Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*

[rogue82]

Am 26, i have spent most of my life trying to be what i should be to my parents, to my friends, and to myself.  All conflict, cos i dont know who i am.  My mum always says up till the age of 18 i was an angel, and then everything went wrong! but shes right

At 18 i moved away from my security of the family home, to nottingham, id never been so lonely in all my life, then i met some1.  I loved her with all my heart and time and time again she let me down, she was bulemic and also a drug addict, one day i lost it and i cut my wrists, she noticed me and for the first time i felt she cared, it was enough 4 me to send me on a path of continual s/h.  It took a while tho, and a couple of yrs later again i harmed, this time landing me in hospital, but again getting what i needed from it, the person i loved came and got me from a&e (different person to the first time) then she let me down more than anyone has in my life, and i stopping feeling anything 4 her in a split second, she dint deserve my thoughts.

I stopped harming 4 a while, but then i got in a relationship with some1 and the harming took on a live of its own, and she tried to support me but in the long run always let me down, and still does 2 yrs after we broke up.  While i was with her the harm escalated and i oded seriously 3 times.  We broke up, and i got help, thru cbt which was really useful i managed to go 2 yrs without an od and over a yr without harming.

But recently ive got scared again by life, and also by getting to close to people and feeling too let down. S/H is off the scale like nothing b4, but now its for very different reasons my harming has evolved and where cbt helped b4 i now have to find new ways 2 deal with it, its a whole new cycle    Ive od but not seriously and done a couple of other things that have seriously endangered my life.  Am in serious danger of losing everything i hold dear, my housemate (also bf) my degree, and seriously my mind.  I cant seem to stop the self destructive part of me, s/h has become an obssession, even when i dont need to i do.  I pray to a higher being that ill get better, and that the people who love me will stick with me till i get there.

[rogue82]

Sorry should say bf, was meant to be b/f (best friend!) !!!

[StrangeGirl]

  I'm an old member who doesn't tend to post on here so much these days, but I'm still about.

  I started to harm when I was 12. It was after a fight with a friend, I felt the need to let off steam so went for a long walk with a tool and hurt my wrist a lot. It was very superficial and just looked gross and was sore for a week or two. But that was the first time I can remember harming myself as 'self harm'.

  My parents spilt when I was 7 after years of fights, and they both had new partners. My mum's new partner was physically abusive. He used to punch holes in the walls and hit her, the police were involved and eventually they split up a while before my little brother (their son) was born. My mum married my step dad about 4 years later and though that home is very stressful because of conflict between people there (step siblings etc), at least it's safe.
My dad dated this woman who I believe had the most negative effect on my family of anything that has ever happened to us. She constantly argued with my dad and belittled all of us. She stopped me and my sister seeing our mum so often (until i went to high school and moved in with my mum) but encouraged our dad to leave us with babysitters and child-minders so they could go out. She took over our lives with my dad so I found it impossible to have a real relationship with him - we would fight viciously and I sometimes wouldn't speak to him for months at a time. He is also now with a much nicer partner and we have a better relationship.

  As a result of the arguing and strained relationship with my father I find it difficult to trust people, which was not helped by the constant bullying from year 5 (in primary school) to the end of sixth form (year 13, A levels).

 My self harm has been a fairly constant thing in my life since i was 12, though I go through periods where I will harm lots and behave in a generally self destructive way (drinking, smoking, not eating, bingeing, running away, skipping school etc etc). I have been referred to MHS twice, the first time was when I was 16 and harming several times a day all over my body, visibly and hidden. At this point I would wear knee socks under tracksuit bottoms during PE to cover the bad harming on my legs, even though this meant I was always hot and had to fight with teachers to wear them. I had an assessment with CAMHS and had 2 months of counseling and 6 months of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I was not really playing ball with this as I simply learnt to hide and control my feelings better so people would think I was ok. I also stopped harming for about a year, simply finding that I was in control enough not to need it.

When I was 18 I had my second referral after 2 months of extremely erratic moods and self destructive behavior. I would go for 4 hour walks in the rain on my own because it seemed like a good idea, I took a week off sixth form to go see a friend because I couldn't cope, I wouldn't get out of bed or shower or get dressed for days and days, I stopped eating for a week before bingeing, I tried to ruin my relationship at the time by behaving inappropriately with mutual friends, I cut a lot and began hoarding pills. However by the time I had an assessment my mood had stabilized so I stopped most of the things and I guess i seemed healthy enough not to need treatment this time.

Since then I haven't been back to the doctor about any such problems, I had a very good year last year and went SH free from October to February, then again from april to august. However since being at uni and starting to live on my own, my 4 year long relationship ending and general stress my mood has been erratic again and SH (along with some of the other issues) is becoming a problem. I guess it's my way of retaining control when my head feels like it's falling apart. At the moment only 3 people know I'm self harming. My ex, my current partner and my best friend. Though I don't tell them every time it happens. Again, the trust thing is an ongoing problem.

So thats mostly it. Sorry it's so long. There's a lot there I guess. Thank you for reading.

Strange xxx

[Miss Gail]

I started SelfHarming when I was 7. In primary scholl I was bullied up until now really. I still get bullied. Also my Dad has cronic Renal Failure ( Kidney Failure) which is killing him. I did it because I thought it was a good way to release the tension that I coulndn't get rid of any other way. It has effected my life so much,as my Body (entire body) is covered in Scars, Deep and Shallow !!! It was my way of coping but it is killing my Family !!! And I hate other people seeing my Body because of the ugliness and that has effected a lot of Relationships !!!

[MentallyUnsound]

Not sure if it will,but -  :trig:

I'm Caitlin,i'm 14 now,but i started self harming just after i turned 13 . My mum had dies suddenly a month before my 13th birthday (May '07) and it drove me off the rails. I didn't take it well.I didn't cry or grieve for probably 3-4 months. At first i just broke the skin. But life got too hard to bear - I missed mum terribly, I was angry,being bullied, and my dad favoured my brother over me. One night I got hold of a tool and hurt my arm. It was the best feeling in the world - I felt refreshed,as if i'd been holding my breath for a long time and had just taken a breath. All the anger and sadness and hate i'd been bottling up just went away and it felt great. Of course it hurt like hell when i woke up.. and i had to convince my dad that it was a school accident,but i'm an extremely good liar.

I had an argument with my dad a few days later about something silly. I went upstairs and I cut my arm again. That was the tipping point,after that I couldn't stop.

I managed to cover it up from my Dad,friends,family and the school,but I slipped up a few times and my dad would catch sight of a cut. Luckily for me he was preoccupied with his girlfriend so didn't really question it when I told him it was random accidents.

I got more and more depressed very quickly. I got better for a while when I got into a relationship,but the circumstances in which he dumped me (he started another relationship and then dumped me on MSN) threw me back into the pit.

I was lucky that by now one of my friends had caught on and was attempting to stop me. He knew that I loved him to bits,so used it against me. At first he just tried to make me see how it was hurting people,but I was stuck in my own little depressive world. In the end he just let rip and told me exactly how it made him feel when he saw a new cut,how it tore him apart to see me so unhappy. He told me that if i didn't at least attempt to stop he would walk away,and b**n all bridges between us. I knew he was serious because I'd seen him do it before,and I'd never seen him so upset. I love this guy so much that I would give anything not to lose him, so I began trying to stop. At first there were a few slip ups,but he could see that i was trying so carried on supporting me.

I threw out my box of weapons In early October,and made my last cut a week or two later. So I've not cut for almost three months.  woohoo     I've also been diagnosed with Manic Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder so i have an explanation as to why I couldn't find another way to express my feelings. I'm proud of my scars,because they are like medals to me - they show that i've been in a bad place and managed to drag myself out.


Edit due to method sharing and graphic content - Gerard

[Prawny]

*possible si/od triggers*

I started si-ing when I was probably about 13 I think (and I'm 22 now), though that was really only when I started doing it regularly.  I was showing si behaviours when I was very young, 4 or 5 is the earliest I remember.  I hadn't really heard about it or anything before I started, it just seemed like a natural thing to do in reaction to the way I was feeling.  I drank too much for years (only stopped in the last two months...well, apart from a couple of occasions), and know I have a very unhealthy attitude to alcohol.  I go through phases with cutting...sometimes I can go for months without it, then I start again for sometimes no reason.  I'm managing to resist at the moment, but it's hard.  I have taken a few serious overdoses, hospital visits for cuts, waiting on new therapists after the last ones said si is for attention (*sighs*)...and horrible as all this crap is, I don't know how I will ever live without it.  I feel like I'm always struggling, you know? I always have to try, I can't just be.  I feel like a waste of space, and I'm so disappointed in myself.  Nothing I ever do is good enough.  I never seem to fit in anywhere, I ruin everything I touch, and I always pretend everything is fine, so noone can ever see how shredded I feel inside.  Sorry, this isn't a very good post really, what a mess.

[Ludovica]

This letter was written when I was in hospital and it was written to the bullies who affected how I see myself now. It is not a suicide note, but rather me trying to talk directly to the people who hurt me so much.

A letter sums up one of the many reasons I started SHing- bullying. Here it is:

Dear all of you,

You don’t realise how much you messed me up with your actions. You don’t realise I can see you all now, as vividly as my own family, haunting me every day. You don’t realise I have dropped out of university, because I can’t keep myself physically safe anymore. Funny really, as it used to be that I couldn’t keep myself safe because of you- you hitting me, pushing me over, setting your hands alight in my face, forcing me into smokey toilets. It was you who made me unsafe then, now it is me who makes me unsafe.
You thought I could cope with it, you thought I would forgive you, and I have. But your way of slowly pushing me down into a corner hiding from the world  has stayed with me, all these years later.
You called me bad names, you caused me to hurt myself, you stood outside the toilet cubical that first time I took an overdose, you took great delight in watching me pass out due to hyperventilating during a panic attack.
You should have made me angry. But you didn’t. I just accepted it, stopped going to school and didn’t tell anyone what you did to me. You should have made me tell someone; instead I turned into a completely different person. I used to be outgoing, I used to be alone, yes, but not because people frightened me, instead because I enjoyed my own company. I could have made friends if I so wished, but you stopped anyone from even wanting to say hello to me, for fear that they would be bullied too.
When you would talk about me, when I was in the same room, I used to listen without flinching, without showing emotions, and just absorbed every word. The voices I had for a while, though they have gone mostly now, used to shout like you used to. They said the same things, and like you, I still believe everything they said. However horrible, I believe it.
I used to hide in the music department, as an escape from you, and just play the piano. No one could touch me then, as I was in my own world. My hearing is focused on my playing, even today when I play and nothing can touch me. Not even you.

You affected me loads, but now, it is me who is the bully. I bully myself almost constantly. So you don’t matter now, but neither do I. I will die, no matter what, and all the times you said “I wish you were dead”, will be true. And I am calm, now, knowing that you were right. All of you were right. Anyway, I will die, and you can all go on to lead amazing lives, unlike me, who lives knowing only thing- that soon I will die. That is all I know, and you all know how to live great lives. I will never know that, however much people try to teach me.

Anyway, I will go now,
Bye,


The stupid one

[Icantchange]

 :trig: just in case.
not sure how 2 start.

when i was l3 i had a teacher training day at school so me and my best friend decided 2 go to the cinema to see ''ants'', (there was us 2 and another 4-5 people in,so uiet really)about 30 mins in to the film the manager came round asking 2 check tickets, he told my m8 to move over and he sat in the middle.. my friend was nervous so she went to the toilet.. well whilst she was gone he S.A me. cant remember much after apart from running out 2 where my dad was piking me and my friend up. i told my dad and he went straight in after him, police wer foned .. went to court , he got 2 and a half years ''pathetik''. nothing was mentioned after nothing at all. (im 2l now) .About a month after a close family member died and i was gutted, hartbroken , words cant describe how i felt.
things got to much and i was in my room and S.H for the first time nothing major jus little cuts. I fell out with my friend who was with me at the cinema (even tho it wasnt her fault and supported me and spoke onvideo link) i guess i blamed her for leaving me, but seins as i didnt tell my other friends what had happend they all went with her and left me. I started 2 hang around with different ppl and got naughty at school,, started drinking etc. Then after a year or so i just went in 2 a shell (still S.Hing) wernt botherd about anything.. started to get bullied by my old friends and jus hated my life, and me.  Left school in yr ll and started working and stoped S.H'ing. a year on i hit a bad patch (for no reason) and started S.Hing again my family was away for a weekend so i O.D'd i lay on my bed and i new i made the right decision. BUT... i woke up i must of had 24 hours sleep, maybe more. i was glad i woke up it was a eye opener.i was ok had down moments but kept my self occupied..
The beggining of november 2008, i woke up with a empty feeling, feeling down, depressed , and hating myself and started S.H'ing again, twice a week.. its been getting worse and worse and since the first week in dec iv been doing it almost every day this last week hasd been my worst had anxiety panic attacs and have been S.H'ing 5-6 times a day, and there deep cuts aswell, i cut yesturday and got angry and upset and did it again and cuddnt stop the bleeding..paniced, it stopped in the end tho. went to the docs b for crimbo and hes put me on anti depressants, i did for a week the decided i dont want pills 2 make me happy,i wanna just be me.
I have days when i dont want to be here, but wouldnt take a O.D again cause ... well i just dont have the guts to do it..plus i wuddnt do it 2 my family.

sorry for rambeling.. thanks for reading.. take care. x

[mice]

i,m 33 and still do it when the urge overwhelms me. been cutting since i was 12 MICE

[sarah louise]

hi, first time I've been here and I've not spoken about this before.
can't remember much from when I was young, am 30 now.  dad had a violent temper, mum and dad used to fight a lot, I'd hide in my brothers room and listen to music with him.  I was flashed by a man when I was 14, raped by my boyfriend when I was 15, thought I was pregnant, mum 'prayed' for me when I told her. That was when I SH'ed for the first time, it was an accident, I was angry and threw a plate, cut my hand, was fascinated by the blood, forgot what I had been angry about.  Kept a sharp bit of the plate, next time I boiled over I used the plate instead of breaking something.  Wasn't pregnant- thank god!
Most of the time I'm calm, layed back, I scare myself when I get angry.  Don't like getting out of control like my dad, bottled up the anger and frustration, then when it gets too much, I cut, then feel happy and normal.  For a while.
Lived with older sister and her family for a while, nephew was ill, leukemia, bone marrow transplant, almost died.  Was sleeping with a jerk, used me for sex, treated me like s**t, I loved him.  Took first OD, spent night in hospital, felt safe and happy for first time in months. 
Moved into own place, was fine for a long while, slept around, felt dirty after each time, got too much after a while, SH'ed again, OD again, felt better.
Couple of years passed no SH.
Met husband- alcholic, didn't see it,  I loved him, he drank, started SH again, not cutting, b**ning, he didn't care.
Had daughter, left alone all the time, SH'ed more, he left me for ex, they're having a baby, got very bad for a while, I was evicted.
Now it's been almost a year since I last SH'ed, think about it a lot, not done it.  Own place, no b/f, no sex, no money, just me and little girl- happier than before, don't know what the future holds, anything?
hope all that made sence, x