spending most of this day last year in a&e getting stitched up, and sobering up. Sad times. Times i hope to leave in the past for good.
This year has really been a hell of a journey for me. There isnt time left in this year for me to tell the story. But thats what it is, a story. A story of me. Of places ive been, and things ive done. Obviously i wish the bad things hadnt happened, but one things for sure, having experienced that place, i sure as hell know i never want to go back there, so maybe thats something. If i can stop myself from going there again, i will. I know itll be hard, at times damn near impossible, but i have to remember all those bad things, i have to remember how it felt, i have to remember, that i dont have to do that to myself.
I must learn to stay strong. Learn how to take those desolate moments and turn them around, into fuel, motivation, a painful but valuable reminder of how far ive come. I hope it brings me compassion, understanding, and patience. I hope i become a tolerable person, yet not stupid. Ill never stand for things ive taken in the past. Im at a point now where its my life. This is MY life now. I dont live for anyone else. I live for me.
I never thought id say that. An for the first time in about 2 years, i can say im happier with my life now on my own, than i think i ever was when i was married. All this learning, about me, everyday, has brought me some kind of peace within myself. I spent so long wrapped up in everone else, i forgot all about me.
Im sad tonight, but im not down. The passing of time can be a great healer, but also a great heartbreaker. Some wounds never heal, but instead of 'getting over' the pain, ive learnt to live WITH it. As a part of me, which i think is only right, and fair.
I am what i am, and im okay with that. Heres hoping you all find some peace in 2012. If i can do it, you can too. x
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:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
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Hey hun,good to hear your still around still giving us words of wisdom,i too hope that 2012 will be a good year for you,as you've said you have come a long way in a year to be able to feel comfortable in your own skin to live life for you and not anyone else is such an achievement,i hope life countiues to go well hugs and love hun. xxxx
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Thanks guys, i feel blessed to have such great support & understanding on here. This place has been invaluable to me, and i hope to be able to continue to use it as an outlet for my daily mentalisms.
I really care about all you guys, geuninley. I feel your worries, i share the struggle, i know those places, that we all at times find ourselves in.
What a way that we survive. But survive we do :) Coz there really is life out there.
Loves x
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:banghead: I wonder why i bother!!!!!!!!!!
From yesterday to now, nothing bad has happened. I went to my sisters this morning, saw the little ones, had something to eat, an came back home. Good news with B, his fat foots much better, an he sayd he misses me an is looking forward to seeing me. An im crashing! Im so frustrated! The mood swings are horrific. Im telling myself its the bpd but is it? Or am i just completley crackers?
Im not sure i quite believe B anymore. I know that its common for bpd sufferers to value/devalue someone quite fast. Which i do with him, or used to, alot. Hed be everything to me, then id hate him & the whole idea of him. Hes not a bad guy, but this situation sucks, but anyhoo. Im not sure whats going on with me inside when it comes to him. Im starting to feel a little cold, and sceptical of the things he says. I dont feel the chemistry i used to when im with him. Maybe im just self protecting, which would be a good thing, but im not sure. What i DO know, is that this confusion about what it is im feeling is common with bpd. I cant narrow down the exact emotion. Its everything all at once, but none stronger than the other. Which is extremely confusing and frustrating and makes me liable to my crocodile impression an start snapping at people.
But maybe i just answered my own question. Its B. Not that hes doing anything wrong, but him saying i miss you, and cant wait to see you, im taking as a patronising insult. As i dont quite believe him. I dont need to hear lies. An im not interested in pipe dreams. Think ill leave this here an spend some more time thinking this thru. I sense my inner b**** wanting to come out an play an this isnt the right place for that.
God help me.
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Stay strong hun hugs xxxx
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Was looking to start a thread in the drugs section about my coming off my meds, but its read only? Cant seem to start a new topic in there. Anyway, since January, ive been on Mirtazapine. Have been on every ad going at some point or other, cant remember why they got changed from one to another now, or why i went back on them after a year off ages an ages ago, but Mirtazapine is my current ad. Started on 30mg in Jan 2011, briefly went upto 45mg, then back down to 30mg. After roughly 3 months of hell with various other ones ontop of this one, i no longer take anything else other than this.
After doing MUCH research, and of course speaking to my gp, ive finally realised my carb/sugar cravings are not one of my many addictions, but a side effect of this drug. I literally, eat nothing but carbs. I crash if i dont eat them, and i suffer night binging on any form of carb i have in the house for a fix. Due to this, ive put weight on i cant lose. An i really cant take anymore of the highs and lows the craving and fixing are putting me thru.
A week ago i dropped down to 15mg. Side effects, some lucid dreams, but nothing overly disturbing, one night of sweats, one or two brain zaps in the mornings, but nothing that a strong coffee didnt fix. After suffering an ENORMOUS crash in my mood today, after indulging an a massive carb fest, ive truly had enough. Enough of my mood being determined by drug induced eating habits.
So from tonight, im going cold turkey. The only other time, in a long time, that ive been without any sort of ad medication was a 3 day period in Jan 2011, before going on the Mirt, when i was sectioned following an od and wasnt given anything other than something to stop the shakes due to alcohol withdrawal.
So, tonight is night 1. I dont want to be on the Mirtazepine anymore. Im going to aim for natural alternatives to getting my serotonin levels up. Excercise, a healthy diet, and herbal remedies. If i start to feel too ill, or if someone else notices me dropping and i dont, i shall go back to my gp.
Wish me luck.
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Okay, ill try explain this without it sounding too.....senseless. I used to take my med around 9ish, and id be falling asleep between 10 an 11. As i didnt take it last night, around 10ish i started to go up on abit of a manic high. By midnight i had flashes in my vision and nystagmus. By one (i was texting B) i was apparently making no sense at all. I do rememeber being convinced my demon was in the room with me, an i couldnt take my earphones out incase it spoke to me. I really didnt want to have to make the decision wether to answer it or not if it did. My thoughts were jumping randomly all over the place, i was nauseous, hot and cold, and having all sorts of overly imaginitive ideas. Brain zaps, and my eyes wouldnt stay still.
I caved at 2 and took a quater of a tablet, 7.5mg. This seemed to slow it all down, and i think i got to sleep around 3am. Then awake again at 6.30, i stayed in bed an got up at 9 for coffee.
I dont quite know how i feel. I know B said i wasnt making sense, but to me, i was. I remember telling him you can see it, but only if youre not looking. The things i was saying still sort of make sense to me, but i know they wouldnt to anyone else, and thats unnerving. I feel disturbed.
Im going to try and get to the gym today, thats the plan anyway. I need to mull this over.
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So B text me as i was getting ready to go gym it, hes begging me to stop tapering. I feel a stubborn groove coming on. Had a fantastic workout, a brilliant run, have had a bath & am making a healthy dinner. I feel ok. Few brain zaps and the night is lingering over me like a shadow. But i feel okay. Im sensing B panicked more last night than hes letting on, im seeing him 2moro an he wants to talk about it then so i think hes holding off for now. I feel bad that hes worried, but hes not the one stuck in this mad cycle of craziness im trying to get out of, but the support hes giving me is invaluable, and i dont know what id do without him. Im thankful.
Gonna eat my dinner now, and watch some tv. Still iding this out. Bit worried about the night coming round again, but ill think about that later.
ttfn.
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Hope your ok hun hugs xx
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lock please
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Please lock this i cant settle knowing its open. Thankyou. lock please lock please lock please
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Considering this is still open i thought i might aswell have a waffle. Had my back to work meeting this morning, it went well. I waffled. Im having a waffle day. Im going back Feb 1st. Am quite lookin forward to it actually, itll be nice to be busy again, and be around people. Im going back on my old unit. I work at my local hospital, im a top cleaner ;D I work on Intensive Care. The staff are lovely and its closed off from the rest of the hospital so its like a little community. Hopefully being back will inspire me to complete the rest of my course. Ive been half way thru a diploma in Human Anatomy & Physiology for like, 3 years now. Longest diploma ever!!!
Im hoping life is onwards & upwards from here on it. Im no longer in therapy, im going back to work, my meds are stabilised, im learning a little more everyday about my bpd and how it affects me. I can self sooth now, i can be kind, and nice to myself. I eat well and sleep okay. I had one lapse of drinking in 8 months, and havnt self harmed since last October. Im re-building my relationships with my family, and making new freinds. I have new hobbies & interests, and my divorce is nearly over after 19 months.
Above all this, ive embraced life. I made a decision. I will never attempt to take my own life again. I will never do anything intentionally, that will land me in hospital. I will no longer be cruel, or evil to myself. I will no more cause myself uneccessary pain or suffering. I will not torture myself with the things i have lost, but look to the things i have, and can gain. I will live my life.
Wow, that was profound!!! Bring on the silliness!!!!!!! nuhnuh :raspberry: :hyper: :yahooo:
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:rose: GOOD FOR YOU!
Sounds very positive xx xx xx xx
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So good to hear you sound so postive you go hun woohoo respect :hug1: :hug2:xx
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Thanks guys, i am, feeling very positive. With life, comes problems, but as each one comes along im dealing with it much better. Have to go to docs in morning, i can barely walk coz my legs are so bad. Was supposed to go today but i kinda know what theyre gonna say anyway. An if ive got stress fractures then they migh make me use crutches. NOT GOOD! I have too much to do these days to be laid up. Ive got a lfie to live dammit! Typical, i get a lust for it an get injured an get told to sit on my ass for weeks on end. Booooooo!
So, after being scolded today by B, am gonna call the docs in the morn an get me pins checked oot. I wont hear the end of it if i dont!
Other than that ive had an orite day, hobbled into town, paid some bills, got some food in so i have something else for tea other than toast, whoop! Been kinda naughty tho an spent my sky bill money on new headphones :doh: That i need for running, that i cant do, coz i can barely walk, but it made sense at the time! They were on sale so wanted to get them while they were cheap. Ooh an i might be getting a dog, temporarily. My sister unfortunatley is going to be splitting with her partner so needs a dog sitter while the war rages. So gonna have a crazy pound pup eating my house at some point in the not too distant future. At least i can help out in some way. One of the most difficult things about going thru my own divorce was not having anyone to help. But enough of that, i feel okay, so thats it for now :)
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Good to hear you still so postive i hope your poor legs will be ok,its a b***** when you start to get your life on track then a physical thing will come along and bite you on the bum.Take care hun your so worth it :hug1: :hug2:xx
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So, i phones NHS Direct after a good'ol talking to, and it turns out i am suffering from stress fractures in the tibia of both legs. I just posted in the poorly room, like i ran that hard, ive managed to break my own legs. This is some hardcore stuff here!!! Have to go see gp in morning an they might be offing me to trauma to pick up some crutches.
Oh my giddy aunt. Its a floomin good job i have an amazing sense of humour or id be sitting in a big bucket of sulking right now. As it turns out im just wallowing in self pity instead ;D
So im BANNED from running. Now that....has me more than just a little knarked. Stoopid stoopid stoopid meeeeeeee. But thats me all over, all or nothing. Ahh well, ill be sure to update once i get a beating off the doc 2moro for running on an injury and therefore making it WORSE.
One word, DOH!!!!!!
An thanks Ms boots, always thinking of you hun. Yeah, this is what we in my world like to call 'lifes comedy timing'. Well lifes a peach, and im gonna pip it!! :hug2:
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:1059: hope you get on alright at docs and they don't ear bash you too much
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Sorry we missed your request to lock this. Are you ok with it still running?
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Yeah thanks Bea im ok with it. Wanted it closed mid temper tantrum a while ago but im using it now anyway, so leave it open, thanks tho!!
Thanks guys, doc found it amusing id run on a known about injury an made it worse myself. Stoopid!! Got tendonitis & medial tibia stress fracture in both legs. Not allowed to run for 6 weeks, booooo!! Treatment? Uber strong NSAID's and painkillers, and a licence to sit on my butt all day long. Well thatll soon change once im back at work in a few weeks, so i think ill take advantage of the order to be a slob for a month.
BOOOO!! to running injuries. Pah! Lifes comedy timing eh, its a corker :doh:
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Hope it gets better soon :holdingflower: :hug1:
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You to that hun,when your back at work you won't have time to slob out,hope your not in too much pain,its a b***** ain't it the physcial implications your mind is firing on all cylinders but your body don't or can't keep up.
Take real good care of those pins of yours hun and yourself :hug2: :hug1:xxx
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Aww thanks you guys, i really appreciate the kind words :)
Have devised a part hobble part climb method, of getting around the house an up & down the stairs. It would be fun without the pain! I didnt say before coz i was still a little miffed by what happened, but my doc gave me a script for NSAIDs and 100!! VERY strong painkillers. Now i weighed up the options with that, and because hed said i could go to A&E an pick up some crutches if i felt i needed them, proceeded to get the NSAIDS, and told pharmacist i didnt want the painkillers. Honestly? I dont want to have 100 strong tablets in my posession. Im not in 'that' mindframe anymore, but i refuse to have 'excess' medication in my house as it puts me under stress knowing theyre there. Im not an overdose risk anymore on one level, but i dont want temptation waved under my nose either. SO! I goes off to hospital for crutches, to help with weight bearing as i didnt get the painkillers, and there was some mix up at which point i lost my temper, got upset, and walked all the way home, minus crutches ANYWAY. Im a fool, i know, i know. I already had B round flicking me in the forehead like a noob. (that was mainly due to my having a big bee in my bonnet and refusing to answer the phone to the doc when they were later calling me).
So!!!! In short! I kept myself safe today, by refusing to take an excessive amount of painkillers into my possession, and taking life the hard way instead. (granted it would be easier if id picked the crutches up instead of having an emotional fit but hey, cant be awesome all the time can i?) So im proud of that. Will just persue my new hobble/climb method of getting around. Thank god for the guns!!!
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Thanks Foaly :) When i got to a&e i said my gp had sent me down for some crutches, they had to cjeck me in an speak to their doctor anyway. Ive met this guy before, lets just say hes minus people skills. He told me my injury didnt require crutches an i was fine to walk without as id gotten there in the first place. I exlained what my gp had told me an was just doing as instructed. He then proceeded to call my gp, then came back to me. He said 'your doctor has 'been told' and now he knows better than to send patients to a&e for these things. Hes given you painkillers & NSAIDs and we thing you should just use them'. Well i got upset at this point coz i felt like an absolute idiot even tho it wasnt my fault, due to being upset i wasnt able to get my head in order enuff to stand my ground and tell him i hadnt gotten the painkillers and the reason why. So i thanked him, apoligised for wasting his time and bust into tears as soon as i got out of the door.
I called the gp surgery back (with head in gear) and explained what had happened to the receptionist, she said shed get my gp to call me back. As i was in the hospital i figured id go pick my uniforms up out of my locker, theyve been in it since last july (last attempt at returning to work) so i figured theyd need a wash and a freshen up, an i went an dropped my sicknote off at my boss's office. Still no phonecall so i threw a temper tantrum, called the surgery back an told the receptionist to tell my gp not to bother with the callback, ILL MANAGE WITHOUT!!!! THANKS!!! Then proceeded to ignore all attempts by my gp to get hold of me for the rest of the day ::) Im a capricorn, im supposed to be a stubborn old goat.
So! I didnt handle all that very well! But no lasting damage done. I can be such an impetulant child at times :doh:
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Thanks for the suggestion, but im just gonna do without. I dont fancy having to walk into town every other day, im on a licence to be lazy!! I can handle the pain, if it gets too much ill just have to abide by the rules and actually sit down an put my feet up. An not spend all morning lifting and carrying and dismantling furniture and rebuilding it to move bedrooms, like i have today ;D
Bad me, baaaaad me. My adductor muscles are having to over compensate for my damaged shins, now theyre sore too :blushing: Am really not helping myself here. But lets forget im supposed to be not moving, and be happy! Coz a new climbing wall is opening near me on monday!!! Am this exited :yahooo:
Technically its not running and if i make sure i dont fall off there shouldnt be any issues of compacting my fractures, yay! Whoop!
(fingers in ears an eyes closed an not listening to the many voices telling me to REST!!!!) Those who cant need to move aside and make way for those that DO!!! Uh, both those apply to me. The words rock and hard place come to mind, i say climb it! rotfl
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Morning forum *yawns*
Dead groggy this morning, latlely when im sleeping its more like being unconciouss (i can never spell that) an it takes me a while to rouse. Meeting my sister today, shes going to get a tattoo an asked me to go with her. So ill be going out later. Which should break my day up. Feel really flat, with a good dose of anxiety thrown in for good measure.
Legs are sore. New climbing place opening been put back to the 20th, which im not really bothered about, i cant actually afford to go till the 25th anyway so no great loss there. Im worried about getting up for work when im sleeping like this. Gonna have to take my meds ridiculously early and hope i sleep longer and get up fresher. Im going back on a phased return, for the first couple of weeks im starting at 9 so will be getting up at 7, but after that im back on normal hours so starting at 7, which means me getting up at 5am. My most dead to the world time. I know it used to knacker me out before anyway (back in married life). Id get in from work about 2pm, and go to bed for a couple of hours. Am just worried about it, and because ill be back at work ill be coming off ESA and be liable for my own rent & council tax etc. Im worried about not being able to afford everything. Im going back Feb 1st, so everythings going to change in the month following that. STRESSED!!!! I need support thru this. I think today is going to require alot of coffee.
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Ive been living here since March, its private rented. A homeless assoc. found this place for me, as i was pretty much sofa surfing after i left my husband. Ive people i can ask for help if i start to struggle. Its hard to believe the life i used to live, when i was married, big house with a big mortgage and everything else that went along with it! Lifes different on your own. After living with someone for nearly a decade, then being on your own again, things that used to be basic to deal with become big worries.
Ive overcome alot of my harmful habits (long may it last) and im onto dealing with my BPD on a daily basis. Because i feel everything so intensley and the smallest things can make me feel like my world is crashing down around me, i wobble alot. Going back to work and handling the subsequent stressors is pretty much my last big hurdle to getting my life back. Its taken me 18 months to recover from losing everything and having a complete meltdown. I can only hope, and try my best, and that will have to be enough. Just gotta try and keep myself as safe as possible i guess, through it all.
Thanks for the support Foaly, mucho appreciated compadre.
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Okay, so ive had the dog for less than 2 hours and i already cant cope. My sister has broken up with her husband and asked me to foster the dog as shes worried about leaving her alone for long periods of time. I was worried about it but tried to look at it as company for me etc. I cant cope. I just tried to take the dog out and shes completley uncontrolable. Her pulling so much has really really hurt my leg injuries and also hunt my hand. Was only out 5 mins an i gave up an came back. Shes trashing my house and obviously doesnt know me so doesnt abide by commands.
I cant cope with this. Im already floored by being injured and worried about returning to work, which is now only 2 weeks away. I cant handle the responsibility but my sister is going to hate me if i dont do this im sure of it. Ive already text her saying the dogs hurt my legs an if i cant cope am gonna have to let her know but i cant cope now. I cant stop crying, this is too much ontop of already being in pain and stressed out.
I cant cope im in bits i dont know what to do
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The dogs gone. I lost it. My sisters just picked her back up i totally snapped. Im an absolute wreck an feel so ill. Cant believe how crap i am. Im cant do anything for anyone.
lock please thanks