Author Topic: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2 *posts may trigger*  (Read 108179 times)

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #30 on: February 09, 2009, 07:23:38 PM »
I've not posted on here before but i'd like to share my story. I've suffered from depression since my teenage years (i'm now 32) and began self harming around the age of 14. I hid behind a childhood diagnosis of ecxma for many years as it provided the perfect excuse for scratching my arms. I have been sexually abused at a party and raped by my husband. They both played a part in my self harming becoming out of control. When ever i get stressed or slightly low i turn to harming to control things. Now i have a 4 year old girl who is really noticing when i scratch my arms and i feel so guilty. I don't know how to deal with my feelings any other way


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #31 on: February 23, 2009, 09:38:48 PM »
 :trig: i havnt realy writen on here b4 so dont hav much rite to but im nearly 15 and i first self harmed when i was 9 my mum did it and told me if i was to cut myself when dad hurt me it wouldnt be so bad i didnt like it but it made mum hapy so i caried on, i 1st od when i was 12 and since then been with 11 diferent foster parents my real 1s both went jail soon after im in hospital @ the moment from my 3rd od in a month have been self harming in here so anurse sits wiv me 24/7. Not sure what i want.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2009, 09:44:21 PM by summer »

Offline Icantchange

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2009, 09:48:04 AM »
I have a history
that lives in my head
and runs through my veins,
scars are like stories,
history written on skin.

:13333: geoffry: from  splittydude


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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #33 on: February 28, 2009, 01:02:26 AM »
I'm sorry if this is disorganised but I wanted to write this down because it seems to have helped others so I thought I may as well give it a go.

Basically the first time I sh was when I was 16. I was on a camping trip and realised that it was the first anniversary of my Uncle's death. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I'd forgotten about it as well as other feelings due to school problems. In the past I'd normally have coped with it by pretending that everything was ok and hitting walls and other things when I was alone, but this time I truned to sh.

Although I felt guilty afterwards, the feeling of relief and control I experienced was too strong and I was soon sh to cope with the sadness I'd been feeling for so long, and after a while it was the only thing that helped.

Throughout my life I've been bullied and made to feel worthless. People have targeted my weight, the way I look, what I wear, how I act, my family, basically anything they could to make me feel bad about myself. I would normally keep it all bottled up inside and go through the day pretending not to care and then I'd get home and cry all night. I absolutely hated myself. I got into the thought pattern of 'if they hate me enough to make me feel this bad everyday then there miust be something wrong with me'. I also hated the fact that it was having an effect on my Mum - she was friends with the parents of the people who bullied me and I could tell that she wished I could be less hassle. At one time she even told me that I should 'just ignore them, stop being so sensitive and get on with things like everyone else'.

So after this I decided to keep all the bullying to myself. I came up with ways of hiding how upset I was, I'd pretend that I'd watched a sad film or had just kicked the bed and many other excuses. This led me to being withdrawn in school and at home. I hated doing anything that they could use against me, I would beg to be able to wear trousers in P.E. because I was scared that they would tease me. I was even scared to go out to town at weekends in case they saw me and made fun of what I was wearing.

Then I started sh, and everything changed. I'd found a release for all the anger and sadness I was feeling. Doing it helped me feel calmer and I was able to be outgoing, and things were looking up, until I told my best friends about it. Things were ok for a while but then they decided that they couldn't deal with me and my 'problems', which was fair enough, but then one of them sent an email to my other friends telling them about it (this was about a year later, when I'd actually been able to give sh up for 6-7 months) and this affected me really badly. Fortunately one of the friends talked to me and explained that she felt no differently about me and was really proud that I'd given up for so long, and she encouraged me to continue to not sh.

But then I got to uni. I don't know what happened but I completely crashed - I couldn't cope and so I started sh again. Since September things have got worse and I really can't cope with it, hence why I joined the forum, so that I could talk to people who actually understand and don't just judge instantly.

Sorry It's so long, I've not really said the half of it, but at least I got that down.

Offline utter nutter

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #34 on: March 01, 2009, 10:43:07 PM »
I started SH when I was 14 due to several things that were going on in my home life. I was asked the other day what made me start, where I got the idea from. I have no idea really but it started maining due to the fact I was really hurting. My brother use to abuse me, he would beat me up for no realy reason. I would then go to school and be the school bully, beat people up by request of others (Please know I am not proud of this at all, and still feel really ashamed about it). One day I beat a girl up quite bad and it really hit home to me that I was doing what my brother was doing to me, how could I make these people feel as bad as I do. I went home that day and started to SH. This went on for at least 10 years..There wasnt just cutting, I would also puch walls until I could no longer move my hand, I would also beat myself senseless. At 21 I left my home country and moved away from my family and set out for life on my own in the UK. I felt safer in a strange country on my own than I ever did being at home. It was a few years later when everything hit me really hard, mainly I guess due to struggling with my sexuality issues and more rejection from people. I took my 2 OD. After this I got help I needed and stopped all the SH. For the next 10 years I didn't SH, it was all in my past. Yes I had the scares to show for it and people would ask about them but it was in the past and sometimes, not often but sometimes I would look at teh scars and be pleased they were there, this way I could remember how far I had come. It all was going well until may 07 when my father died. His death hit me really badly and slowly things went down hill, I started cutting, not often but I was cutting. Now I can hardly control it, I feel the worse I have ever felt and want to give up all the time.. I am in therapy and my friends are holding me up, being my believe that I AM going to get through this. I now live in fear as my SH doesnt feel enough anymore, if its not deep enough, I dont get the release I need anymore, it really is scary.... It is good to be able to read, to post, to know that there are people out there who understand excatly why you do it, how it makes you feel..
If I say I cant do it because **** doesnt want me too, I get told I have to do what I want, what's right for me.... But if I say I want to cut, I need to, its right for me, I get told.. cant you just not do it for me, do this one thing for me..... WELL WHICH ONE IS IT, do things for me, or for you?

Rubber Soul

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #35 on: March 07, 2009, 11:40:02 PM »
I started SHing when I was 14, I am now 32. I lived abroad and we had a maid when I was 10 and she went to bed with me to show me what my boyfriend would do to me. I have alway felt that that was my fault. I then started going out with my first boyfriend a few years later and he did some really nasty things to me. We both decided to keep it a secret. I still have never told my parents who he is. I wrote a suicide note when I was 15 and my dad read it but chose to ignore it. My friend at school was a self-harmer and got loads of help and that upset me. When I went away to college I really was able to be myself but couldn't cope with my feelings so I drank all the time. 2 Chrsitmases ago and after three suicide attempts I told my mother what the boy had done to me when I was 14. She couldn't believe, she thought that how could I feel this way and he hadn't even raped me! I did try to stress that he tied me and held me by the throat but it didn't matter. I had not been raped so what was I complaining about. I know I have been abused when I was about 5/6 or maybe younger but I can't remember but I feel it so strong so I want to know the truth. So many things point to this being the truth but just how do I remember? Maybe I will never know.

Offline orbs

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #36 on: March 08, 2009, 02:51:56 AM »
my stories isnt as bad as some peoples but:

my father left when i was 5-6 i cant quite remember, i just have this vivid memory of when it happend it was christmas and my dad drove off, a month later we moved house and i stated to see my dad at weekends. at 14 i found out the truth to why he had left, he was homosexual at the time it hurt me and i didnt speak to him for months, reason:

from about age 9 i got bullied one or two kids used say i was gay, and that i couldnt fight (well i couldnt) then they started saying my dad was gay etc.. this continued until i was 15, at 15 though the bulling intensified far worse then ever, i couldnt go out on a friday because id botteled or beatend up, i became "gothic" which annoyed my mother who used to have ago at me all the time.

before that though between the ages of 7 to 10ish i had a step dad who used to beat us up somedays and treat us the next, he used to beat us up worst when his son was born (by beat up i mean he would throw us in to bed... we had bunk beds and i was on top! or just push us about for no reason), he held a tool to my mums throat and similar stuff like that, my mum left him and got with another man who was fantasic until he slept around and we trusted him alot, and he lied to us. he left when i was 15, to summarise i didnt know what love was, i could never get a girlfriend, i was bullied at school and never had a stable home life.

i started self harm from about 13, at first it was little things hitting walls chicken scratches, the main reason was because of the bulling, i managed to keep it quite for years. at 15 it worsed to cutting the top of my arm very deep, but as well as this i started to drink and smoke and take drugs all the time.

at 16 i went to a festival with a friend and we got with these girls one of which i slept with not know that it was her first time and i was heavily intoxicated, over a few days we got on well she was fine but then my friend who was jelous convinced her that a raped her, she started going on about how i had forced her and she wasn't ready which messed me up no end because we got on great until my friend got his way, in the end she went off with him in front of me, i now know that i didnt rape her and that my "friend" was just trying to make me feel like crap. she emailed me some years ago now explaining that she didnt feel raped but did feel akward about loosing her virginity on a one night stand.

at the time i went through a spiral of blaiming my self which worsened the cutting, drinking, drug abuse. then one night i was in chester by the river dee with some people i met drinking away getting really stoned, wen i broke, i went to the top of the bridge got over the railings and jumped with out hesitation, i hit the river water hard (winded myself) and started to drown, i was almost gone when my friend dragged me out and took me to her house, she stripped me of all my clothes and found the scars and the fresh cuts, and her mum who was a nurse, got them all cleaned up and dressed properly,

that night i slept with my friend kelsey and i felt safe... the morning after i told her everything and she convinced me to go get help, which lasted a month before i just lost control again,   along the wall of chester there is a small narrow bridge that used to go to a prison house that is over a canal, i was sitting on that when kelsey once again came to my rescue, she talked me off and i once again spent the night at hers, she hugged me all night and wouldn't let go,

anyway after leaving chester again, i went back to finish my gcse's and get in to college in which time i got to know a girl called j, four years on we are still together and i got my life sorted and every 6 months or so id get an urge to cut or i would cut but in the last year i havent need to at all, because i have taken up climbing and the buzz i get from that has kept me from harming and you see things out there that changes your point of view in ways you couldnt imagine

Offline phoebe_monkey

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #37 on: March 10, 2009, 08:28:08 PM »
I'm on the brink of a big change... I've just started a new job (which I love), soon I'll be graduating from university and moving on from the last part of my life which, to be honest, kind of sucked. So I decided it was about time I added my story on here.

I came from a pretty typical family- mum and dad and two younger brothers. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened until I was 9 years old and my youngest brother was diagnosed with leukaemia (he was 3). Our whole family was in complete chaos and my other brother and I got packed off to stay with relatives. I became extremely quiet and withdrawn and began getting bullied at school. My brother was fine after 5 years of treatment, but I never really regained my confidence.

For the first two years of secondary school I was bullied and excluded by my entire class, until I moved schools to a private girls school. I managed to hide in the background for the rest of my school years until the end of 6th year, when I left school.

I think I've already changed a lot from the slightly naive 17 year old who moved away from home to start a teaching degree. For a start, I'm now 21, a lot more knowledgable and about to graduate- but not with my original degree. I'm also a lot more messed up than I was back then. As the pressure of university life steadly increased, my underlying problems began to surface. At the end of my 3rd year, it got too much and I ended up in academic suspension from my course. I was diagnosed with social anxiety. For two months I was a day patient at a private psychiatric hospital... where the therapists didn't seem to understand why I could not 'open up' and talk. By the time they discharged me I was more distressed than ever before. I began self harming while I was there and continued afterwards. I became quite depressed and withdrawn.

It's taken quite a long time for me to start feeling a bit better and although I'm still struggling with my anxiety and self harming, with the help and support of my counsellor I am now working towards accepting myself and looking towards the future.
last sh: 02/01/13

broken down

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #38 on: March 17, 2009, 02:53:55 PM »

I have suffered from depression for about 10 years. 
Mostly i can cope with it, but for the last year i've been finding it really hard to funcation.  My next door neighbour found me on the drive one lunchtime in tears.  it was her that got me into see the emgernacy doctor.
My GP thinks i might have Bipolar, as my mood swings have been getting a lot worse, and i've started to lash out at people i care about.
I was ment to start councilling a month or so back, i made the appoiment, but i cancled it at the last minute.  But know i have to go and see shrink.  Which i'm in a total panic about, The last one i was was a total waste of time, and we didn't get on at all. 
I had a CPN once, who told me "we all feel like driving into a brick wall at times"  Makes me wounder if i just get all the  :doh:

It's only been the last year or so that i have taken to hurting my self.  Mostly by cutting, it started of with a craft scaple that i use for my cards etc, now i have progressed into razors. 
My self harming takes many forms, cutting, b**ning mostly.  I also bite the inside of cheek alot, but than thinking about it i have allways done this.

I don't seem to have any triggers that casue me to SH, it just sort of happens.

My family don't know what i'm doing, if they do than they have't said anything about it. |I can't really talk to them as they are from the Old school way of thinking, and if they can't see it, they don;t belive in it. 
The only people i have told is my boyfriend Peter, and my so called Steven (who told me last month he loves me) Great more pressure! :banghead:
Peter is Great, but i can't tell him whats going off in my head, as i don't know my self

I'm go, as i'm just ranting now :ranting:

thanks for listening

Offline Emmz

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Re: Self harm and you - your stories. Part 2
« Reply #39 on: March 17, 2009, 03:22:07 PM »

I first started sh when I was 11. I was sa by my stepdad from the age of 6 until 2 years ago. I have had 2 children whom both have been adopted by really nice people, fathered by my stepdad. I was my mums main carer for a lot of health problems both physical and psychological but she died 2 weeks before christmas just gone. I was and still am bullied and have hardly any friends.
I don't talk to my biological dad as he was violent and agressive.
I have ptsd and borderline personality disorder along with severe depression.

Living is a problem because everybody dies