I'm grateful for all you've given me to think about,
Night night x
Perhaps this guilt will subside, nevertheless I understand that this should not be my primary focus. I suppose I see a choice in the date because I am aware that nothing has happened to me so far, and it probably won't... unless it is from my own action. I know that my own action can be made at any time... but there is something in my head that has the access to command it. On new years eve, I remember I was at work with this constant.. thing.. tempting me to finish my life when I had finished... and the thought was beginning to consume me; it actually frightened me as I believed it was going to happen... even though I was working and nothing did happen, the thought of going to die felt very real, and vivid. When I finished work these thoughts kept coming back and got harder to suppress... and some might say I've thus succeeded- but all I think it that is was not time this time... yet I still expect it in the near future.
I am defeated, defenceless to it and I accept I am at the mercy of my dark thoughts... most of the time I wait.
Do I want to wait forever? It's quite horrible waiting for something you know is going to happen one way or another. Ending this gets me to the same point, but with less stress. At least there is no more waiting to die.
I don't know why dates have any significance to me tbh. I didn't think they did really, but perhaps I have got it wrong again- wouldn't be the first time.
Do the falls become less frequent? Really? I'm trusting you... I don't think they have so far.
I'm completely honest, things I have... the situation I live in... nothing is bad as such... there is no cause, or reason for this.
Am I going to be like this forever? I can see no other option. If it has not gone away even when there seems no reason for its presence, I can only see that it is myself that the problem lies within... a permanent fault. The only way I can prove otherwise (I think) is if I can finish this degree AND do well at it too.. as I will not see the result for years from now I can see myself lasting as long as the potential success takes.
I've always wanted to go into research. Always. Always wanted to learn something... or find something new, that no one else has done/discovered/theorised e.t.c. I won't even talk in depth in response to somebody on something I think I know for fear that I may, or will, be wrong about. I want to be one of the best of the best, and I don't think I really have the potential.. I think I keep deceiving myself.
And then, the ultimate turn of my ambitions. Perhaps I've set myself up to fail so that I may ease this inevitable suicide.
I'm not asking for a sympathy vote, or attention or anything... I don't even know what to ask anymore. I don't know what I need.
I wish this was different. Now I think about all this, I mean really think about all of this, it's back.
And then I think what if today is my last day. Who knows? Because I sure don't.
What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to ask?
I'm trapped. I can't do anything that is the right option.