I first started self harming when i was 7 and my dads friend started sexually abusing me. This stopped after a while until a year and a half ago when my dad's lodger started to sexually abuse me. This time it was a lot worse. I didn't know what was really happening so every time something happened I froze. When I found out what was happening I felt dirty and horrible so I started self harming, badly. Everything had been getting worse since my grandad died in 2011. This made my dads drinking worse - he has really bad problems with alcoholism. I have once put myself in hospital from self harming when I cut to deep and needed stitches - this was because my dad hits me and emotionally abuses me too. He said and did some nasty things and made me feel like I wasn't wanted or needed. I also lost my best friend to cancer a year ago this month, the pain of this is so unbearable its like it was just yesterday when we were joking around and bullying each other angel. He always helped me with my self esteem issues but now hes gone they have gotten a lot worse, i am also a very paranoid person i'll walk into a room and think everyone is looking at me or there laughing at me - something along them lines. My self harming hasnt gotten better over the years its gotten worse and because of it i have lost so many people - my mum said if im gonna hurt myself do it properly and she'll give me the tool and ive lost several friends. Recently things have been quite hard, today my friend tried killing himself and is in icu at the moment on life support so i have recently self harmed - I have never gotten help with my self harming so i feel so alone.
I didn't and have never wanted to die I just wanted to get rid of all the pain I was feeling inside.