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NSHN Forum Support & On Topic Forums. Some additional boards are viewable to members only => Survivor Room => Topic started by: Twinkle Toes on January 26, 2016, 03:33:29 PM
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Hello.
I'm at work today (customer facing) and I'm crying at my desk. Seriously. What?!
I'm having therapy and my therapist is pushing as to why 'I can't'. Can't what? Socialise, work, get dressed if I'm not at work, be happy... The list is endless.... I don't know, I can't do anything. I can't do anything because I feel so suffocated a trapped. But what she's mainly pushing for is why can't I tell my mum and sister that I have BPD...
I was never able to tell them anything as a child. I'm seen as the strong one. I guess like nothing bothers me. But now I am trapped in a lonely world of silence. I can't talk to the one person who knows I'm having issues because I feel like she's scared of me. And I can't tell anyone/family/therapist about how self destructive I'm feeling. I'm about to explode.
I don't talk anymore. I do stuff because I have to eg like go to work. I can barely talk to someone who wants something, so much so I snapped at my manager for micro managing me today. (There was just no need).
Other than at work, I'm mute. In my therapy sessions, I'm almost completely mute.
The great thing about being 34 is that I can legally buy beverages and tools.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Does anyone have an opinion on whether to tell or not to tell?
Ramble over.
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Hi.
It sounds like you are having a really rough time and I'm sorry about that. I have BPD too and it took me a long time to tell my mum about it but when I did it made things a bit easier for us, she understood me a bit more and although she doesn't really talk to me about it, knowing the diagnosis she does find it easier to understand when I find myself in A & E or in hospital now.
Your therapist is the best person to talk to, after all that's why they are there, but I know it is tough. You shouldn't feel pushed to do anything you don't want to. Sometimes I find writing things down easier, maybe you could write down what you want to say to your therapist?
It's both easier and harder being of an age where you are not questioned about what you buy, sometimes I wish people would stop me but I am 31 and I know that they can't. I don't have an answer for that, but please try to keep yourself safe.
You can always talk to people on here. :hug2:
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Hi Axia
Thank you for your kind words. And understanding...
I do feel things would be easier if I told, but also it would be dismissed.... Maybe not at first, but soon after.... Hmmmmm I'll work on that!
I told my therapist that I self censor in our sessions. That I can't be open. I've never been 'allowed' (to talk/be honest) to before... I feel silly saying, but, it really hurts inside what I can't say....
I do love petting this giraffe though. :kissygiraffe:
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You should never feel like you are being dismissed, I know that some people aren't always understanding but everything you are feeling is valid and there is always support for you.
It's good that you have been able to tell your therapist that you self censor your sessions. I'm sorry that you've never been able to talk openly and honestly before, it sounds awful and it's no wonder why you struggle to do it now. It doesn't sound silly at all - sometimes I will talk about everything except what is actually distressing me the most. I know it hurts.
It might take some time to get used to as you couldn't do it before but your therapist is there to allow you to talk, and each time you say a little bit more, the easier it will get. You are allowed to talk and you will be listened to.
And I like your giraffe friend there... :hug2:
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Hey,
YES YES YES! I talk about ANYTHING but me and my feelings. If I have to talk about myself, like in therapy, that's when it really hurts. Like my heart physically hurts... So I just don't say anything. I just sit there - in what I told her I nick named 'wallow weekly'.
(It probably doesn't help to belittle my own sessions, but it's either a coping strategy or again, I don't feel 'worthy' enough to be helped/listed to.)
I don't have a support network (I live by myself, many different part time jobs etc), so that's also why I don't feel able to tell anyone.... anything...
My giraffe friend? I like that :) I like my new giraffe friend. :kissygiraffe:
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Hi hun. You are worthy to be helped and listened to, I know it can be hard to understand when you feel so low but it is true, please believe that.
It's hard not to have a support network around you, I understand, I live by myself too and I don't have many people in my life. What I have found helpful is having a pet. The great thing about them is that they depend on you and I have found that comforting, whatever you are feeling, they always need feeding and watering, having their litter changed or being taken out for a walk, I find animals supportive. They are great to talk to. Do you have a pet or thought about one? If you are in a position to do so that is. Maybe you could even adopt a giraffe?
I know you find it hard to talk, maybe practice is the key? There is a topic around here called 'say what you can't say in person' and that's not for anyone to reply to you or judge you on it, it is just what it says. Keep trying, you will get there.
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Hello
I guess I perceive that a physical illness, that can been seen and measured, is more 'believable' or 'worthy' of treatment than something in the mind.....
Oh my.... ''it's all in the mind''... that's all my GP ever said when growing up...... Whenever I was ill as a child, actually physically (chest infections and having my tonsils out etc) it was ''all in the mind''... duck..... just remembered that while typing....
Anyway. back to my initial reply... Do you have pets? If so what?
I would love a dog (my job would keep us separated too long and landlords don't like pets). But I have often thought about having a pet.... It would be great, but I'm frightened that I would get bored of it, couldn't look after it... I get it would give me a purpose and structure, but... Right now my depression keeps me sofa/bed ridden when I don't have to go to work, but I have seriously thought about getting a pet.
In the meantime I have enjoyed gardening this past year. I have lots of pots and have been quite successful. It's garden therapy.
:kissygiraffe:
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I do understand how being told that 'it is all in your mind' makes you feel. It's awful and I'm sorry you've gone through that and I'm sure it's contributed to how you feel about your mental health but it is very real, it's no less important because you can't see it.
Your gardening therapy sounds lovely, really therapeutic. Well done on the success of having lots of nice pots. I hope it continues to go well.
I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed right now. I'm always around if you need a chat.
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Thank you, Axia.
:kissygiraffe:
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I agree with axia about writing. I write things at home and use that as a way to explain to her things that have happened. Sometimes I write things there too.
I know that it might not feel that way but I'm sure that most people begin by not talking. I'd expect them to be used to it.