:trig:
I started to self harm when i was 14 i ant remember alot of it but i didnt get along with any of my family i never spoke to them or even looked at them i spent all day everyday in my room alone, it was hard to get away from people because there where 6 of us my two sisters, brother, mum and dad i had to share a room with my little sister and little brother so i couldnt go anywhere to get away. i got really badly bullied in school for all different reasons and the teachers never did anything no matter how bad it got, i felt trapped and alone, the only person i had was my nan but i never really spoke to her much.
i started to get angry and be the time i was 15 i had no relationship with my family and i had 1 friend who i just about got on with i didnt want to live anymore and i cut myself nearly ever night, i could stay awake all night just lying there looking at the ceilling i was to scared to sleep, terrified of being alone even tho i knew i did it to myself i could except it, i blamed everything on everyone else as far as i was concerned everyone was against me, hated me wanted me dead and i was right there with them i hated myself to the point where i couldnt look into a mirror without cutting and wanting to die.
i meet a boy a couple of months after turning 15 he was the nicest person ever and i fell for him straight away we started dating seeing each other nearly everyday i never told him my real feelings he would ask me how i was and i would smile and tell him i was fine, i think he knew i was lying half the time because he could look into my eyes for a little while and then hug me, everytime i had to fight the tears it was the hardist part about the relationship. it wasnt long before he found out im still not sure how he did and i cant really remember how but he was shocked he knew something wasnt right but didnt know it was that bad.
after that our relationship, the walls we put up to get away from the outside world crashed, he started to cut and show them to the world i didnt understand why, why he would do that to me he knew i wasnt stable yet he carried on, people started bullieing me again say i was with a freak telling me in a loser puching me i didnt know why, i just kept think why me, i couldnt cut anymore because everytime i did he would cut so it would be my thought i had to stop and i started to bottle everything in i wouldnt speak or look at anyone in the eyes i was to ashamed of myself thinking about what ive become how i used to be the smilely happy easy going girl now i was this terrified shy angry scarred girl who did know who she was or why she was alive.
its was his birthday on the 4th january he turned 18 he wanted sex i wasnt shore i was still just 15 but he kept asking i didnt want him to hurt himself so i did it, i felt used and disguessed in myself i had 4 showers a day for a week after brushed my teeth 4 times a day cut myself more then ever.
sex soon became the only thing left in our relationship if you can even call it that everytime we saw each other sex, leave, that was it i was sick i started to hate him as much as i hated myself and i didnt even know why!!
My dad hated him and me he begain hurting me every chance he got he would touch me about two weeks after startin he raped me, i cant remember alot of it where ive bloked it out so much, tried to convince myself nothing happened it made my mind fuzzy all i remember is the two little one going down stair to watch something on tv and then it happened i blanked i told him to stop but he wouldnt i could shout for help what if one of the little ones ran upstaird and sore i would of never forgiven myself .... i was trapped...
so we ran it was just me and my boyfriend gone for 3 days 3 nights my mum called the police i hurt my nan so much she didnt understand why my mum and nan where left in the dark, i became nothing i went into a panic attack i wanted to see my mum and my nan i picked up his phone, he told me if i ring home he wouldnt come and he would kill himself but i rang home within 3 hours i sore my mum and nan sitting there waiting for me both had tears in there eyes i couldnt hold everything back anymore i broke down cried in my mums arms for ages. i got in the car and my boyfriend jioned my, i looked at him confused thinking to myself i thought you was gonna kill yourself i had only just realised then who he was and what he was doing, he was playing me making me worse the day after i left him i text him to tell him it was over i still wish i told him in person but i was to scarred i didnt want to hurt anyone anymore i couldnt do it anymore.
morning after i sore him cuts all over his arms showing them to the world he watched me as i walked into school i went staight to class he sat outside still watching me the kids who bullied me sat beside me hugging me telling me it will be ok i was confused why are they being nice to more they were acting like soilders one in front, one on the left one on the right and one sitting behind, i smiled to myself thinking will everything be ok now.
mum picked me up from school i didnt want to walk home alone anymore i wanted people around, when i got home i went straight upstairs i still had to live with this monster who calls himself "dad".
mum can upstair and sat next to me then the words i was terrified of hearing came out "did your dad rape you" i was paralized i couldnt even blink. i looked into her eyes i knew how much she loved him, how much my two sisters and brother loved him so i said no i told her i lied she walked away and i broke down again the same night my big sister came up to me and said i was braking this family into shreds.
i turned 16 we moved 3 hours away mum said it would be a new start i believed her, i got my own room so i could get away from everyone i lived in my room i got a job as a waitress along with my mum in my "dads" new cafe i know..... it is the worst thing to do, but i did it for a year i never once got paid but i knew if i quit id get it again and i would be right back at the beinning again so i held my head up and carried on.
i turned 17 and got into college even with no GCSE's i started studing art and design, drawing has always been my excape from the world i passed and got onto a 2 year course.
im now 18 and 5 weeks away from finishing the two corse i got onto another one called foundation art and design which i worth 4 A levels.
i still live at home with my mum "dad" little sister and brother my big sister is and universeity she wants to work with kids like me.
i still cut and still get flash backs of it all but im more stable then ive ever been, i have accepted everything ive done wrong or right and im slowly starting to accepted the fact the i am crazy, i dont have the same views as other people, and sometimes i do want to die but i cant because if running away hurts my family i dread to think about if i killed myself.
thats my story so far, all the sick and hurtful times i wouldnt trade becasue its made me who i am today, more understanding of myself and how other people work