can I love?

[sarah49970]

I feel a bit of a fraud but need help if anyone can offer advice or even confirm that I'm 'normal'

I used to be a regular visitor to this forum and I am proud to say that it has been 3 and a half years since I last harmed.  This doesn't go to say that its gotten any easier.  I've been particularly low these last few weeks and the thoughts that I want to end it all are creeping back.

Splitting up with my long term bf six years ago was the (not the cause) but the main catalyst to my harming getting worse very fast.  Since then I have had multiple types of therapy and counselling to help me deal with certain issues.  This obviously did help but three years after my final therapy session I am at a very low low.

I have tried meeting men as I now feel ready for a relationship but I cannot let anyone in.......it's as if I have built protective barriers so high no one can break them.  At risk of sounding like a tramp I can have sexual relations with men but as soon as it looks as though it's going to go further than that I back away and hide.  I have met a man who, on paper, is perfect for me and is a catch for any woman but I have pushed him away to the point where he has stopped trying for anything else and only comes round for one thing now.  That is a situation I have created by not letting him take me out and treat me like a girlfriend....I won't even let him give me a hug.

All I want is someone to give me a hug and tell me everything will be fine.....but I can't even let them do that

While reading this back before posting it seems so trivial but it is really playing on my mind.  Does anyone else have a similar issue.  Can I ever love anyone again or even let myself trust another man?  Don't get me wrong.....I love my family and best friend dearly so I know I am capable of it which is confusing me.


ARGH

[Hash]

Sarah,

Have you thought of getting some more Counselling, asking your GP and explaining your relational difficulties.

I am not sure what to suggest other than that, it is clearly a problem which is really distressing you and it needs looking at. You are not allone in your struggles.

Hash