Author Topic: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)  (Read 5660 times)

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Offline Babsy1

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I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« on: June 21, 2014, 12:09:45 AM »
Erm, hey guys.

I'm a little ashamed to be here. Not because of its nature, but because I sort of feel like I'm taking the mick out of all of you. My head doctor has actually referred me to this forum, but reading all of your stories, I just feel like a wimp. My cuts are rarely even deep enough to leave scars, my cuts are not really in places that can do real damage. I know more than anyone that cutting is different for everyone, but I seriously don't want you guys to think I don't take this seriously.

In struggle every single day with dreams, fantasies and nonstop thoughts about cutting myself. I had been doing it for 9 years, stopped for 1 year and now i find myself back to it and I don't know why. I constantly think about it and crave it, and I don't know what to do. I did it again tonight, just 4 small cuts on my shoulder, deep enough to bleed, not deep enough to scar. Am I a "fake", I don't know who or what I am. All I know is that I always feel better as soon as the tool touches my skin. I need a friend if anyone out there is willing. I understand if you don't take me seriously. And I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.

Offline Rob

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2014, 12:25:45 AM »
Hey  :wave:

Welcome to the forum.

Self harm comes in all shapes and sizes - what's important is the fact that you feel and act on the urges  - hopefully we can get you back to that year where you didn't feel those urges. We've got a friendly membership, so don't feel as though you can't post about the same struggle that so many other people have faced.
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Offline behindthewall

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2014, 06:50:12 AM »
 :welcome:

Don't feel embarrassed. You are not alone. My cpn told me about this forum. I too am conscious in using this site that many others cause a lot more harm to themselves than I do. However, the overwhelming urge to self harm is something I really struggle with and I have that in common with everyone else here. I briefly joined another MH support forum before I came here but felt I couldn't mention SH because I didn't want to put the idea in anyone's head. I hope you find the forum helpful. X x

Offline Vermilion

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2014, 11:22:33 PM »
Hi  :hug2:

Please don't feel ashamed it's not a competition here and you are not a fake. You're struggling here just like many others and no one will think that you are a wimp for asking for help. The fact that you are willing to hurt your own body tells me that you are struggling right now, it doesn't matter what the extent of your injuries are you obviously need support and you now know where to find it  :)

Take care of yourself  :hug1:
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Offline Pride

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2014, 11:46:59 PM »
You shouldn't feel ashamed to post here.

When i first came here years back i was the same as you, and in a way i still am, even when i go to groups hearing about their problems made my own feel insignificant, but i learnt that it isn't about other peoples problems it's about your own, if  you're having trouble dealing with something and it is causing you to self harm, in any way or form be it intense or otherwise, it shows that you are in need of help just as much as anyone else here.

I hope this helps you and you post on the site with any problems you might have, everyone's here to help after all.

Pride.
The Seven Deadly Sins are a part of us, don't fight them, accept them.

Offline Babsy1

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2014, 10:44:38 PM »
Wow, you guys are incredible. My boyfriend, bless his heart, doesn't understand my need to cut or to talk about it, and told me i'm wasting peoples time, but you guys have made me feel way better. I had a massive set back the other day. For me its little things that make me crack, rather than the big things. For example, when my Grandad; the man who brought me up and was my best friend passed away, i didn't cut at all. Three days ago, when my boyfriend left the kitchen in a mess and then turned on the telly as i was listening to the radio, i burst into tears and couldn't stop myself from reaching for the tool. I wish i knew what was wrong with me so i can fix it. The look on his face when he see's my cuts is just awful, I hate knowing i'm making him feel useless :(

Offline Pride

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2014, 11:03:26 PM »
You shouldn't listen to him when he says you're wasting peoples time, your problem is just as serious as any others so tell him to shush, haha.

I was the same when i lost my Grandmother who was very similar to how you described your grandfather, i lost all kind of emotion and didn't cut at all for some time after it but i think that was because your mind shuts out major emotional trauma, i can understand what you mean about the small things getting to you too. The other day i dropped a plate and i got really down about it and wanted to reach for my tools.

I feel i should say this early on so that you don't get roped into something you think will "fix everything", this isn't something that is a simple fix, I really wish there was a magic pill you took once and it made it all better but sadly there isn't, it does take a lot of willpower to overcome it but you can do it, and i'm sure everyone here will be willing to help you along a road to recovery too. Stay safe.

Pride.
The Seven Deadly Sins are a part of us, don't fight them, accept them.

Offline Vermilion

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2014, 12:52:11 AM »
I was the same when my granddad and my uncle died. I didn't cut because I just felt numb and as though everything was a dream. I still can't remember much about that time, two deaths in 5 months is a lot to deal with and I guess my brain just blocked it all out and maybe that's what happened to you. It's only when I feel awful things that I cut, when I'm numb I don't do it, yet I also cut over the smaller things too. It's weird huh?

Have you ever explained to your boyfriend why you cut? Maybe if you explain why you do it and how you're feeling he'll understand a bit more. It's a difficult issue for those who do it to understand never mind someone who doesn't. I know how difficult this is as I have had to explain this to my old boyfriend. He later told me that it helped a lot to understand the reasons and he was able to support me better and understand when I needed to be alone. A little understanding can really help. It does sound like your boyfriend has good intentions but doesn't really understand.  :hug2:
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Offline Hash

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Re: I'm a little embarassed. (May trigger, Maybe)
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2014, 08:48:59 PM »
I'm afraid us hurting ourselves can really really hurt those closest to us and I am afraid to say that does not get better even if they understand why you do it.

You don't need to feel any less than others here cos you don't cut deep self harm whatever the severity is a serious issue.

Hash