Hi everyone
I've been on and off this forum (mostly off) since the late nineties/early 2000s
I met some of my greatest friends IRL here.
I haven't self harmed for a couple of years, probably three, I don't keep count.
I'm nearly a year sober, so that's an improvement on the drinking front.
I smoke about 3 fags a week, so that's pretty low risk.
I don't smoke drugs anymore.
I have a vitamin regime (!!!)
I have a full time stable job.
I have a stable home.
I have a stable relationship.
I pay for private therapy every other week.
AND YET
I astounded myself by feeling utterly suicidal last night - a real "felt-truth" feeling that others would be better off without me - that I was a nuisance, a burden, a weirdo, someone who is nasty and manipulative and evil etc etc, ALL those things that I work SO HARD not to think about myself - I spend a lot of time in self-talk, telling myself everything is OK and backing it up with facts, you know, the CBT/DBT stuff and other self-think that I've learnt - and also facts, e.g. above - but I did a frantic search for my old tools last night and went onto ebay and bought some things to harm myself with.
WHAT IS GOING ON
I'm on 40mg Prozac - 20mg 30mg or 40mg seems to hold me steady depending what time of year it is....usually.... has it stopped working?
I keep dissociating
I feel tearful
I was late for work
Am I relapsing?
FRUSTRATION.
Anyone had this after years on therapy and on pills?