:trig: started shing when i was 14, i just started out scratching my arms and it felt really good and made me feel less stressed (have a LOT of family issues, ie abuse [emotional and physical], etc ). it soon wasn't enough to just scratch and i wanted more, so i did worse scratches, and then again i needed something more.
i suppose it really started when i accidently cut myself shaving, which is strange so i've been told by a friend (also a sh-er), but i suppose everyone has their diff ways. firstly i was scared of what i was doing, scared of getting infected, diseases etc, but then as it got worse i just didn't care, it made me feel better, so it felt worth it. I didnt realise what i was getting myself into, i'd become so dependent on it it scared me.
i went through a rough patch where i sh-ed almost every night, and i felt bad for it, and i was scared people were going to find out, and then think i was attention seeking, when in reality i didn't want anyone to know at all.
i haven't told a gp, support line, anything except here. i once spoke to an online councellor on childline who wasn't very helpful and was more interested into moving onto the person person because there was 'people online waiting to speak', i just felt alone.
things have gotten worse in my family recently, and at new years it reached its peak.
30th december 2009, i got home after a massive row with family and a very emotional time, i cut hard, it was almost uncontrollble, and my tool was a lot sharper than my usuals, so i forgot and cut so deep i was so terrified, and i went into shock.
thats when my mum realised for sure that i sh-ed, because i had to tell her there and then (even though i made up a story of how it happened) but she rang her friend whos a nurse and she told us what to do and then patched me up the next day, saying 'it's not
quite to the bone', which scared me, because when i did it i was crying so much it was almost out of control.
after that, mum told everyone and anyone that i cut, including tell my dad to 'hide all the tools and tool, she's suicidal' which scared him alot.
i've moved in at dads because he was more understanding, although, he thinks it was a one off, but mum knows its more longterm, but shes confused me because she says 'i know, i've seen marks before' but she didn't do anything, so now im judged whenever we go to see family, etc and i dont know who to talk to normally and who to avoid and it really hurts me, she told my grandma too, who'sthe last person i wanted to know, i love her so much
but ive been at dads since it happened, so two months and things are SO bad, everythings got worse and i'm not a confident chatty young girl anymore, i'm withdrawn and its affecting my school work, and i have gcses very soon, so its bad.
i haven't cut since 30th dec 2009, but i keep getting really bad moments where i almost do, or it'll just cut the top layer of skin and i'll somehow stop.
it's scary but it's like at the moments where i want to cut most atm, there's something stopping me from doing it, i promised mum, dad and dads gf (had similar experiences) that i wouldnt do it anymore because they made me, even though i explained its not that hard, but they dont get it.
i feel so detatched and im worried because things are so bad atm i dont want to ruin it all.
but i duno what to do about anything!
dad and his gf broke up and she was my rock, the one person i needed and she's left
i had a blood test 2 days ago and its really freaked me out, even though they didnt find out i sh-ed, but it was scary because (i'm going to sound mad) but i'd got it in my head that nothing was going to deliberately hurt me(including myself) and thiswas helping me to stop sh-ing and now that somebody deliberatly made me bleed and took my blood its gone all weird, ahh idk
and also, im so obsessed with self preservation, my ocd is out of hand, i dont know what to do with myself.
i'm also getting my urge to drink more back, and depression etc, but im too scared im bother the doctors cus im there for back problems atm, and im only15!! so silly.
sorry this has turned into a rant about my life, but it's .. kind of helped, i don't know really, so much missing, but quite a bit down, so thereeee you go xxxxxxxxxxxx xxx xxx xxx