:trig:
Having read some of other people's stories in this thread, it is quite comforting to know that I'm not alone. Hugs to everyone
I can't remember exactly the first time I SH. I think I vaguely remember when I was about 10, whenever I got annoyed I would hold onto a hot radiator for as long as possible, but it never left a mark, and like it say it was only a vague memory so I think I think I was about 12 when I really started to SH. I was getting bullied at school, nothing too major but enough to completely knock my confidence. I used to be a very happy child, but when I went to secondary school I was one of the brighter kids in my class, but not a genius by any means. I used to be called a boff (a term I hated at the time), people would chuck my school books around and people would laugh if I got a question wrong in class etc. Like I say, nothing major but when it happens everyday it can definately affect you, especially when you are just about to hit your teens. That I could cope with though, as much as it upset me, because I had a group of good friends. But when my friends started to bully me it really started to affect. People who I was best friends with deserted me for someone else and would leave me out. Again, this sounds so petty now but it hurt at the time. They would tease me, again saying I was boring, lazy etc. They said they didn't want to walk home from school with me. I tried to tell them how much it hurt me but they literally laughed in my face and told me to stop being such a drama queen. Then I think the final nail in the coffin was when I confided in a friend how upset I was at their behaviour and she completely twisted my words and told the people I was refering to about it. Since that point I have struggled to talk about feelings and I learnt to put on a mask.
It wasn't only the bullying which made me start to SH. I felt as though I had to succeed...I am sure a lot of that was imagined but nevertheless. As I was the good girl of the family and the one predicted As etc I felt I had to constantly live up to the those standards. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist which makes it worse. Like, if I am hand writing something and I make a mistake, I rip out the page and start again.
I can't really remember the order of events, but it was around that time that I started to SH. It was my way of expressing how I was feeling. Seeing as I couldn't talk to anyone, I could externalise my thoughts as such. This continued for a couple of years and no one ever found out. There were other bullying incidents at school and my confidence was at an all time low. When I look back now I think I had depression. I had stopped for a while but I then found out a couple of my friends had been self-harming, which triggered me again. I spoke to them...ironically they were the same people who had caused me to start in the first place. As much as I hate to use the word cause - I no longer blame them, they were young and didn't know what they were doing and we are actually very good friends now, although they still don't know the real reason why I self-harmed. During this 'second-bout' my mum found out. That moment still haunts me. We both cried a lot, but I lied and told her it had just been the one time. We never talked about it again, apart from one time we had an arguement and she said 'God knows what you are going to go and do to yourself now.' Which massively upset me. After my mum found out I was too scared to SH, I did it a couple of times in hidden areas but I didn't want to disappoint her or worse for everyone to find out and I would be sent to see someone.
I was fine for a while. I guess I was still in a low place but coping ok.
Then when I went to Uni, I had a case of unrequited love. Sounds ridiculously soppy, but it was killing me inside, even worse that he liked my best mate. That triggered me again and fell into deep depression, worse than before. Again, I would put on a mask cos I was an expert at that by this point, but I didn't want to see anyone, couldn't be bothered to do anything. Then I had the stress of hiding cuts. I told 2 uni friends (Neither of whom I am friends with now, so I can't talk to them). They were both supportive but I felt like such a burden on them.
Since then, it hasn't been as bad but every now and then I get the urge. Especially if I have been drinking or if I am feeling under a lot of pressure. The thing is I want to talk to someone but I don't know how to.
wow...that was theraputic...apologies for rambling.