I'm sorry i need to get this all out of my head it's probably going to come out like a long ramble eek
I have been SH free for 8 months now and mostly i have been fairly happy too, normal ups and downs but like i say mostly normal not depression etc. I been having counselling to try and sort my issues with SH and men while i was fairly well. The problem is every year it hits november and i start to struggle i not really sure why but when i look back at my journal which i have kept for 6 years now i always struggle between roughly nov and feb (not limited too mind) i have started to notice the slip in my mood and i'm desperately trying to clingon to normality. I am trying really hard to do things i have been taught to combat this but i feel im struggling already and its not even december yet
I'm not sure why i struggle in the winter i hate christmas i work outside and a lot of my hobbies are outdoors so i have wondered whether it is to do with daylight hours and weather. My main thing is horses and the competition season is over now so i have less to concentrate on i suppose?
I tend to have anxiety probs too
The other problem i have is with men but i talked about till i'm blue in the face recently but it is still making me a little unhappy at the moment but probably only in the same way as a normal person.
I have to go to my great nans funeral tomorrow which i want to go too she was 107
but i'm slightly terrified i might run into my dad who i haven't spoken too for like 10 years since i was 12. He is probably part of the reason for some of my issues i expect especially my dislike of christmas and i have gradually come to realise that i am very angry with him i don't really want to see him he would be better hiding in Ireland forever more so i don't have to think about him he might not appear tomorrow but as its his gran i think there is a chance he might.
I had to tell a friend about my SH yesterday because we went swimming and i always wear a rash vest but then she wanted to go in the sauna and so i bit the bullet and told her because she was only gonna see anyway and would have looked weird otherwise i thought. She was really sweet about it but not sure she really come across it before and think it freaked her out a bit so i'm a little worried about that now but will hopefully be ok eek
I also had a text this morn that said " I am sorry to hear that you are having problems . You could text bthe smaritans on ...." UH WHAT!! anyone have any suggestions where this could have come from because it was not from a number and i'm highly confused and feeling very paranoid
as to how they got my number etc
Bleugh i don't want to struggle anymore and i don't want to SH hopefully getting all this out my head will make me feel better. I hope its in the right room
and if anyone has any ideas about the sams thing that would be great.