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Title: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 19, 2013, 09:50:38 AM
I can't believe how well things are going at the moment, just wanted to write it down to make it more real!

*Mood has been really good, thinking very positively.
*Sleep is great - getting a good 8hrs each night
*Waking up early, feeling refreshed, and finding it easy to get up.
*Loving the sunshine!  8))
*Feeling more confident with going out in short sleeves. Have mastered the camouflage make up and have a tan on my arms for the first time in years
*Getting excited about going to Canada in Sept
*Coming off my oral AP and feeling better for it.

 ;D
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Harvey on July 19, 2013, 09:50:18 PM
Good to hear that things are going well for you TH :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Lily Kym on July 19, 2013, 10:06:08 PM
 :icon_mrgreen: really nice to read
you deserve it xx :hug1:
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Je7 on July 20, 2013, 08:22:35 PM
Yay :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 21, 2013, 08:43:06 AM
Thank you!  :creature:

xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 21, 2013, 06:00:26 PM
*TRIG - SCARS*

Went to the park today with family, including my niece who's 7. It was so hot so I thought it would be stupid to sit with a cardi on, so just sat in my short sleeve t-shirt. I usually cover my arms/scars in front of children. I took my niece to the shop and she was holding my hand, she put her hand on my arm and asked why I had so many scratches. I was trying to think what to say, but before I could answer she said "are they from the guinea pigs", I said yes, and she was totally happy with that. She never mentioned it again.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but I think she is too young to know the truth. My other niece who is 14 knows, but has never commented when I've had my arms uncovered. I feel a big relief that the 7yr old has seen and was not phased.

I started self harming when I was 13 (19yrs ago) and I've pretty much always had my arms covered up (except abroad). I'm beginning to feel less ashamed of my scars, and less worried about people seeing. I've still got a way to go, as people like work colleagues and fellow uni students haven't ever seen them, but I'm getting there :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Lily Kym on July 21, 2013, 06:03:58 PM
Well done xx
I think that was the right thing to say xx

Glad you had a good day xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 22, 2013, 08:37:20 AM
Thank you Lily  :hug2:

Had another disturbing dream last night. Trying not to dwell on it and remain positive, but it has shaken me a bit.

Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Sian-May on July 22, 2013, 10:37:20 AM
I'm so pleased for you. You really deserve to be happy and I'm so glad you're full of positivity right now.

Showing off your scars can be a big step and takes a lot of courage, well done :hug2:

So nice to read something so positive, I really hope it continues and you're on the path to happiness and recovery x x x
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Lily Kym on July 22, 2013, 04:12:25 PM
When I was little, and had a bad dream, mum would come and see me

She would tell me it is the body's way of pushing out things from deep in us. Used to quite soothe me, as it did make sense..

Hope you're still doing ok? Xxxx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 22, 2013, 07:34:31 PM
Thank you Sian & Lily xx xx

I'm still doing really well thanks. Dream unsettled me this morning, but as the day went on I felt better/settled.

The dream was about being unwell but not thinking I was unwell and my care team were trying to section me. I've had a lot of these dreams recently and about being locked up by the police. I guess it's because I'm worried about things getting bad again? I've had good spells before and got unwell again, so it's always a worry. I don't tend to think about it in the day, but I must be subconsciously worrying and it's coming out in my dreams.

But yeah, things are good and I'm hoping they stay that way :)

xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 24, 2013, 09:25:54 AM
Found it hard to get up yesterday as it was so dark outside (due to the rain storm). Gave me a glimpse of what winter might be like. I hate winter so much and I'm dreading it coming around again. Which is stupid as there is obviously no way of preventing it. Anyway I still managed to get up early (had work at 9am).

Had more distressing dreams last night. This time it wasn't about being unwell tho. I dreamt my mum had died and I wasn't coping with it at all. Woke up really tearful and panicky. I'm ok again now tho.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Sian-May on July 24, 2013, 11:04:16 AM
Sorry you're having bad dreams, they can leave you feeling pretty upset when you wake up :hug2: Poor you.

They are only dreams though and aren't real, try not to dwell too much if you can help it hunny. You're doing so well, really proud of you!
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 24, 2013, 04:17:46 PM
Thanks Hun  :hug2: xx

I'm feeling fine now. If I could just stop having distressing dreams everything would be perfect right now. But I'm happy enough with how things are :)

Went out with my support worker today. Had a 3/4 sleeve cardi on. I have a large scar from a b,urn on the bottom of my arm and she thought I had something stuck on my arm until she realised it was a scar. Was a bit of an awkward moment. Nothing more was said about it tho.

I see my psych next week and I'm pretty certain he will stop my oral AP. I'm really excited. I know I'll be fine without it as long as I stick to having my depot. I'm also thinking of asking to be given 2 weeks of my ADs at a time (I'm on weekly scripts ATM). I want to start building up some trust again and show that I'm doing well. I haven't OD'd since last Sept.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Sian-May on July 24, 2013, 04:19:35 PM
Sounds like you're ready to have your quantity increased. It's great that you feel like you can trust yourself with that amount of pills. I'm happy for you :) x x
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 24, 2013, 04:57:06 PM
I just really want to let people know that things can and do get better. Even with a long term MH condition you can live a happy life :)

I almost didn't survive a suicide attempt Nov 2011. I didn't think things would ever be ok again. The last 20 months have been up and down, but right now I'm feeling better than I have in a long time

I really hope that me saying this can give other people hope for the future. I'm wishing you all happy times to come

Xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 25, 2013, 09:51:41 PM
Tiny wobble today, but not going to let it knock me down.

Nothing much, but noticed I was having unnecessary paranoid thoughts earlier. I've still got them a bit, but they are under control I hope.

I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about the past, but I found myself looking over old posts of mine from over the last 6yrs. There have been many ups and downs, and some very low points, but I have survived them all. Some of my old posts actually made me feel inspired to keep going as there have also been some great times, words of wisdom and clarity.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Terri on July 25, 2013, 09:54:43 PM
You're doing really well, TH. :hug2:


It's good that you're keeping the paranoid thoughts under control. Recognising that they're paranoid and unnecessary it really positive. :)


I think it's OK to think about the past, so long as the good things remain the main focus. :hug2:
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 25, 2013, 10:11:06 PM
Thank you Terri xx

Yes, I'm pleased I recognised them as unnecessarily paranoid early on.  I was worrying earlier that I was talking too fast and people were judging me as unwell. It was triggered by someone asking if everything was ok, and I was thinking yeah everything is fine so what am I doing to imply it might not be??? And all I could think was that maybe I was talking too fast and not making sense. Looking at it logically tho, I'm sure it was just an innocent polite question and they weren't implying there was something wrong.

Also, earlier this afternoon there were people talking outside my house (I think with my neighbour) and I suddenly felt under threat and panicked and locked all my doors and windows. Again, I realised I was over reacting and that I was safe so I managed to relax and stop myself feeling panic.

I think these kind of wobbles are natural though, and I'm not going to let them take over or bring me down. I'm going to enjoy the positives :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Terri on July 25, 2013, 10:25:28 PM
Funnily enough, I had the same thing earlier today. A stranger on the bus asked if I was OK, so I automatically assumed that she could tell that I've had MH stuff. Not the case though, eh? I think sometimes people are just nice. :)


I think wobbles are natural. I try not to overthink difficult thoughts, as then I get a bit bogged down by them and they seem bigger than they need to be. Not letting them taking over is a good plan. :hug2:
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 26, 2013, 12:23:04 PM
Thanks Hun :hug2:

Things have been a little difficult this morning. Felt very sleepy and found it hard to get up. Even went back to bed for 30min after I had breakfast, which is something I've not done for a while. I'm up now, but I still feel a little foggy headed. I considered ringing my support lady, but I don't want to make this anymore than just a bad morning, and also I don't really know what I would say or what she could say.

This week was week 4 since I had my last depot. Because there are 5 Weds this month I've got another week until I have my next one. I'm wondering if that is impacting on how I'm feeling and thinking. Going to let psych know when I see him next week

I feel a bit tearful and anxious right now, but going to distract by going to the city and hopefully that will help.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: is_it_true on July 27, 2013, 03:00:45 PM
Lovely to hear you are doing so well.xx

 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 27, 2013, 06:42:50 PM
Thanks Hun xx

Don't want to make a big deal of this, and I'm sure I will feel good again soon, but I'm struggling a bit at present.

Have been very anxious and panicky last couple of days. Feel like people are looking at me when I'm out, like I've done something and they are judging me. Feel kinda under threat. My head feels foggy and I feel confused and out of sorts

I'll be ok, I know I'm going to be fine. Just need to get through this spell. I'm sure my depot will help on Weds. Trying to keep things as normal as possible so have been out and about, and went to the gym this morning.

I will be ok.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Rob on July 27, 2013, 06:49:16 PM
Weren't you going to talk about the timings of your depot last time, because you felt like this then, and then you felt better after your depot?
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 27, 2013, 07:04:47 PM
Hi Rob, yeah that's right. I spoke to psych about it last month, but he didn't want to change the frequency of the depot until he knows if its a pattern or a coincidence. I'm seeing him again on Weds before I have my depot so I'm going to let him know. The CPN that administers it wants to give it 4 weekly, but can't without psych changing the prescription.

Weds not far away now, so I know it's not long until I'll feel better again. I'm going to stay positive even tho things feel hard. Last 3/4 weeks have been really good and I'm not ready to let that go.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Rob on July 27, 2013, 08:28:47 PM
I think that sounds sensible - it's often a little easier hanging on when you know it's for a short finite time.  :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 28, 2013, 03:00:49 PM
 :) yes, I agree Rob.

Not feeling too bad emotionally today. I've been out food shopping and kept the paranoia in check. Anxiety not been bad today either.

I'm incredibly tired again today. I'm sleeping a good 8-9hrs a night, but really tired in the day. I've had a nap again today. Don't know if that could be related to needing the depot though. I guess I'll find out after Weds.

Got a girl coming between 5&6pm to buy my old guinea pig cage. I don't need the money, but it is welcome all the same. It's been taking up room in my shed for months so I'm glad it will be getting put to use again.

Might ring support worker tomorrow just to let her know how the last few days have been. I will tell my psych about it on Weds, but I'm worried that in doing so he will not let me stop the clopixal. I really do think I'll be fine without it though, I've cut the dose down considerably and been fine. I really want to stop it now. I'm also going to ask for 2 weeks of meds at a time instead of 1 week. I've not had any OD thoughts for a long time and I feel ready to take that step.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: unknown_member on July 28, 2013, 09:04:01 PM
glad you feel a little better today hun ... xx

8-9 hours sleep a night isn't too much... I'm on a depot and I need at least 12 hours a night... it's strong medication, you need to give yourself a break xxx

I'm glad you've recognised the pattern and hopefully it can be altered now...

hopefully they will take your request for fortnightly prescriptions into consideration .. is it a hassle picking them up weekly?

xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 29, 2013, 09:20:01 AM
Hi Jewel

I guess having a nap in the day isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just that I've been really awake and full of energy for 3-4 weeks, and the tiredness sort of hit me a week or so ago. I was loving the feeling of being alert and not tired. On the plus side I'm still managing to get up early :)

Picking up my meds weekly isn't really a hassle as my pharmacy is on the same road as the shop I work in. It wouldn't really matter if they keep me on weekly scripts. I just want to show that I can be trusted with more medication and take some more responsibility for myself. I go on holiday in Sept for 11 days so will need to collect 2 weeks worth before I go. Will see what psych says.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 30, 2013, 04:38:13 PM
Things have settled down again now and I'm feeling pretty good :) Still struggling a bit with tiredness, and am curious to see if that eases after my depot tomorrow. Not really had any paranoia or weird thoughts last couple of days (at least no more than usual!). Will probably stick to having depot last Wednesday of each month as its much easier to remember than having to track the 4 weeks. See what psych says tho.

Was going to go to the gym yesterday after work, but I fell asleep on the sofa and didn't feel like it when I woke up. Bit annoyed with myself for not going. I'm going swimming tonight tho so looking forward to that, and have pencilled in the gym for tomorrow and Friday.

Appointment with psych tomorrow at 12.20, then I'll have my depot, then I'm going out with support worker. Working again Thurs and Fri, so busy week, but that is good.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 31, 2013, 06:39:06 PM
Saw psych this morning. He said he has never seen me so well in the 2yrs he's known me. He asked if this was my normal level of mood/functioning when I wasn't unwell, but I've been unwell since I was 14 so it's very hard to tell. He said he is pleased with how I am, and if I can maintain this then that would be great. But he also said he is concerned I may go 'high' so I've got to keep an eye out for things like sleeping less, talking too fast, or having racing thoughts. Hopefully none of that will happen though.

Asked for the clopixal to be stopped (I've gone from 6 tablets a day to 2 already), but he wouldn't stop it. Said I can cut down to 1 tablet for 3-4 weeks, then if all ok I can stop it. He also said in a month or so he is going to slightly reduce my AD. I'm currently on above the recommended maximum dose, and he wants to cut down to the recommended max dose. I've been on this dose since my Sui attempt in Nov 2011, and I'm a bit nervous about cutting down.
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Rob on July 31, 2013, 06:57:13 PM
Sensible to pace things carefully rather than rush into changes - your psych is ensuring that you can maintain how you are now, and I'd agree that it's better to make gradual adjustments and see what effect that makes rather than anything more drastic. Slow changes can always be easily readjusted if necessary with the least disruption. Obviously your psych is mindful that you're on a high dose of your ADs and is going to try and make that slight adjustment if possible - if it can be dropped even slightly without adversely affecting you, it can make a difference to your long term well being.

I think that it's all sounded good news!
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 31, 2013, 07:26:47 PM
Thanks Rob. Yes, it's all really positive :)

Have been reducing the clopixal over the last 6 months, so a few more weeks doesn't matter.

After the appointment Psych called my support worker over for a chat while I was in the waiting room, and I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I did catch "watch out for a crash", but I don't know if that was about me.

I told him about the paranoia I had a few days ago, and how I'd managed to rationalise it and it had gone away. He said its huge progress and was really pleased.

This is the most well I've been since about 2005 :)
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: Bea on July 31, 2013, 10:46:13 PM
This is the most well I've been since about 2005 :)
that is so good to hear  :hug2: xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on July 31, 2013, 11:53:27 PM
Thank you Bea xx
Title: Re: Things are good :)
Post by: terrified heart on August 02, 2013, 03:30:42 PM
Had depot 2 days ago now. Not sure how long it takes to have an effect (in theory it should never stop having an effect), but I'm still feeling very tired in the day. Slept 9hrs last night, but woke up feeling really tired still. Had to be in work for 10am so couldn't stay in bed, but felt really tearful at the thought of getting up.

Maybe the energy I had last month was a bit of a fluke. I had hoped it would continue as it was making me feel really good. Don't get me wrong, I still feel good, it's just that I'm also feeling very tired. And feeling tired takes a bit of the good feeling away.

Was planning on the gym this eve, but it was so manic in work today I feel like I've already done a workout!! Been carrying heavy equipment up and down stairs all day, and refitting the shop. I might still go to gym, but going to see how I feel in an hour or so.