My story (some of it anyway)

[secret past]

Hi! I have re-found this website which I had almost forgotten I used on a daily basis several years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was trapped in an almost daily cycle of self harm. At the time I felt I was becoming obsessive over being on here and that ultimately it wasn't helping me resist the urge to hurt myself so I stopped logging in.

 A few years later (I'm not even totally sure when), I stopped self harming. I think it's probably been about 2 years since I last cut. Of course I still have some scars which I'm guessing will never go but I don't think they're too obvious, although no one has seen them so I can't be sure how conspicuous they actually are!

You're probably wondering why I'm posting now if I'm completely free of self harm but this post has a point to it I promise! Just stick with me I appreciate it!

Something huge happened last year that has totally messed me up (which I think is a natural reaction!) I had loads of different and very strong feelings about the situation and so as a responsible adult I thought it would be sensible to go and see my GP and ask for some counselling, which he agreed to immediately. I waited 3 months for an appointment, during which things reached a peak and I began to come to terms with what had happened but not how I felt about it all. It turned out I was getting CBT instead of counselling which seemed like a great idea to me.

I've since had 2 therapy sessions which I felt went well but I've been holding back a bit in that I haven't told my therapist about my thoughts of self harming. Although in myself I feel ok (a bit stressed due to work but not really had time to think about what happened or how I feel about it), I keep getting thoughts or images of hurting myself.  They're only flashes and are at the moment quite easy to resist but I am a bit scared that they're back after so long. I haven't given in and would like to keep it that way and the sensible side of me thinks that's something I should discuss at my next session.

BUT the other part of me doesn't want to get into discussing self harm with my therapist as that's a whole different issue to the reason I am there. I think I'm worried that things will escalate from calmly discussing it with her to it going in my doctors notes (I never told my doctor or any professional about my self harm), possibly to my workplace (I work in a school) and generally 'our there' and not secret or private anymore.

I don't know what to do. I guess that's what brought me here. Does anyone have any similar experiences?

Thanks for reading a long and rambling post!

[diamondwithaflaw]

I'm sorry this'll be a very inadequate response as I'm flagging a little now.
Ok, I'm thinking you should discuss the thoughts if you are troubled by them in a way that makes you think you may be heading towards acting them out. If you are thinking the thoughts are coming as a result of your experience reminding you of your past coping strategy then it might be ok to just keep it in check for now. I guess you need to be truthful to yourself in whether these thoughts are bringing any temptation to go back to sh again?
Not much help, sorry. Oh, and almost forgot..welcome back

[secret past]

Hi Carrie! Thank you for the reply. What you say makes sense. I guess I'll just see how I am over the next 2 weeks till my next appointment and perhaps raise it as something to discuss if I need to. I think I just feel a bit dishonest coz I filled in this questionnaire and one of the questions was something like how often I've thought about harming myself or thinking I'd be better off dead and I selected never but that's not strictly true. I'm also a little worried that if I'm not open enough with my therapist that she'll say I don't need to see her again and then I'll be a bit stuck if things get worse.
I think the temptation is there but I'm less likely to give in now that I don't drink anymore as that used to be a big contributor to my sh. Well I hope so anyway!

[Hash]

If I were you, I would be open with my therapist and tell them of my history of self harm and my urges to do it again or thoughts as it were. I think Cease the day, make the most of the secure relationship you have with the therapist and tell them.

Welcome back, even if it is for a brief moment, your always welcome!

Self harm can always raise its ugly head and now you have the chance to handle the thoughts in the best possible way for you and your future.

Hash

[secret past]

Thank you for your reply Hash. The sensible side of me knows its something I should probably bring up at my next appointment. But there is a part of me that is scared about what the possible consequences of opening up in this way could be. I don't want an over reaction but I also don't want it brushed off as nothing because to me it's not nothing. I guess there's still time to think about it all, my next appointment is next Wednesday. Thanks again, I really do appreciate people's advice and support - it makes me feel so much less alone in this situation!